How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

just to add my mum would lose her temper a lot but because she never apologised or explained (just ignored it) I think it did far more damage. The lesson you’re showing is even mummy makes mistakes (occasionally) and it’s v important we own our mistakes and put them right. Make a point of telling him how much you love him over next few days and if he does bring it up just do the explaining, apologising etc again so he knows it was a one off mistake.

My mum was a single (widowed) mother, we have an incredibly close bond and she is the kindest person ever….but even she reached her limit once or twice when I was younger! She once infamously tipped a glass of water over me when I wouldn’t stop crying and coming downstairs because I couldn’t get to sleep. It sounds terrible but please trust me that we actually laugh about it these days ! As a parent myself now I sympathise even more that she was just at her limit, and more importantly was dealing with everything on her own. Being a single parent is so hard sometimes no matter what the reasons, you can’t just tap out when things get rough.

Love a bit of sanctimony on a Tuesday evening.

It won’t stay with him because children under five don’t remember things unless they’re reminded of them regularly: that's how small children’s memory formation works.

And I don’t see why you’d want to remind the child of that particular incident - that would be pointless and likely counterproductive. And I’m sure there are less emotionally charged examples that she could use if she needs one.

But FWIW saying “Once I lost my temper with you” doesn’t sound like your previous suggestion which was to bring it up every few years, in which case “Once…” wouldn’t be needed - it would be “Remember that time when…”

Wow. Well then you officially win the parent Lifetime achievement award.

I don't understand why you shouted that you hate him.

I've certainly lost my temper with my children and shouted at them, but it's always been along the lines of 'stop doing x' or 'how dare you do x'. It's never once entered my head to tell my children that I hate them.

I think it could definitely be something that causes long term insecurities in your child. You've basically told him that you don't love him. It's actually even worse than that because you actively hate him. When you say something like that to a child, it's something that's going to be harmful.

I just don't get it.

OP give yourself a break. Being a parent is hard - even harder when youre doing it alone.

You are not the first and wont be the last.

You apologised and know it was wrong. The fact youre even here writing this shows you are a great mum.

Its a hard age. DS is 3.5 so I feel you. When things get too much for me I take myself off to the bathroom and just have a moment (usually scream into my hands!) and come back.

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we were perfect and able to deal with everything all of the time.
But we arent. We are mearly humans doing our best at the hardest job in the world.

Get yourself to bed ( not sleeping will make this even worse) get up tomorrow make him a nice breakfast and plan some time together just you and him playing something he likes.

(((HUG)))

You know it was a horrible thing to say, you've apologised, you've told him it was wrong & that you love him.

i bet he's fast asleep, whilst you're fretting.

I'm 57, my Mum still worries & feels bad about something she did when I was 4. I have NO recollection of it 💁🏻‍♀️. Apparently it made me cry at the time & say I wanted my Nana.

id just see what he's like tomorrow, try to fit in lots of 'my best boy' type comments & spend time cuddling/reading/okayung, without being too OTT/obvious.

stop beating yourself up, he was playing up
& needed telling off- just use different words next time 🤗

The main thing is you apologised and told him it wasn’t true. You lost your temper and said stuff you didn’t mean. If you just went silent and didn’t explain and put it right it would be awful, but you did so I think let it go now as you’ve done best you can and it won’t help him to revisit it.

Ah you poor thing.
parenting is so tough sometimes, especially at the end of the day.

I would absolutely talk to him about it tomorrow morning and just let him know you didn’t mean what you said, you got cross and fussy when you were tired and that you love him very much. Thankfully their memories don’t solidify for another while yet 🤣.
you’re doing a great job

OP you did the right thing in the end. You apologised and explained what caused you to say those things- that you did not mean.

Give yourself a break. I can't imagine how hard it is being a single mum. You've learned a lesson.

If I were you, I would be extra nice to your DS over the next few days - give him your time, play with him, cook his favourite dinner etc.

There are some lovely prints on etsy that say things like 'you are so loved'. You could hang it next to his bed so he sees it when he goes to sleep. Or make him a print or just write it down somewhere he can see. I know mumsnet will deem that as OTT but I, like you, would want to do everything to reassure him.

The consequences of being naughty should never be your mum telling you she hates you.

I'm reassured by the comments I've read (not got time to read all) but disappointed for you about the voting statistics. I don't think those numbers reflect what your impact on him will be. I was hoping to see 90%+ supporting you. Try not to beat yourself up. He might actually take from this that spitting and splashing etc made you feel really rubbish. You are right to immediately undo the I hate you message but it may be a good lesson for him to know how his behaviour made you feel. I'd not bring that incident up unless he does and going forward take all reasonable opportunities to say things like that was nice of you/I'm so proud of you - but only when believable, so the praise maintains it's value and impact. I hope you sleep well.

