How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

You’re a Mum, you are not a super human being, none of us are. You’ve apologized, now, I think least said soonest mended.

Your son won’t be centering on this I can almost 100% guarantee.

rhw most important thing is repair and you’ve done it.
keep telling him that you love him over next few days.
hopefully he won’t do that again I have a three year old that behaved very similarly sometimes and I’ve cried before after he’s hit me in the face.

Unfortunately some children do remember. He may remember.

You need to make sure it doesn't happen again. He needs to know through words and actions that you didn't mean it. You don't have keep going over it.

Boundaries are still important, so don't allow poor behaviour because of guilt. But just make sure he knows you love him and always will.

Honestly every parent has been there. Please give yourself a break.
You apologised and recognised that this was unacceptable and it sounds like your son also apologised for his part in the behaviour/event. You still both clearly love each other.
Take care.
X

what’s important is that you tell him you didn’t mean it and apologise
I usually apologise again and reiterate that I didn’t mean to get so angry the next day when things have calmed down too.
my own mother wouldn’t have apologised or said she didn’t mean it she would have just left it at ‘I hate you’ or ‘I wish you’d ever been born ‘ etc

Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t want to be that poster but I have a great friend who had a normally lively mun and did something like this. She always wondered if her mum did secretly hate her.

There isn’t anything you can do now but like others have said I think you need to understand why you had this extreme and abusive reaction even if it was a one off to not let it happen again.

I disagree. Don’t bring it up again, he’s too young. Just keep telling him you love him very much.

Op he won’t even know what hate means he will be scared in case you shout again but if you are normally calm it won’t have an impact on him he might remember you shouting but not the actual words. No one is a perfect parent but you apologised and hugged him to reassure him you never sent him to bed crying he apologised this might never happen again but as a single mother you are not perfect but none of us are. Please don’t lose sleep over this as you will be even more tired tomorrow just learn from it.

We are all human and sometimes we crack. You modelled excellent behaviour because you apologised unreservedly and you assured him of your love for him.

And I’m a counsellor for young people. Trust me here, you are nowhere near being the shittest mother ever. And children who have really awful experiences still love their parents. Find something to do to help you stop ruminating.

His reaction of 'stop it mum, stop it' would have been to your anger not your words.

As other posters have said, it's not ideal, but honestly I've been there in a similar place before. You gotta try let it go, you can't change it and bringing it up again tomorrow/sunday/next month is just going to remind him and create the memory, so to speak.

Extra love tomorrow for you both. Lots of cuddles, if he brings it up repeat your apology, but don't bring it up to him.

He's fine, you're just human you apologised and he maybe learned a lesson. No permanent damage done.

Your relationship with your son has been built on his lifetime of your love and care for him. He will not judge how loved he is by a few moments of temper quickly apologised for, but by how he is treated day to day. This one incident doesn't define your relationship and it won't damage him. It's a drop in the ocean of the everyday love you show him.
While it's always regrettable to lose control, there is a lesson there for him. That other people are human and if we mistreat them they get upset and react. This is helpful to understand to navigate relationships
If I were you, I'd not make any more of it. He will take his cue from you, so the more awful you tell him you were, the more likely he is to think it was a bigger deal than it need be. Carry on as normal. Instead of regretting something you can't change have a plan in place to handle it differently next time.

Sending you huge hugs 🫂 because ive been there too and I know you need them. Being a single parent is inexplicably challenging, and it is profoundly overwhelming at times like this. People think that mothers have to be this ethereal creature of love, kindness and devotion that do everything right by their kids.

Mothers are human beings. You are a human being and you have emotions, nobody is perfect and things like this happen. You will mess up sometimes, you were very highly emotional, being hit and just very overwhelmed and overstimulated in that moment. It is important to understand your feelings in order to process them, and it is a really great sign that you recognise how wrong this was and feel guilt - that makes you a good mum.

I think you handled the situation following your outburst perfectly - you took time to calm down, you went back, labelled what happened to enable your son to understand, and you apologised. You cant do any more than that. I would gently bring it up with him tomorrow, remind him how much you love him etc. Im sure that he is fine, these things happen in life. It sounds like you keep your cool 99% of the time otherwise, and as long as you do that and are vocal about your love for him then you have nothing to worry about.

Just dont be so hard on yourself - of course it wasnt a good thing to do, but its not like its a common occurrence. Other parents do much much worse and are not sorry about it, either. The fact you have learnt from this is already testament to what a wonderful mother you are, just remember youre not just a mum - you are a person. Keep your chin up, love your son, live your life - dont overthink it.

I think in the end you modelled good behaviour. You lost your shit and screamed hateful things (bad) but then you apologised straightaway and reassured him with your love (good). He will have learned something useful from this. How strong your love is and how to repair after a row.

Can you remember being shouted at when you were three? No, I didn’t think so! The only time I remember being shouted at was when/ hit was when I was shouting at my mum age 14 and I shouted at her the wrong parent died (my dad had died about 2 years prior) she was telling me I couldn’t go to the cinema, I said the above and she slapped me across the face. I 100% deserved it.

Even then though we both burst into tears and said we. Were sorry.

Please don't wallow in self-loathing. You had an emotional reaction that wasn't ideal but it's not the end of the world.

One bad moment doesn't outweigh all the hours of love you've shown him.

I'm going to go against most posters here who say we have all been there - we absolutely haven't. The feelings of frustration, sure, but to say that to a child, repeatedly and with venom - absolutely not.
You will have destroyed some trust here, and he will remember. So you need to work out why you couldn't control yourself and what you can do to help yourself next time you feel overwhelmed. Because there will be a next time.

Oh OP give yourself a little break. Even for 5 minutes. We have all been there in some way shape or form. I lost my temper when my son was five and not getting ready for school and more or less did the same thing.
He is now 11 and has never mentioned it to me and seems happy and well adjusted.
Remember how big his world is. You love him everyday day and do so much for him. That’s what he’ll remember.

My most shameful memory was ds1 at about the same age being a complete pain all morning and then kicking off while I was trying to drive. I lost it and screamed, can't even remember what I said but he wailed that I sounded 'like a monster'.

I gave him copious hugs and apologised very many times and nothing ever happened like it again but I'm still writhing in shame remembering it.

He's 18. He doesn't remember it. He knows fine well that I love him to death, and when I'm a dick, I apologise for it.

Go easy on yourself, OP. You've got a lot on your plate and you snapped. Happens.

Go give him another kiss and tell him you love him, even if he's asleep. It will be fine.

Oh I'm sure he's either heard other kids or said himself "I hate you" only for the people involved to return to friends later on. He'll know it's a way of showing anger. He'll know anger doesn't last forever.

He will absolutely know and feel that you do and have always loved him

I think sometimes things can get hard for us mums, kids really do test us. Dont stress yourself even more by not forgiving yourself for felling like that, your little boy said sorry for playing up to you too.

The main thing is you said sorry and he said sorry and both cuddled up. Tomorrow is another day and I bet your wee pals again. 🥰❤️

This
Don't beat yourself up OP

I think cut yourself some slack. The lesson learnt is people can say things in the heat of the moment, even adults get it wrong, you apologised. He wasn’t physically hurt. I don’t think you’ve done any damage at all.

A social worker said to a friend that if there are occasional losses of temper with apologies, in a general background of a loving environment then the kids muddle through.

I personally would apologise again tonight and tomorrow but not next month etc. Unless he brings it up.

Apparently according to Steve Bidoph ( author) , 1/3 rd of Parents struggle with fits of rage. You are not alone.

Ellie Jelly and the massive mummy meltdown is a good book about this . W