How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

You're a lovely mum. You know why? Because you care and feel rotten. You're also human! There's not a mum or a human on this planet that's perfect or Mary Poppins 100% of the time.

Sending hugs and hope you manage to sleep after all.

Oh, bless you, this has brought tears to my eyes. You snapped in the moment. I am a completely solo parent too and its fucking hard. So hard. You shouldn't have said it, you acknowledge that, but sometimes the emotional side of our brain takes over the logical side. Get your boy, bring him in your bed and fall asleep cuddling him x

And ps the shame you feel is healthy, it’s there to stop you doing it again. Horrible but important

Everyone is rushing to make you feel better, but honestly this may end up being one for the therapists couch. You don’t know but it’s not ideal and it isn’t nothing. However you have the opportunity to repair.
Firstly you need to improve your skills so you can keep your shit together and potentially get some mental health support If you feel that’s necessary. Secondly, I would be trying to get some professional guidance on how to handle it, rather than a load of parents on here who have skin in the game because they too may have lost it with their kid and don’t want to feel bad about it themselves. I’d feel inclined to talk to him about it again tomorrow, then I would be bringing it up every couple of years as an example of what happens when we can’t self regulate, to check in with him in case he does remember it and is bothered by it. I just don’t see what could be bad about revisiting it, there’s useful stuff to learn in there and if you talk about it, it gives him permission to.
I remember my mum screaming “what did I do to deserve children like you?” At my sisters and I when I was much older and it has stayed with me. please don’t let others encourage you to brush it under the carpet in an attempt to make you feel better.

Also a single mum here and lone parent.
Support groups have helped me.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/support-for-single-parents/

I don’t think at 4 he really understands hatred, he probably just sees it the same way he would a sibling or similar aged friend having a bit of an outburst & saying ‘I hate you’

Sleep well tonight. It wasn’t your finest moment but also you are generally a good parent who loves your son. You wouldn't be so upset if you didnt care and weren’t a great parent.

he will not hold onto this I’m sure, however what I hope he has learnt is that when you say stop you mean it and he doesn’t ignore you again.

if he does that again, immediately end the Bath/Activity/leave wherever you are, put him in a safe place I.e. his bedroom and go and calm down away from him.

i have shouted previously, different words but an outburst of anger and I find it’s when I’m exhausted, overworked, underslept etc. I now try to manage myself better to regulate myself

I think it’s actually useful for them to learn that you can’t push people too far, even parents. You need to forgive yourself and get some sleep.

You did a lot of apologising and I think I wouldn’t mention it to him again – just assume it’s over and done with unless he brings it up. Otherwise you’re making it more important than it needs to be. Honestly, we all lose it sometimes.

I would bring it up in a very lowkey way, when you’re next to each other so say in the car, rather than facing him. Just something like, “I didn’t mean what I said to you yesterday, I was being horrid and it’s not true, I love you more than etc etc” and then move on, maybe make a silly joke about something to change the mood. I do think you should tell him it’s not ok to spit etc etc though.
I’ve not said this to my children but I’m not judging a mum who’s exhausted and was pushed and came out with it and then afterwards, is full of regret and horror and self loathing. Parenting is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done so I’m not casting aspersions on someone who’s trying to get it right, especially someone who knows they’ve made a mistake but is brave enough to face up to that and seek to improve.

It is unlikely to scar because you apologised and acknowledged what you did, explained why and said it wasn't true and you shouldn't have done it. It's when people pretend that it didn't happen it turns into a scar.

Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. Everyone makes mistakes along the way.
You’re unreasonable to blow this out of proportion.
Don’t bring it up again and hold true to doing better next time.

I doubt at his age he will remember it, and to be honest as a single parent i take my hat off to you and really feel for you and others having to handle as I have behaved in ways i'm not proud of saying harsh things in anger to the kids even with a supportive husband to help share the load.
It is obviously not something you want to get in the habit of though, so i would think carefully about how you can help yourself not get to that point again.

Hopefully this.

is he neurodivergent?

Do not bring it up again. It will just remind him of it.

Try to forgive yourself. Nobody ever made a mistake on purpose.

Actions speak much louder than words.

You sound very tired, is there any way you can get a little break?

The other thing that is worrying me is that because he is barely even 4 I am concerned he didn’t fully understand my apology or the fact that I didn’t mean what I said. He might think on one level I do actually hate him

Also I should add that he usually not like that, he does have his moments but he’s generally a really lovely and calm child

Your actions and words going forward will show him that you do not hate him but, if his behaviour is usually pretty easy, you do need to think about why one bath time tipped you over the edge. (e.g. Is something else going on with you and this was just the last straw that made you crumble? How is your temper generally with people?)
I'm not trying to have a go or make you feel worse because it's clear you know that this wasn't ok (which already makes you a better parent than many!), but being sad and feeling guilty isn't going to make things better on its own. You do need to think practically about why this happened and how to avoid in the future. That will be the difference when it comes to the way he sees himself and what he sees when he looks back on childhood.

Sometimes this kinda thing leads to even better parenting as you become more reflective.

I think you handled it perfectly tbh. There's a lot to be said for not being too proud to apologise to your kid. Agree that this will stick in your mind much more than in his. 💐

OP I wish I could give you a hug. I have done this more than once. Covid drove me insane and I WAS NOT the mother I wanted to be.

Cut yourself some slack. You obviously adore your kid. You lost it. We all do! You did exactly the right thing after - you repaired and co regulated with him. So you taught him - mummy is a human being and loses her shit like I do, says things that she feels in the moment because she's angry. You also taught him - the right thing to do is calm down and repair the situation.

My fears when this happened to me was that this would become my new normal. I d just become this hideous mother who would do this all the time. That didn't happen and it won't happen to you. Treat this like a warning bell. The warning is that you need to understand why it's happening. Mine was covid, working full time, no child care. What's driving yours? And try and address that. In the moment BREATHE. Focus on your breath. Look into box breathing. And tell your kid - you are driving me crazy, I need a break, give me five minutes or I will lose my shit. Maybe that's terrible parenting... But it works here. My kid will 9 times out of 10 give me a look of understanding , say something like ya well you're driving me crazy too, we ll take five minutes and then we'll be ok for round two.

Go easy on yourself. Your kid knows you love him. He now knows the person who loves him is a human being. That's all.

It's understandable you feel like this, but you're only human, and with a lot on your plate.

I'm sure you'll work on not repeating this, but please try as well not to go the other way by overcompensating for this mistake.
Reassure him as needed, but always remember children do well with discipline, boundaries and stability.

We have all been there. Don't make a habit of it. But your son's feeling of love is based on how you are over the course of everything, not on a blip. Use this experience to know when you need to step away next time.

The main thing is that you made up properly afterwards. As long as there is proper repair after a rupture there should be no lasting damage.

I remember I once shouted at 3 year old DD so fiercely that she wet herself. She’s 14 now and I still lie awake thinking about it some nights. Our relationship is very close and loving and always has been (and hopefully always will be).

Stop thinking about it now, it’s done and cannot be undone but you can change the effect of this by reminding him it’s his behaviour you hate, you love him but hate that type of behaviour.

As an aside, I think this has hurt you a lot and I wonder if you are really needing a bit of slack and maybe a bit of self love too.

mums don’t always get it right at the moment but it will be ok in time.

If you were to do this on a regular basis, and your actions did nothing to suggest it wasn't true then, yes, you will harm your child
As a one off, when you show love to your child all the time - your son is going to be just fine.
You may have started his understanding that there are consequences to bad behaviour - if he is starting school this year he will need to understand you can't hit and spit at people as there will be consequences there