Actions have consequences and hopefully he'll realise that now 🙂

We've all lost it at some point. Don't worry ❤️

It is not your finest moment but he was behaving very badly, aggressive and angry. SN or not boys need a firm grip when they’re lashing out even at 4.
Apologise move on and ask him for an apology too, even if hair washing is a big deal. Use a sponge.

Children that age don't remember things UNLESS they're reminded of it repeatedly

This isn't true. Myy father said something equally cruel to me age 4 and I've never forgotten it. I'm sure he forgot it almost instantly because he was in a bad temper and didn't mean it but I remember it precisely because it was so hurtful and unexpected.

That said, the relationship between myself and my father was never particularly good so it likely had more effect on me than my mother saying the same thing would have as she proved she loved me every day.

I did this on occasion with my daughter. I can’t even repeat something I once said to her for the shame. She is now a well adjusted adult and we are very close. It did her no harm whatsoever. I do think the apology is important - which you have done - it doesn’t do a child any harm to know that we all have our limits.

I think you should crawl into bed with him for the night. Your actions (of sleeping with him) will make him feel safer and loved even if your words didn’t say so, even though you didn’t mean it. I’m sure he’ll be fine but you need to sit down and have an honest conversation tomorrow with him

You haven’t damaged him. You lost the plot for a few minutes or less than that. Mums deal with things all the time I was a single parent & you do see red on occasion. You said sorry you will worry about it more than he will. Maybe a chat tomorrow to say you were very tired & got cross. It’s the behaviour you hated not him most Mums have gone through something similar I’m guessing. Don’t beat yourself up it was a moment not a huge thing.

Losing your temper and shouting, is one thing, and is a thing most parents have done at one time or another. But to say, 'i hate you', over and over to your little boy when he is distressed and begging you to stop, is something else. This is not at all normal. I say this , not flippantly, but very seriously, you need help.

Op, a terrible mum would've defending this.
beating yourself up about it won't help.
youre right, this may impact your son as he is learning new things all the time. He has learned that there are times that his mum can get overwhelmed and hurt his feelings. He has also learned that his mum apologises and tries to make things right. Tomorrow have a chat with him - look up Dani's Siegel 'flipping your lid' and say it can happen to mum's too. tell him you don't want that tl happen again and in no way is it his fault or responsibility. Tell him it's your responsibility so you are going to do things like breathing exercises etc.
he probably will be scared that his mum can 'lose it' now because he's seen you can, make sure he knows it's not his responsibility to avoid that but yours.
itll be ok, your response now is what matters. The way you're feeling now shows you're not a bad mum you're an overwhelmed mum

I agree that repeated apologies are not the way to go here. It’s not your son’s job to make you feel better about what happened and this is what over-apologising would make it. I would mention the incident once more tomorrow and apologise again very clearly, and then leave it and instead focus on being loving with him,

I would also think hard about what led to what happened and how you can avoid it happening again- ways to reduce your stress and tiredness or other parenting strategies when he is misbehaving. Some time to yourself would probably help if there is a way you could get some childcare for a few hours a week. If it feels a bigger thing than that I’d mention it to your GP.

Agree with PP who said that this doesn’t sound like an ordinary, “we’ve all been there”
kind of event. But equally it doesn’t follow that you have permanently harmed your son. The key is how you act from now on.

The Philippa Perry book (the book you wish your parents had read…) is very good on how certain behaviour in our children can trigger rage, and how it usually reflects whatever behaviour it was in you that also triggered your parents into a rageful overreaction. Some awareness of what these triggers are for you might help.

I really don’t see what’s wrong in saying once I lost my temper when you were in the bath or whatever when talking about emotional regulation, which is one of those things that comes up a lot when we are raising our children,

I find it quite staggering how sure so many people are on here that this won’t stay with him. But also there is no accounting for other peoples parenting standards and I can’t be arsed to argue about it.

This - it's one thing losing it at your child but to say you hate them? I'm sorry but that is deeply cruel. I suspect there's much more to this story - this woman clearly needs help.

Some things can't be unsaid. I don't believe that finding out your parents have limits is damaging to a child but having your mother repeatedly screaming that she hates you when you're 4, that's bad.

If the rest of your relationship is good it won't necessarily do him any lasting damage but I doubt he'll ever forget it. All you can do now is try to mend the relationship.