Parental estrangement. What do you secretly think?

I secretly think the parents were arseholes and they fully deserve the estrangement.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Seems that there can be lots of reasons for estrangement - addiction in one/ both parents, an enabler or addiction in a child.

Undiagnosed MH or ND or PD issues at either or both ends - so constant mis-attunements build up resentment / frustration or volatility over time.

No ability on either side to listen, reflect and adapt rather than jump to defensiveness which exacerbates every situation.

No ability to be mentally or emotionally flexible, too rigid and entrenched, self righteous in opinions and behaviours.

I do think a new partner of a child can have an impact on estrangement - but it’s hard to know if the new partner just clearly sees a very toxic family and encourages their partner to emotionally protect themselves with LC/NC - or if the new partner is the emotionally unstable wrong ‘un and is isolating their partner from a normal healthy family in a controlling way.

Obviously you can often get the heady mix off all of these issues in family life.

I think the most powerful question to either party is to ask ‘how can this be resolved?’ that often reveals that one party doesn’t want it resolved.

He didn’t know how to parent so compensated by throwing cash my way.

I think, @Sartre , this is often a factor in these NC situations. Certain types of parent think they can "tick the parenting" box by supplying funds, and then, because their concept of the relationship is money-oriented, feel they have "bought the rights" to a real relationship - which obviously stops working when the DC grasp the fact that there is more to parenting than paying allowances or splurging on trips, and realise they have been denied this.

I realise it didn't unravel quite that way for you, but I think the "type" who think financial provision can stand in as a proxy for parenting is very common.

I wouldn’t form an opinion if I didn’t have the facts. The truth is that often parents bring it on themselves BUT adult children are seeking more and more to blame parents for their own poor decision making, and poor mental health is automatically blamed on parents (usually mothers). I had a less than perfect upbringing but kept the relationship going as there was nothing inherently bad about my parents. One of my adult children has brought untold stress but again the relationship has continued with not inconsiderable effort and heartache on my part.

TBH I tend to "blame" the parents in general, but that might be because mine are not yet adult and I cannot imagine not trying to move Heaven and Earth to keep the relationship with my dc healthy.

As a general observation, I would also say IME these situations tend to occur when the parent has taken decisions over the years to prioritise their own needs over the dc and at some point the DC tend to feel enough is enough (or they have simply been raised to believe putting their own feelings first is always justifiable as a simple premise, so when a conflict of interest comes along there isn't much emphasis on trying to work through things as a kind of family attitude generally).

But obviously there are many different situations. I don't think a blanket rule works, but when the parent has left the family home or similar, I do tend to thing something along the lines of you get back what you put in as a parent.

ETA sometimes DILS or SonILS can be a relevant factor in the dynamic too. Lots of Dils, in particular, seem to feel it is a good idea to "wean" a man off his family, and I have seen that spiral to NC. And I guess sometimes the PILS can be at fault in triggering that too.

I wonder if his Disney Dad antics were to punish your mother with in her face bling whilst she was struggling? Maybe he dropped contact when you moved out of home and his performative spending wouldn’t be visible to hurt your Mum anymore?

I was neglected and abused as a child (an only child). I was constantly being told how spoiled and lucky I was and probably believed it, but I didn't realise how neglected and abused I was until I was in my late 20s and saw more clearly the relationship most people have with their parents. Although I was one of the lucky ones who had a wide extended family, who I spent a great deal of time with when my own parents couldn't be bothered with me, I realised that quite a young age that I couldn't share any problems with them. I learned to keep any emotions to myself because they would be used to humiliate or belittle me. I grew up thinking such behaviour was normal - when I had my own children, I realise it wasn't.

I think this is true and I'd personally really welcome an open table chat, perhaps facilitated by an external where all parties express what would be an acceptable way forward for them and agree new ground rules, but I think it's difficult to get teenagers to agree. I think it's easier just to cut off contact and run.

