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Original poster

Aibu to think attitudes towards women who have left their husbands have not changed radically

54 replies

Ricecakes101 · 08/04/2026 10:11

Inspired by a thread bemoaning cultural attitudes of the 80s and how difficult it was for women to leave - true. But in my experience recent attitudes were awful.

I left my abusive husband 10 years ago when my children were young and I was stigmatised as a single mother by all the women at the school gate who had genuine concerns I would try it on with their husbands and so wanted me nowhere near. I was left out of social gatherings cliques and my children were not invited to parties. The few and I mean few people who were friends with me I will forever be grateful to.

I was treated in a mysogynistic and sexualised way by many many men I met in literally any capacity once they realised I was a single mum as someone they thought would be grateful for sex and attention - so disrespectful and gross. Very close friends did not believe he was capable of what he had done and implied it was my fault. These attitudes towards me were heartbreaking during a very painful time.

This honestly occurred over the 5 years I was single until I was in an established relationship with my new partner. I'm sure you'll all say well you must be a wanker then but I'm not sure that's completely true - I always had a thriving social life in my home town, with lots of friends from all contexts. I moved counties for exh work and left him due to abuse within 2 years so I had no established friend group around. Since being ina long term relationship since with a blokey bloke , guess what invites all back on the table, social life back on.

So for all of you saying -attitudes have changed - have a think about anyone you know who has actually left someone in clearly difficult circumstances and how you treat them - are you threatened, are you jealous, do you think they will be desperate for a shag, do you want to steer clear? As your it's your moment by moment actions and judgements that make up social attitudes. Rant over.

OP posts:
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ThatCyanCat · 09/04/2026 16:22

I've heard so many single women say this that I have to believe it, but it is so strange to me. I'm married and I've got several single female friends, including "mum friends" and this has just never ever been on my radar. They're as welcome as anyone else, and I'm happy to help them out as they've got less help available (one or two have very involved grandparents but on the whole of course it's harder as a single parent). And I've never picked up any hostility or anything from other partnered mums. I guess I wouldn't know about sleazy come ons.

I can't relate at all.

ByPinkOP · 09/04/2026 16:05

Can’t believe what I am reading here. Yes, I felt very lonely being in the circumstances you described, but I always imagined it was more related to the fact that my life was an absolute mess (as was I) after what I had been through. I was probably not very easy to be around. Also in a place where I didn’t grow up and so had no existing social circle or support. It’s very hard but I wouldn’t assume to blame other people for it.

Easterchick02853 · 09/04/2026 13:18

This is scary for me to read as ive got this to come within the next year.
From what ive read here i think its best to keep it to myself mostly, dont announce it.
Keep details vague when asked about it.
For me , I dont work and only have one friend. God I sound lame but this is mostly because my life has become so small because of him) so I dont go out socially with any couples anyway.
My family are in full support. His family know there are issues. Im sure they will be disappointed but they are not the gossip type.
My kids are at high school now so im not at school gates etc.
I hope to increase my social life and join some groups etc so hope I dont find that response there!
Im also old, fat and ugly so dont think ill be seen as a threat!

BlueSlate · 09/04/2026 12:53

I didn't have any of the single woman pinching husbands issue that others did.

Maybe they felt I was trustworthy; maybe they didn't think I was attractive enough! Who knows!!

But what I will say is that only one of my friends' husbands didn't try it on at some point! And it wasn't limited to them - dads at my children's activities; married colleagues... I was never so popular with (married) men as when I left my husband

I don't think many women really think that all newly single women are after their Nigel. But I do think they suspect their husband will make a move on her at some point. And they'd be right to!

JHound · 09/04/2026 12:45

I do agree with you on married women often thinking all single women want their husbands.

JHound · 09/04/2026 12:44

Ricecakes101 · 08/04/2026 10:11

Inspired by a thread bemoaning cultural attitudes of the 80s and how difficult it was for women to leave - true. But in my experience recent attitudes were awful.

I left my abusive husband 10 years ago when my children were young and I was stigmatised as a single mother by all the women at the school gate who had genuine concerns I would try it on with their husbands and so wanted me nowhere near. I was left out of social gatherings cliques and my children were not invited to parties. The few and I mean few people who were friends with me I will forever be grateful to.

