Parental estrangement. What do you secretly think?

In my stepdc case, they were told their dad cheated.

he did not. It was her that had the affair. When we met they had been living together for a year. I spoke to some of her friends who also confirm it was her cheated and she would bring the OM on nights out while they were still married.

we actually never spoke to the kids about it as didn’t want to affect their relationship with their mum. Unfortunately that gave her the chance to change the narrative.

so sometimes the reason the children go nc is not truth.

dh genuinely didn’t know why they went low contact for years. Until a friends dc let on that the sdc used to talk about how he cheated and he would cheat on me and our relationship wouldn’t last.

eta: while it’s definitely not Dh’s fault his kids are nc, I wouldn’t say it’s because they are awful people either. They’ve just heard a certain story from being so young that it’s the truth to them. Plus if they challenged it they’d have to admit their mum is a shitty person 🤷‍♀️.

Neither option would be my view because life and relationships aren't that simple or black and white. I'd keep an open mind.

As someone in their 30s, I only know very few people who are estranged from abusive parents. If I’m being honest, most of my friends and family who are estranged or low contact with flawed but non-abusive parents are people I would describe as selfish/ difficult people who also stuggle to maintain friendships, and distance themselves from people who don’t cater to their ever whim.

I think as a society we have less tolerance for community. In my experience, community minded people inherently understand that no-one, including themselves and their parents, is perfect and that investing in complicated (but non-abusive) family relationships may be difficult in the short term but reaps rewards and can be very fulfilling in the long term.

However, since we are more selfish as a society, I think people are more likely to cut friends and family off for self-focused reasons than previous generations. Because of that, I don’t automatically judge the parent or the adult child for an estrangement (unless it’s the parent going no contact with their child) - I think it’s symptomatic of the society we’re in where the quick fix to relationships is to just bin them off.

And yes entitled people who can't self reflect of course wont take the blame.
Which is exactly what I've said.

No.

I didn't mean both sides are entitled but usually one side is.
One side is the oak the other has been the willow

I've noticed it's always the same types who become estranged the ones who are entitled on either side and never feel they have done anything wrong and can't question themslves.

totally disagree with this. all the people I know who are estranged from parents have spent years second guessing themselves and trying to change their own behaviour to "appease" their parents, and have gone NC because they've finally realised they can't "fix" their parents. Whilst the parents just blame their children and refuse to even consider their behaviour might be the problem.

I do agree that not being prepared to self reflect is a key part of estrangement. But if you're unable to self reflect you are also unable to accept any blame.

I’m estranged as were 2 other siblings. Well one sways in and out but generally doesn’t like our parents!

I dream of having parents who would love me, hug me, support me, listen to me. But no, we never received any of those things. My mother is just awful.
a cousin said to me recently when I told her we were estranged that it was well known that our house was a very difficult place to be and that she’s not surprised. It made me feel better.
no child wants to be away from their parent. I tried full relationship, low contact, even lower, polite chat, to nothing. I twisted and turned it, to see if I could make anything work. I can’t. Life is easier since, no drama. No fear of abusive phone calls or texts. No anticipating her mood. Never knowing what version I was going to get. It’s not living. Age 34 I made the switch.

@GreyCarpet it's easy when you have seen this type in action but so hard to understand it if you have not.

Maybe both parties are ok but have bad history between them?
Ultimately however parents liberally brought their children into the world so the onus for me will always be on them to keep trying IF they want a relationship.

However I've noticed it's always the same types who become estranged the ones who are entitled on either side and never feel they have done anything wrong and can't question themslves.

Wow!

I’m adopted so instant win for my mum on that front. As someone delightfully put it for “picking up someone else’s shit”.

A lifetime of daily abuse from both my parents and all of their children cut contact years ago. They tell all extended family and friends they have no idea why, and many family members dared to assume it was a one off argument or something petty. I got tired of explaining it's not what they did, it's who they are.

Sadly, I think most people do blame the children for going NC because most people cannot imagine growing up with a mother whose goal is to hurt her children rather than love them and so they assume that the child ended the relationship over the kind of argument that they might have with their (loving) parent.

It's no different than leaving an abusive spouse, which no one would dare to judge. But of course, abusers behave much differently in public...

In my opinion, the victims end up being blamed after finally working up the courage to walk away from decades of abuse from the very people who were supposed to be protecting them.

was it your choice or theirs? And if was them have they given you any indication as to why? Just curious.

I couldn't judge, based on my own experience. I am no contact with three siblings who have behaved poorly and I have no idea why - I have clearly done something but I am left to guess what that is. Sometimes I wish I knew - mostly I'm just glad I don't have to deal with their poor behaviour anymore.

See, it's really difficult. I've gone into more details on here previously but my mother is the sort of person that can't do enough to help others but it's always self serving but you wouldn't necessarily know that.

She is the first person to visit someone in hospital or to volunteer to take people to medical apointments, to help out someone in crisis. But it's all about her and how she is perceived, although, unless you knew her really well, you'd just think she was kind and selfless.
.
When I was a child, she volunteered at a nearby special school. But it wasn't about benefitting the children. She did it because the enjoyed the adoration and hugs from the chidren.

At around the same time, she told me that she wished I'd been born disabled because then I'd have been "deserving" of her love. She genuinely believed that she would have been held in high esteem by society for carrying the 'burden' and people would have admired her benevolence and generosity of spirit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Point being, you wouldn't think she was a dick.

I have a friend of about 10 years. Her mum is in her 90s and she often spoke fondly of a friend of her mum's who was supportive and thoughtful. My friend spoke very highly.of this friend of her mum's.

I'd also shared some of my experiences of abuse.

Imagine the shock we both had when 5 years ago I saw a photo of her mum with this friend...

It would depend on how the person speaks about the estrangement for me

If i met someone who blamed their mum for not being perfect, and making genuine errors, whilst being very calm and matter of fact about their useless father, I would take the mums side in my head

If they weren't like that, and were very much like 'my mum and I are estranged, i know how hard it was for her to be a parent but she made unforgivable choices' - I would be more inclined to not blame either party

Speaking as someone who estranged from their dm and step dad 🙃

If i met an adult who was estranged from their kids, I would judge a man and woman differently tbh

I would assume they were a shit parent tbh.

My DD is NC with me and DH for lots of reasons. We understand but are very sad about the circumstances we created. Also we are NC with her DCs.

We do hope in the not too distant future she will forgive us as we are quite old now.

I remember not long after going nc with my mother (later 30s), I confided in a woman I knew who was mid 60s who had asked if I was OK. It just came out. Not the details, just the simple fact.

She hugged me and said, "Me too." Nothing else needed saying by either of us.

ETA: My point was that I didn't know it was something people did until it happened to me.

That is absolutely awful I’m so sorry you went through that.

why,what's it to do with you?
why do you want to hear about people's family problems. zzzzz

This - its impossible to vote either way because each situation is so different. Some parents are horrible. Some kids are horrible. Sometimes both sides are hurt and unable to bridge the gap.

just bad luck.

I don't think I'd really have any opinion to be honest. Unless the party i knew (assuming I only knew one side) was a bit of a dick. Then I'd imagine it was probably their own doing.

To be honest - neither! There's all sorts of reasons why people become estranged from other family members. My own neighbour has two adult daughters - she is estranged from one of them and has been for years and she lives locally. The other daughter lives abroad but keeps regular contact with her mum but she's not in regular contact with her sister as far as I'm aware. Obviously some family history there but it doesn't affect my feelings about either of them - they have their reasons for maintaining the status quo and it's none of my business any way.