How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

Be kind to yourself op . Not your finest moment but you owned it and apologised which is a good example to your DS how to make things right and talked about the mistakes we make. It’s been a long day, try and sleep and have a better day tomorrow.

I don't know how single parents do it so hats off to you. I don't think he'll remember it particularly well. I know my Mum lost her rag with us plenty and we don't remember details or hold it against her now; she was a loving Mum who gave us all her time and effort and did the best she could. I try so hard to keep calm with mine but sometimes it just gets too much and I shout sometimes things I regret. We can only try to be better each day.

At 4 he won't understand the full emotional weight of the word 'hate'. He just thinks you got really cross with him for hitting and spitting - and of course you would be cross as thise behaviours are not acceptable.

If you continued to be the kind of mother that showed you actually disliked him then he will start to remember the time you said you hated him and feel it more deeply. However, you are clearly a good mum who loves her boy and so he will know this over time more than anything else.

Hopefully he will know not to spit and hit you again. I'm sure he will (they take so long to learn these lessons!), but be prepared next time and just remove yourself from hitting distance and deal with it differently.

Try not to worry - mums deal with enough guilt about every little thing so don't let this one incident consume you

You may have taught him a huge lesson. You didn't hit him & you reassured him you love him. Put it behind you. Your doing a great job

Agree. I've never lost it with a child and we shouldn't minimise it

But, what's done is done. Attachment involves rupture and repair

I suggest OP gives her son lots of hugs tomorrow and then moves on

This is so true, when there is nobody there to say "don't do that to your mum, say sorry" and to take over so you can gather yourself and your thoughts

OP, with all respect, I get how worried you are and how hard you’re trying to be a good mum, so give your head a wobble. He can’t be too young to understand an apology yet old enough to understand the full meaning of “I hate you” and be laying in bed at four years old ruminating over it. What he was yelling “stop mum” about was probably just the yelling. I bet he didn’t even pay attention to what was said. Four year olds aren’t known for their quiet introspection. He and his little friends probably yell at each other and then hug and say they love each other all the time. If he felt how you’re afraid of, you would have heard about it by now.

And I have to agree with others. I don’t know if he’s normally a “nice, calm” little boy. I would NEVER have dared to hit (much less spit at!!) my grandmother, especially when she was going to the effort to wash me. I don’t particularly blame you for losing your temper over being hit and spit on; most people would! It might hurt less than an adult doing it, but it doesn’t feel less of unpleasant because it’s a child doing it instead of a full-grown adult.

There’s this idea that you should emit calm and light and understanding even if your child takes a shite in their own hands and then claps in your face. It’s very odd, socially, and not helpful for mums like OP - her DS was being a right mate, she had a “moment,” apologized, and it’s over. Forgive yourself, OP. 💐

You can't change what you did, but you can change what happens next time.

You need to come up with a suitable way of dealing with his behaviour. You also need to find a way to have a break, it really sounds like you need one.

Remember, it's everyone's first time here. We are all learning.

Tell me about. I scared myself enough too and never repeated it again.

Not ideal but we’ve all made mistakes. Also he has realized he went too far. Try to consider how you too handle it in future - deep breathing, count to ten whatever. You’ll feel better tomorrow

I can remember my child aged under 5 spitting at me and kicking my leg in the chip shop because I would not buy them some horrible bright red pop . I was so shocked that I hauled them out of the shop and yelled in their face. I was a single parent and sometimes you are just running on empty, and they blindside you when you have no inner resources to handle things calmly. You said sorry, he said sorry, and just the fact that you are still feeling awful shows that you are a good mum. As others have said, a less good mum would think that her actions were fine and give it no further thought.

I think there is something about being spat at that is very demeaning and difficult to take calmly. Worse than being hit.

Most parents have snapped ay some point and said something awful that they wish they could take back. I know I have.
There's nothing wrong with bringing it up again.
The fact that you're so upset by it shows that you're not a crap mum.

My daughter is about 6 months older than your son and I'm also a single mum. We have so much pressure on us to get shit done, be perfect mothers and also earn a decent wage that since I've been single (just over a year) I often feel awful about the lack of time and patience I have for DD compared to before the split. Anyway, I too have snapped at her and am unfortunately often a bit grumpy but we always save time at the end of the day for a big long cuddle and chat and I often remind her that I always, always love her even when I'm grumpy, even when I'm angry and no matter what she can do will stop me loving her.