I was treated in a mysogynistic and sexualised way by many many men I met in literally any capacity once they realised I was a single mum as someone they thought would be grateful for sex and attention - so disrespectful and gross. Very close friends did not believe he was capable of what he had done and implied it was my fault. These attitudes towards me were heartbreaking during a very painful time.

This honestly occurred over the 5 years I was single until I was in an established relationship with my new partner. I'm sure you'll all say well you must be a wanker then but I'm not sure that's completely true - I always had a thriving social life in my home town, with lots of friends from all contexts. I moved counties for exh work and left him due to abuse within 2 years so I had no established friend group around. Since being ina long term relationship since with a blokey bloke , guess what invites all back on the table, social life back on.

So for all of you saying -attitudes have changed - have a think about anyone you know who has actually left someone in clearly difficult circumstances and how you treat them - are you threatened, are you jealous, do you think they will be desperate for a shag, do you want to steer clear? As your it's your moment by moment actions and judgements that make up social attitudes. Rant over.

I really think it depends on your surroundings. Single mothers were normal for me so I never experienced people stigmatising a woman for leaving her husband (generally speaking). The stigma was more aimed at women who procreated recklessly.

Eggsandavocado · 09/04/2026 12:40

I was relieved to meet other single mums when my daughter started school, although everyone was friendly. I did find when myself and my daughter took the caravan away women would clutch at their men when I rocked up 🤣🤣

ThisYearIsMyYear · 08/04/2026 20:45

Yeah, agreed, I was trying to think of any man I talked to in those terms, and there isn't one afaik. But I think women resort to arguments about how hard it would/might be to find anyone else, how tough it will be financially etc in a way that a man would be less inclined to do. I'm also wondering if the "he's a wonderful dad" tripe that we read so often here on relationship threads is a kind of internalised belief that actually comes from other women. Everyone seems to think that any husband who has ever changed a nappy or put their toddler on their shoulders is somehow better than average and should be clung on to at all costs.

5128gap · 08/04/2026 20:02

ThisYearIsMyYear · 08/04/2026 19:36

Yes, now I think about it, when I first considered leaving my ex, I was subjected to huge pressure to stay from everyone I tried to talk to about how I was feeling, which, understandably, was only close friends, my mum, my sister, all people you'd have thought would care more about my feelings than about 'how it would look'. It's not like I was talking about it with anyone who would stand still! My life would have been so much better if I'd left earlier, because he was controlling and abusive, but this was pre-MN for me, and I had such difficulty articulating how bad he was making me feel when superficially he was such a Nice Guy. I totally capitulated in the face of all the pressure. It took me another 15 years to leave. So I think it's true that people are much more comfortable when women are kept tethered to their men, however rubbish they are, but I can't decide if it's a society-wide thing or whether it's something women in particular do to other women.

Show quote history

I think its society wide, it just manifests in different ways. Generalising here, but most women probably don't have many male friends close enough to delve into their relationships, ask them probing questions to discover the whys and wherefores, and offer unsolicited advice, but probably have a fair few woman in their lives who would do this. So while 'society' doesn't like women leaving their husbands, its other women who deliver the message.
I think the male version of it would be the sympathy for the 'abandoned' husband, the bewilderment that Lee's missus has left him when he works all hours and his kids are his world. The speculation she might have another bloke on the go and so on. I've actually had this from my DP about one of his friends. He was shocked when my response was "I'm surprised its taken her so long".

ThisYearIsMyYear · 08/04/2026 19:36

5128gap · 08/04/2026 10:50

I think women who leave their husbands are expected to disclose either abusive situations or his cheating to justify it. Where a woman leaves but chooses to keep her reasons private she is often the subject of gossip, speculation and judgement. She is often considered to be of dubious morals (who would break up their children's home, and Steve seems such a nice guy...) and basically guilty unless she is prepared to convince that she is innocent.