I got divorced from my husband and my ds decided to move in with his father ( he was of a age where the courts would see him as old enough to make his own decisions ) it broke me but not a lot I could do about it.
Ex then turned my ds against me by bad mouthing me to him , he also allowed our son free reign to do as he wishes rather than parent him . My son estranged from me and didn't want contact nor would be turn up if expected .
Son is now an adult and no longer lives with his dad . He reigned in his bad life choices and has a job , house etc and as far as I know is happy in his life which of course I am very happy for.
Sadly despite many attempts from me to rekindle a relationship , open up conversations , meet up as an adult and form his own opinion , he isn't interested .
I remain open to any relationship with him But it is not seeming likely which of course I am devastated about . But I realise the ball is firmly in his court .

There’s always three sides to every story. Their truth, the kids’ truth and the real truth 🙂

I’d almost always blame the parents, in absence of any other information.
I would bet money that in most cases the parents are toxic and/or there was abuse involved, either towards the children or towards each other but the abused parent put up with it and didn’t protect the kids.
Even in those cases where the parents didn’t appear to have done anything wrong and may have been well intentioned, I think I’d still blame them on some level because they raised selfish, entitled children who would cut off their parents for spurious reasons.

i can think of extreme cases like mine where it is 100% the other side but i guess everyone has different experiences

An impossible answer, depends what your age and experience is.
im very old. I’ve been NC with my dad for over 30 years. One of us will die first and we’ll both die with this situation and we’re both ok about it. If I met you and your circumstances were the same, I’d think the parent was an arse based on my experience.

my outside extended family think the NC with my dad is completely my fault and I am at fault regardless if it’s my fault or not. That “you only get one dad”, “it’s all very very sad “ etc etc. because their view is based on having a supportive loving dad. So in their view the child is the arse in the situation.

My family is full of various people not talking to other(s), so it's normal for me !
Causes of estrangement work both ways, IME it's never 100% one person.

it’s even worst if family know what she is like and don’t dispute the pain she caused but then expect you to just put up with it because apparently your are not allowed to have needs or feelings

It could be anything. My brother has estranged himself from my parents and other sibling over an incident with money. He also has mental health problems though. No one did anything wrong in the incident and both parties have regrets but personality wise they are both stubborn so are unlikely going to take steps to make up. Sad situation.

If your child is an addict, it always without fail traces back to childhood trauma of some description

It can be for lots of reasons . Im very close with my adult DC but parents often get the blame for estranged children yet they could be addicts /abusers ect its shallow to assume it's always the parents fault

I think it’s perfectly possible that he has undertaken a personality transplant whilst he was with that person because I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
Some people really shouldn’t be together.
But equally I wouldn’t trust mothers with their perception of their sons, they are very disproportionately and unjustifiably forgiving in that generation

I feel the same, I always get the.. But she’s your mum, you only get one comment. I’d love nothing more than a normal mum, unfortunately that’s not what I got.

That was my term ‘bad husband’ He’s been very honest about his part in the marriage breakdown and what went wrong but it’s very hard to fix a marriage when the other person won’t talk!
Sadly his ex is still playing the girls off against their dad as she did when they were married!!
As I said I take as I find. We’ve been together 5 years and I have never had a reason to think I made a mistake in being with him. His mum has actually thanked me for giving her her son back! She didn’t realise how unhappy he was when he was with his ex wife.

having had to go nc with my own mother i would say there is always almost little benefit to cutting out a parent and if a adult chooses to do so it is because it is the absolute last resort. it’s not a situation where it is a stroppy teen in a mood about some rule they have to follow. they have their own house and own rules so what did the parent do to cause that limiting contact was the only option

I do think an apology is a good start and I agree with the open minded position you have taken that this can be resolved. Your child is very young and these are turbulent years so change is very possible.

I was open to my own parents apologising but obviously an apology is only the start, a recognition of the harm caused even if only so that behaviour can be changed going forward to discontinue the harm into the future would always be a necessary step to repair a relationship.

That was where my own problem lay, my parents could not reflect on the damage that their own way of thinking about child abuse (denial, minimisation, intellectualisation, blame shifting) and of handling situations (focus on outward appearance, focus on the abusing brother’s well-being) was having on me.

People don't become estranged for no reason. I would accept that and not pry but listen if someone wanted to disclose.

Well I desperately want just to see my child or even just hear their voice. I worry that if I just leave it months will become years and our relationship will be broken. It's more than I can bear.