How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

My now 14yo pushed my patience beyond the limit a few times at age. I remember screaming at her to shut up in the car once. She's fine and we've had a good relationship since she got through that phase. My younger DS didn't push my buttons quite so badly so she definitely got the worst of me but we've all come out the other end absolutely fine.

No, I've never once lost my temper and shouted. Not even once. Not even when they were being horrid. Not a single parent. And not Mary Poppins!

How many times every day have you told him you love him? That's what he is living with and what he'll remember. Channel your guilt into working out what pushed you over the edge and how you can prevent yourself getting so frustrated in future. Plan how you will react when things get fraught.

He will be fine but remind him again tomorrow that you didn't mean it and were overwrought .

Try not to give yourself such a hard time. Clearly you are remorseful and you are only human. My little human has pushed me to the absolute limit on occasion too, and I’ve not been proud of my response.

Tonight you also taught your son the right way to respond after saying something we don’t mean. You may have had a bad response during bathtime but you also role modelled a good response and repaired and reconnected.

Perhaps at bedtimes and over the next few days, make a point of saying mummy loves you no matter what. It will soon be old news. As others have said, I’m sure you will be giving it way more thought than him. X

Bring it up every few years?? Absolutely NOT!

Children that age don’t remember things UNLESS they’re reminded of it repeatedly - and this unpleasant incident is NOT what you want him to remember of his childhood.

If there is something more to it, which seems to be what you suspect then thats different, and maybe more than just advice on how to handle bad behaviour better IS needed, but we really don’t know that.

It’s ironic because you say other posters have skin in the game but you are explicitly projecting from your own childhood and there is no evidence that the situations are comparable.

@10000ak Don’t bring it up again unless he talks about it - others have given you good advice about what to say if he does (and I think going in to his room and giving him a nice cuddle will help you sleep tonight).

CALMLY emptying the bath if it happens again is probably a wise thing to do as well - no fuss, just “OK that’s it, bath over” (preferably preceded by a warning if you can do that without losing it yourself!)

And if you feel you’re not coping generally then maybe you might need to work something else out - but not in the form of repeated apologies to your DS. That’s not what he needs from you.

Dont worry too much: as a one-off it’s horrible but probably worse for you than for him.

You need help and suspect this wasn't a one off. If you love and care for this child you need to get some help (before you actually do any lasting damage) because what you are describing sounds like a totally hostile reaction to normal kid behaviour.

Please don't keep bringing it up, he will forget it. Just keep telling him you love him
Many years ago my 6DS threw all my new expensive creams in the sink, he smirked when he told me this, I was so upset, it's the first thing I had bought myself in two years. I chased him round our flat, trying to smack him... fortunately he was quick and I think I missed (it was 30 years ago) anyway, it ate away at me for years and was the last time I ever hit my kids . When he was about 20 I was chatting to him about it, apologized to him and said I was so sorry, I had lost control - he didn't remember a thing about it... nothing 🤔

This!

I had a really similar outburst with dd at the same age, I completely lost it and can remember shaking with rage at her.

Im also a single parent.

It’s really bloody hard raising a kid on your own, if you had a partner and you feel yourself loosing it they can step in and give you a break. Theres no break when it’s all on you.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing for kids to realise that their mums are only human and if they keep pushing buttons eventually we snap. After my outburst with dd it seemed to reset both of us, she never hit me again and I always walked away if I felt myself getting angry.

She’s 20 now and I don’t think it’s scarred her in anyway.

Bring it up every couple of years just in case he forgets it and moves on?

OP, definitely do not do this. Of all the weird, holier-than-thou takes on here, this is the worst.

You haven't brushed it under the carpet, you've taken it seriously, you've apologised and you've shown love.

I'm sure that you'll also be putting thought into how not to get to that point in future.

You're fine. He's fine. Please ignore anyone trying to give you a complex.

I’ve listened to enough child psychologists to know it’s patterns of behaviour that are the most damaging. You need to think about what is happening every day and try and form a framework where your child feels loved and supported and you feel rested and calm. That’s the stuff that matters, not a rare outburst where you lost your cool after your child had an extended period of poor behaviour.