Yes, now I think about it, when I first considered leaving my ex, I was subjected to huge pressure to stay from everyone I tried to talk to about how I was feeling, which, understandably, was only close friends, my mum, my sister, all people you'd have thought would care more about my feelings than about 'how it would look'. It's not like I was talking about it with anyone who would stand still! My life would have been so much better if I'd left earlier, because he was controlling and abusive, but this was pre-MN for me, and I had such difficulty articulating how bad he was making me feel when superficially he was such a Nice Guy. I totally capitulated in the face of all the pressure. It took me another 15 years to leave. So I think it's true that people are much more comfortable when women are kept tethered to their men, however rubbish they are, but I can't decide if it's a society-wide thing or whether it's something women in particular do to other women.

Overflowingwithcosmos · 08/04/2026 19:15

It was my dad who was the most judgy. (His attitude was that I had failed - suggested I was too feminist.) I was possibly saved from judgment by my friends/school run etc, bc my exH openly had an affair. I wasn’t excluded by any other women, but I did end up with a string of (single) male friends who used to turn up at my home a lot - mostly for emotional support. It took me a while to realise that a single mother is a magnet for needy men who will drain your time and energy if you let them!!!

cubistqueen · 08/04/2026 19:05

5128gap · 08/04/2026 10:50

I think women who leave their husbands are expected to disclose either abusive situations or his cheating to justify it. Where a woman leaves but chooses to keep her reasons private she is often the subject of gossip, speculation and judgement. She is often considered to be of dubious morals (who would break up their children's home, and Steve seems such a nice guy...) and basically guilty unless she is prepared to convince that she is innocent.

Ha yep. I got all of that - from my own mother! Lost friends because they thought that I’d be after their husbands (as if!) and fellow mums at the school gate telling me how wonderful my ex husband was doing the pick ups most days (well that’s cos he lost his job as he was a gambling addict and I was working two jobs trying to keep the girls and I going, pay the rent and also the debts that the fucker put in my name…but no he was the heroic dad who had no idea why his marriage broke up 🙄).

bitter? Moi?

DrCoconut · 08/04/2026 19:05

I have noticed invitations to things are a bit couply and I don't tend to get included. I have had zero attention from men in the almost decade that I've been a single mum again. Unlike the first time round when I was in my 20s. Probably not a bad thing since I have no time for a relationship anyway. Other single mums are your best bet socially.

Greymatterwriter · 08/04/2026 18:57

Ricecakes101 · 08/04/2026 10:11

Inspired by a thread bemoaning cultural attitudes of the 80s and how difficult it was for women to leave - true. But in my experience recent attitudes were awful.

I left my abusive husband 10 years ago when my children were young and I was stigmatised as a single mother by all the women at the school gate who had genuine concerns I would try it on with their husbands and so wanted me nowhere near. I was left out of social gatherings cliques and my children were not invited to parties. The few and I mean few people who were friends with me I will forever be grateful to.

I was treated in a mysogynistic and sexualised way by many many men I met in literally any capacity once they realised I was a single mum as someone they thought would be grateful for sex and attention - so disrespectful and gross. Very close friends did not believe he was capable of what he had done and implied it was my fault. These attitudes towards me were heartbreaking during a very painful time.

This honestly occurred over the 5 years I was single until I was in an established relationship with my new partner. I'm sure you'll all say well you must be a wanker then but I'm not sure that's completely true - I always had a thriving social life in my home town, with lots of friends from all contexts. I moved counties for exh work and left him due to abuse within 2 years so I had no established friend group around. Since being ina long term relationship since with a blokey bloke , guess what invites all back on the table, social life back on.

So for all of you saying -attitudes have changed - have a think about anyone you know who has actually left someone in clearly difficult circumstances and how you treat them - are you threatened, are you jealous, do you think they will be desperate for a shag, do you want to steer clear? As your it's your moment by moment actions and judgements that make up social attitudes. Rant over.

God that is awful and so disappointing to hear you were treated that way @Ricecakes101 I’m so sorry you experienced that.

I was pushed out by a group following a negative abusive experience so I am not remotely shocked but it is such a horrible experience. Honestly though the older I get the more relieved I am that people behaved that way. It really helped to separate out the chaff from the wheat in my life and I am utterly blessed that there are still such amazing wonderful people in my life who didn’t choose that route.

Tableforjoan · 08/04/2026 18:52

I can’t say more of my friends are taken rather than single.

