To not send my 6yo to her dads when she doesn't want to go

I used to object to going to my Dad’s when I was little. I thought it was boring and my dad didn’t have much idea of how to play with a young girl. I ca remember having full on screaming tantrums a couple of times.

But I was always made to go and I will be forever thankful for that. If my mum had given into me, I’d barely have any childhood memories of my own father and we would never have had the opportunity to develop a relationship. There are reasons why children don’t make important decisions.

Yeah I'm not sure the willy-shaped candy is the main issue her. His utter shitness as a father is more to the point.

OP I'd stop sending her and I'd tell him why. If he wants to see her he can take her out for the afternoon- or he can go to court and get a contact agreement in place. If he won't do that then he really doesnt give a shit.

It's genuinely alarming how many people in this thread think it's perfectly normal for a 6 year old GIRL to know what cartoon willies are and to find it funny. I think many people need to take a hard look at their own upbringing and why they think it's totally fine for young girls to be exposed to age inappropriate imagery and concepts.

I think there's nothing wrong about a grown man to having willy candies around, maybe gifted as a joke. But it's very odd for his 6 year old daughter to know what those are and to be able to describe it by name, and it doesn't raise any red flags with the mother either. It means someone actively explained to her before the age of 6 what a cartoon depiction of male genitalia looks like and that for some reason it's supposed to be scandalous or funny. That is absolutely sexualising children before the are ready.

For reference, we are not prude or religious in any way and DD loves toilet humour. She also knows that boys have "bits" that make them different to girls. But she makes absolutely no connection between the image of willy (which she has seen in shops) and the fact it's supposed to represented male genitalia because that's an abstract concept an adult actively needs to explain to a child at that age. Most girls will probably learn what cartoon willies are when they're 8 and older but 6 is extremely young.

If a 6 year old girl came to our house for a play date and started talking about willies or drawing them, I would see that as a massive red flag.

Bear in mind the context of this entire thread is based on the fact a 6 year old girl is crying and pleading that she doesn't want to go stay in a house with at least two older males (father & brother), able to describe that they have willy shaped sweets lying around and people here are still in total denial this isn't an acceptable environment for a small girl.

I agree.

One last try and then I’d stop sending her if she doesn’t want to go. He sounds awful. I wouldn’t force my child. It’s not your fault he’s like this.

No it doesn't.

'Maybe I do need to just continue to remain positive'
In six to eight years time you'll be wondering why she ignores red flags in relationships and chases after people who treat her like rubbish.

He isn't meeting her needs. She is experiencing a level of neglect from him and his family. You aren't taking any notice of her wants. Where do you think this will end up? This will slowly chip away at her self esteem. If he can't meet her needs and not expose her to inappropriate objects, she doesn't go. Absolutely do not force her to go. He nurture a relationship with her, or she gets to choose.

I wouldn’t make her go if she didn’t want to. Could he take her out for a couple of hours and return her to yours, or spend time with her at your place ?

Unless there is an actual reason you snd ex should be a united front supporting the agreed timetable. My DC has preferred both of our places at different times, what will you do if in a year or 2 if the situation reverses…

This sounds a really tough situation for both you and your DD but I think it’s a better option to try and have some reasonable conversations with him (not in front of your daughter) about your / her concerns and then encourage her to go there, rather than just reduce the time. I get it must be horrible to send her upset but as others have said, she’s too young to really understand. Also, if you keep reducing his contact more and more then he won’t have the chance to get to know her and improve the relationship.

I’d just message him and say she doesn’t want to go
if it’s making her miserable do not force her to go she will hate you for this in years to come. One of my daughters friends year 5 has this the mum makes her go and she is so miserable she even told me when she came to play she doesn’t like it there and it’s cruel to make them.
If he is bothered he will have to get a court order and then it’ll be battled out and a social worker will speak to her and a decision made moving forward.

That is a bad answer from him, and he sounds extremely unpleasant.

It does make this father some weirdo.

Or maybe they were just sweepers that the 6 year thought looked liked willies

Doesn't seem like it would be spite if she tries to stop contact with him as posters are suggesting

Let him? If she doesn't the court will

I think you should try to improve things for both her and your futures.
There may come a time when you really appreciate your Ex having your DD for his agreed days. Childcare from her own father could free you up greatly in future.

Secondly, and more importantly, her family relationships are worth working for, and that means her dad and his parents. I hear your disappointment that they could all be doing a lot better, but please talk to them all about this, rather than allowing a 6 year old to diminish relationships that could be precious to her in future. A father who shows an interest is a valuable person in her life. My own children barely see their father and, while I appreciate the simplicity in some ways, I see how much they miss out on.

How about approaching it along the lines of "DD keeps saying she doesn't want to come because you just play games with her brother and she doesn't get the food she likes. But you're her dad and it's important that she sees you, and presumably we both want this to be good for you and her. I'm leaving the ball in your court to improve things for her, but if you want any pointers let me know. "