You don't need to bring it up again, but I would just keep reminding him how much you love him even when you're angry you love him. It will be fine - look after yourself (I'm my most grumpy and impatient when I've been overworked and haven't been sleeping enough) ❤️

He was hitting you and spitting at you. You reacted. He needed to lear that lesson, that your mum is human and has her limits. If you weren't a single parent, his dad might have waded in on your side and saved the day. (I've been there.)

Give yourself a break here.

And make sure he understands that his behaviour was way out of line, too.

I think when we are at the end of our tether sometimes we self sabotage as well, it’s like you yelled that you hated him because you knew you would feel awful for saying that, kind of punishing yourself as well sort of thing.

I think best not to bring it up again as something to “remember” and dwell on if he is literally completely over it, but maybe tomorrow just subtly test the waters to see if he’s thinking about it. Something like, “you know mummy loves you SO much but sometimes when she’s very tired and cross I might not seem like it and I’m sorry for that” - to open the conversation to see if he wants to talk about it and needs more reassurance.

And instead of lying here worrying about it, go and snuggle him! The oxytocin of his little cuddles will help your stress and help you sleep.

Agree with all the other posters reassuring you.
We are all human and he was pushing you and you snapped. You did the right thing to take yourself away when safe, calm down and return and apologise to him and explain.
Don't labour it with him now. It's done, you've explained, apologised. Just continue to show him you love him in all the normal ways I'm sure you do.
It's okay for us all to have big feelings and to learn to cope with them by reflecting on things and talking it out.
This is okay, he is okay and you are a good mum.
We have all lost our temper. Parenting is hard. Especially single parenting.
The very fact you feel so horrendous is testament to how much you do care for him.
We all fuck up. Be kind to yourself.

So many of us have been there. You can keep everything together for so long but eventually something gives way. It sounds like you took some time out, were calm when you went back and it sounds like you apologised in a way he will understand.

He might completely forget about it, you will definitely remember and feel awful everyone you do. But part of being a parent us we don't always get it right. And we are human! We are not perfect.

My mum lost her shit with me and my siblings really badly once. We did always get told off but she really lost it one day.
It didn’t do us any harm and I never really thought about it until I ready your post.
As a kid I remember that I thought I should stop doing whatever I was doing to be a pain in the arse.
As an adult I realise she was a working mum with 3 small children, my dad was abroad and we lived hundreds of miles from anyone else in the family and we never left her alone, we used to talk to her in the bath and in the loo. She never got a minutes peace! We are the best of friends now and I voluntarily hang out with her so alls well that ends well ☺️

This is a great suggestion!

Not eating and not sleeping are sure fire ways to find yourself making more choices you are disappointed in.

He has forgiven you, you have repaired with him in an age appropriate way. Recognise what you didn’t like about your feelings and actions and then forgive yourself. You and he will be ok but you need to eat and sleep to be ready for tomorrow ❤️

Now you’re making me cry 🤣😭 Of course you deserve them. Have a cup of tea, watch something silly on Netflix, acknowledge you had a bad moment and move on from it. Beating yourself up won’t do anyone any good.

You need to do everything you can to prevent it happening again. He may forget this time, but not the next.

Sorry, I won’t make you feel any better about this.

He may well remember. Get some help for your inability to control yourself before you end up physically hurting him, never mind the mental pain you’ve caused. I recall the vile things my parents said to me due to their inability to control themselves and their poor parenting.

I have a 4yo and an 11yo - the word “hate” has never crossed my mind with them; never mind my lips.

Pathetic.

I remember screaming at my DS until his sister (3 years older) cried at me to stop. It was awful. I was freshly separated from their dad and going through hell, and God he could push my buttons. I absolutely hated myself too. That was 12 years ago and neither of them even remember it now. Just don't make a huge deal about making it up to him, ie don't keep talking about it.. that'll just draw more attention to it and ring alarm bells to him and only serves to try to make you feel better. He'll be fine if it's a one off, give yourself some grace. Sending hugs x