Though I can say I tend to avoid couple meets ups full stop as sadly after a few beers the men tend to feel the need to pass comments on my breasts so I’d rather just avoid the men full stop. I hate when I find out a friend’s husband is just a Pervy bastard makes things awkward.

Maybe that’s why it makes no difference to me.

Original poster
Ricecakes101 · 08/04/2026 18:47

All your posts are so saddening but also heartening as it's only when we see a pattern that whole groups can make meaningful change. I think the fears and stigmas around single mothers in general and of course single women in general mean everyone needs to take a long hard look at the way women internalise mysogyny and essentially attack vulnerable women by systemic relational rejection - it's a form of bullying, really, and it's just not ok.

OP posts:
Koolaidchic · 08/04/2026 17:51

Boomer55 · 08/04/2026 16:29

I left my first husband, after 20+ years. No abuse, I just wanted something different.

No one treated me any differently, so perhaps it depends on the people around you.

I does not depend on the people around you. Society judges.

Boomer55 · 08/04/2026 16:29

I left my first husband, after 20+ years. No abuse, I just wanted something different.

No one treated me any differently, so perhaps it depends on the people around you.

ThisYearIsMyYear · 08/04/2026 16:25

Interesting thread. When I read the title, I thought yabu, but having read the posts and thought about it a bit more, I've definitely experienced some of this. In particular, I found that other women assumed it was me that had been left, and then proceeded to tell me how lovely my ex was though, once they found it was the other way round. I also found friends evaporated socially, but tbf I was quite unsociable myself during the aftermath of the split so I've always assumed it was my fault - but maybe I'm wrong about that. My loveliest friend has quite a dishy, tactile husband (though I'm not interested in him, or anyone else's DH for that matter) so I'm valuing her friendship all the more in the light of what pp are saying!

catshatsandchats · 08/04/2026 16:24

In the 90s when I left my husband who was emotionally abusive a friend wrote to me and told me she could no longer talk to me as her husband was worried my attitude would rub off on her. Never heard from her again.

Skibbidirizzohio · 08/04/2026 16:16

Can totally relate to this.

SeaGardening · 08/04/2026 16:13

Ten years ago the same happened to me . As soon as the exh moved out, two of very close friends that I’d been seeing nearly daily , due to closeness of our DC , have disappeared- literally overnight.
They knew about the issues in my marriage (theirs weren’t any better). Their behaviour was shocking, an utter disgrace.
How can women be so unsympathetic, so unsupportive of each other, in the largely misogynistic society that favours men anyway, is beyond comprehension.

I was however extremely lucky with my wonderful immediate and extended family. They all knew my exh, it was a looooong marriage .
When it ended, my family were pleased: for years they witnessed my struggle to keep it all together for the sake of DC. My DSis said - I never understood how you ‘endured him’ for so long.
My mother said the divorce was the best thing that happened to me, and if I had any brain , that I wouldn’t bother with men ever again!
She was utterly disgusted when after 5 years of being single, I met a man, and had a loving relationship with.
Sometimes I think that my mum is a men hater 😂
But yes, the family was totally supportive , they were just brilliant.

SerendipityJane · 08/04/2026 15:54

Bronte fans should read "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall" to realise things haven't changed for a lot longer than they might have imagined

birdskirt · 08/04/2026 15:43

When I left my husband there was a spate of his younger brother and a friend of my ex's (both married) turning up to my flat to see if I needed any help by which I mean they were sniffing around to see if I'd be up for shagging them.

I don't really remember women being weird of shoving their married or coupled up status in my face, if they did I don't remember that. I ended up reconnecting with an old university friend quite quickly and we are now married so I was only single for a year or so. Right after my separation I took a job in a supermarket for a while and there was a younger guy working there who I thought was seeing if I was up for sex but he turned out to be very sincere but way too young for me.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 08/04/2026 15:32

YADNBU. I wouldn’t have believed it before I experienced it.

Invitations suddenly dried up, friends drifted, and there was overt suspicion if I ever had cause to message a man directly about eg child logistics etc.

*Edit to add, I also had the same as others where “friends” suddenly started telling me what a nice guy Ex was etc. I assume because I didn’t publicly state why we’d split (he’d stolen a lot of money from the DC). It was definitely seen as me making my own life difficult for little/no reason.