To have a fourth child?

We have a HH income of half yours and four children a few years ahead of you. We probably live in a cheaper area of the country, as we manage fine. Both to take children to clubs etc (takes a village though!), pay for music lessons etc, be emotionally available and help with homework. It is tiring and ca be hard to get a babysitter and we don’t do private school. Absolutely love having four and don’t want five!

I’ve 4 and I’d possibly have had 6 if DH had been willing.

Really though the 4th child took away time and opportunities for the other 3, we had such a lot/ good set up that I think they are all ok but it’s a lot.

It will when the older ones need financing through university!

I personally wouldn't. You've got 3 lovely children atm but imagine the impact on all of you if for instance the 4th had severe disabilities. That alone would stop me. Also older children are more demanding than younger ones and all the coat implications of later years. I'd be focusing on making sure the 3 i had already had the best and every opportunity I could give them.

I did a stint as a lone parent of only two because DH had to work away for a bit. Nearly killed me. I am still not over it.

I had four. No regrets and now they are adults I’m reaping the rewards of a bigger family. I loved having a big family. Only regret is I ended up a single parent when youngest was 3yo.

Also possible twins? Not uncommon apparently.

I've got 4a bigger age range than you. Oldest was 10 when the youngest was born. I was also older as 4th was a surprise at 42! I've found the youngest harder than the othersbut I wonder if that was my age and the age difference made a difference. I think I was just over parenting small children. I love my surprise 4th, but actually think 3 is the magic number. You still get the feel of a big family but not the logistical difficulties of 6.

I think 3 is a lot already, who knows what the future might bring. Could you manage 4 kids if your OH died/had an affair and left and you were only working part time? I'd rather be able to help my kids more with uni expenses and house deposits than have another child. Also jobs for graduates are pretty hard to find right now and with AI it's only going to get harder. Personally I think it's a selfish choice but it's yours to make not randoms on MN.

Personally, I wouldn’t. I have 3 and that is the magic number for us, but my goodness life is relentless. Three at your DC ages seems very doable, but once they are all at school, with endless events, activities, homework requirements, different learning support needed, multiple extra curriculars, play dates, parties, childcare needs, emotional support, academic guidance, personal development for each child, illness etc, it really is a lot. There is no way I could spread myself any thinner and give each child what they need. Enjoy what you have and embrace the chaos of three!

Can you afford to fund 4 children through independent school, university, accommodation for 1 or 2 years after graduation, and give them meaningful deposits on only 200K?

It may be doable at state school if you are in catchment of a high performing comp / grammar school but university will still be 60k+ per child not including fees. But if you shift the fees burden onto them, they will have that debt burden to carry. Expect 100k per child if you self fund.

A 4th would also require an extra flight on holidays and another hotel room as most family rooms/suite max out at 5 occupants.

If you simplify the holidays, do state school, and let them take out student loans, you should be able to live comfortably with the 4 you want and have the money saved for their house deposits at the end.

Have you all boys, all girls or a mixture @Wherethewildoneswander ?

@CharlotteRumpling I would add, if you split up would you be able to cope with 4 children?

How much time do you both get with your current DC? Helping with homework, emotional support (this could be greater in teen years)

Perimenopause and 4 children could be fun!

I will say that raising my now adult DC has required more mental, physical and financial resources than I ever anticipated. I did not foresee AI, or Brexit, or the pandemic!

Small kids are easy. But big kids, bigger problems.

I wouldn't, for reasons already covered by PP. Everything is ticking along so nicely now. Children become more complex as they get older and may present more challenges in the future than they do now. I would quit while you're ahead and coping just fine.

Oh god, I can’t imagine why people would want so many kids, especially when you’ve already got 3 such young ones. But I wouldn’t say anything to you of course.

I will chip in to say that you are mad! 😀
But I am in London where 200 k does not go very far.

Some other considerations:
Uni fees ( if uni still exists)
House or flat deposits or rent for DC
AI taking jobs
Possible SN child; would you cope?

If you both want a 4th then why wouldn’t you try?

I’d recommend doing some financial projections beyond the immediate years your children are under 18. A solid, financially proposal, in my experience, is more likely to convince a high earning partner more than ‘wouldn’t be lovely…we can afford it right now’ sort of vibe.

1. Typical parent contribution per year when a child is at university is around 10k Minimum for rent/food etc.
2. Funding for unpaid internships, driving lessons, first car…will you all be ready for that?
3. When is your mortgage paid off? Have you factored in saving to provide their first flat/house deposit? This dilemma has flummoxed me personally. We live in an inheritocracy right now.
4. What industries do you work in and what are the risks of redundancies in your 50s? Men in their 50s are especially vulnerable in certain industries.

If I were you, I wouldn’t go for the fourth, particularly if nearing 40. In your 40s, energy levels suddenly change. You never think it’ll happen to you, but it does.

What’s that got to do with this thread?

You don’t really need an AIBU for this, you want more kids, can afford it and are young enough…
so crack on.

Like that would be relevant to someone with a household income of 200k...come on!

You've both always wanted 4 and appear to have the finances and space, so confused as to why you are questioning it?

What's your hestitation?

Well they have lifted the 2 child benefit cap.