As if to prove my point.

Say sorry again tomorrow and aim to never do that again.

I end up losing it at bath time. My DS’s bath times were awful for years - he’d go nuts with over tiredness. He has ADHD and just gets so out of control.

If bath time becomes too crazy, switch to a quick shower or bath in the morning or morning shower at weekends instead. Sometimes at night it’s just too much.

If you are kind and patient 95% of the time all should be ok- but do try and manage your language; it can cause harm.

This x

I don’t think you will gain anything by talking about it again unless he brings it up. Do you reflect on how you are feeling (I use a %) and recognise when you are near the end of your reserves. When you feel like you are below 10-15% don’t do things that will provoke bad behaviour in DS like bath/washing hair/ long bedtimes. Take the easier path and stop pushing yourself to be a ‘perfect’.
I’m sure many will disagree but I think parenting is a mass of many moments and as long as the majority are on the positive/supportive side then losing your temper occasionally is to be expected and teaches kids about boundaries.
School will be hard if DS has not learned that people (children and adults) will react negatively sometimes.

Years ago I remember losing it with my youngest. I’d never ever lost my temper with my older two.. My neighbour came to check if everything was ok (out of concern, not being nosey).the most important thing was that I acknowledged it and said sorry. I didn’t try to minimise anything. I took responsibility for everything I screamed and shouted. I stayed abd hugged him for as long as he (we both!) needed.
i hope you’re ok, OP.

He will not remember this. Promise. If its one of two or three isolated incidents over his whole childhood!

Weve all been there, you probably both learnt from this moment, especially if youve apologised loads and discussed it.

Please dont worry.

(Haven't read through the yhread but please ignore anyone posting to make you feel bad, every one of us has lost it at some point)

You've never once lost your temper and shouted? Not once? Even when they were being horrid? Are you a single parent? Are you actually Mary Poppins?

You will both be ok 💐

i can tell what a loving mother you are. You clearly tell him and show him all the time how much you love him. He knows in his bones you love him. You were pushed to breaking point. He will be fine. Make yourself a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits, have a quick hot shower and into PJs then watch your favourite comfort tv for an hour. In the morning have a big cuddle and if you can, so something lovely with him that resets you both. You don’t deserve to be beating yourself up, you are doing your absolute best.

Your son wasn’t behaving very well - you shouted. Ok your choice of words was not ideal. At all. BUT. I personally think losing your marbles when someone deliberately behaves badly / treats you badly - is completely normal. You are allowed to shout when he behaves badly. It doesn’t make you a shit mother - quite the opposite. Children needs boundaries and clear ones. At four he is old enough to know that hitting and splashing are not acceptable and he is not allowed to do that without consequences. Tonight he saw some consequences and hopefully he will remember next time that it is not acceptable behaviour and that he should make some effort to make life easy for you and listen to you during bath time.

Make it very clear you do not hate him. Tell him you boiled over because you try so hard to be kind. it’s actually better to not try so hard so he can see where the boundaries are.
Next time shout a little bit earlier, before you boil up into a complete rage. You’re allowed to be cross at crappy behaviour!!! From the very first splash / bite / hit etc. If he wants kindness only, he’ll have to learn to be only kind to you! Don’t let him learn he can be badly behaved and you’ll still be nice. That won’t help him in life.
big hug to you xxxx

Oh get a grip. We are human and we make mistakes. Every single parent in the planet has lost their shit at some point.

I think this is true. But he might remember it and think about it later as he grows older so that's something you need to be ready for.

Has he ever said "I hate you" to you when he was at the end of his tether? If he has, I would remind him of it and say that you knew he didn't hate you and that he said it because he was very sad and angry and didn't know what to do, and explain that that was how you were feeling last night.

Don't beat yourself up. I was playing a game with my children tonight and I got cross because I thought they were trying to sabotage me and like a toddler I refused to play! We all do things when we are tired and at the end of our tethers. We are human. You said sorry and explained. Forgive yourself.