How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

Wtaf am I reading? Poor little lad.

There is no damage for a one-off at 4. He won't remember it.

But I think you need to understand what pushed you to say this. You sound exhausted!
I've lost my calm many times with my kids like many parents, and sometimes shouted at them and obviously regretted it. But even in those circumstances I have never told them I hated them.

It feels like there is more to it.

Maternal rage is a thing, it's awful. You will think about it forever and there is no way to make it feel better. I don't know why it happens, but because people are ashamed, it's not talked about and there are not many solutions online. You are a single parent which makes it harder. My two year Olds tantrums would trigger me and I don't even know why. He stopped having them fairly quickly and I almost want him to start again so I can handle them better this time. It's just a rage deep down that you couldn't control. I don't know if he will remember or if it damaged him, no one does. But I don't think the meaning of the words would have resonated as he is only young, more the tone. Just be extra nice to him now. It's all you can do.

Op the number of times that I hear people have lost it with their four year olds!

People keep saying it’s the terrible twos that is challenging but imho four is a lot harder. They are often starting to realise their own power and testing boundaries at this age.

In any other situation you can walk away but you couldn’t leave him in the bath so that’s why your response was probably so charged. That and it being the end of the day and the Easter holidays.

You are a good mother who made a mistake. My dc have left home now and on average I think I lost it four times with each child throughout their lives, in ofher words I shouted or didn’t respond in a way I felt particularly proud of. They still love me and I have a good relationship with them because I apologised each time.

On one occasion, I distinctly remember one of my children who was about six or seven deliberately tipped their plate of home made spaghetti bolognese upside down on the table in protest about something and I felt so tired and dispirited in that moment that I burst in to tears and shouted that they were evil!To this day I have no idea where that word came from because I never use it normally and I don’t even think in those terms but I know I apologised that night and made it clear that it was his behaviour I didn’t like, not him.

Happily, parenting is a marathon! It’s the overall performance that counts not the occasional sticky moment.

Just take it as a sign to get some support if you can help it and a baby-sitter once a week maybe on a weekend morning. You do need time to decompress. Doing it all on your own is hard. I used to ignore everyone who said “happy mum, happy child” but it is honestly so true. I came to realise this in the teenage years when I got very low. So heed the warning that you gave yourself op, that you need to give yourself a break, literally and metaphorically! 💐

I suspect the best thing you can do is stop brooding about it and never mentioning it again unless the child brings it up first - probably unlikely.

You need some support - of all the things to say I think you need to explore with a MH professional why those words.

Hopefully he’ll just take it in his stride,especially if you’re normally calm and treat him with respect.
kids play up, and sometimes if we’ve had a bad day it’s too much for us and we lose it just like they can. We’re all still learning,remember that.
wealways try to do our best but we’re not always at our best.

I think most of us have been there. You were unprepared for such extreme behaviour on his part. The important thing is to come up with a plan for what to say and do the next time.

Like PP, I have also experienced
occasions when I have let myself down but overall have been great and I think my kids know and appreciate that. Look at the big picture.

Honestly if any of my kids had ever spat at me I probably would have absolutely lost my shit too. Obviously you know your reaction wasn't ideal but you are a human being who was being battered and spat at, you're not a robot.

You are a tired mum doing it all & it was one moment.

you are completely beating yourself up & habe probably damaged yourself more than your kid.

have another chat with him tomorrow. Given what he said, I think he was sorry for upsetting you so much.

what you don’t want is for this to happen again, can you change the routine slightly so you aren’t caught so frazzled. Is there any way you can get a bit of r&r time. Remember you are doing solo what is usually done by two parents, you have double the load

Been there. Also a moment I still cringe about. I also apologised and we talked about their behaviour too. Not my finest moment but the kids were fine.

Cover it up as hating the sin not the sinner. Tell him you meant that you hated how he was behaving, not him, you love him. 🫣 I don’t usually recommend gaslighting a child but on this occasion I would.
In future say I don’t like your bad behaviour.

Ah OP cut yourself some slack. Sounds like you were pushed to your absolute limit. You apologised, you hugged him, you reassured him, you told him you love him, so you did all the right things afterwards. It might be worth having a chat with him tomorrow to say sometimes adults make mistakes and sometimes they say things that aren’t true. But please stop beating yourself up, you won’t have done him any lasting harm.

My daughter is almost the same age, she almost certainly wouldn’t understand hate, but she definitely understands sorry and tired. Don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all had our moments and I’m sure you’re a lovely mum!

I have been there. Dont be hard on yourself. I am sure you are trying your best. Don’t keep bringing it up again. I’m sure if he didn’t spit/ lash out, you wouldn’t have done this.

Kids need to learn you can push adults too far. You taught him a valuable lesson.

Single parenthood is hard, especially when they are that age. He will know you love him because actions speak louder than words, and your actions show you are there for him. You apologized and have taught him that a heart felt apology is an important part of love. Do something fun, tomorrow is another day.

OP you’re a human being !!! Do tell him tomorrow how frustrated you were , and how sorry you are for what you said though…. You do have to apologise and he needs to understand you’re not a robot

<hope MN has enough trophies around for all those parents of the years awards > 🙄

Your son will be fine by you need more rest OP. Those sudden, out of character outbursts of anger are usually a sign of stress and exhaustion.

You were wrong to react like that, but show me a Mom who hasn't blown their top at one time or another? You Apologised, explained why you said what you did and he will have accepted that. Over the next few days, be extra loving and give lots of cuddles so he feels loved. He won't hold it against you I'm sure
😘

My mum, in a highly stressed moment (she was a single parent with A LOT going on) said a horrible thing to me and slapped me round the face, when I was being difficult. Every other interaction with my mum was overwhelmingly loving and supportive and although I haven’t forgotten it, it also had no bearing on my overall relationship with her. I think it’s the ‘scaffolding’ of the relationship that counts and one or two times it wobbles wont matter overall. 💐

He won't have any real concept of what hate is. You have apologised for shouting and being unkind and your little boy will take that at face value. He won't think you hate him. If it's not a pattern of repeated behaviour from you, he will move on from it. If somehow he does remember it, then you can apologise again and keep communicating with him. I imagine you've got constant nausea and you will probably always feel guilty about it and that's what should prevent it from happening again. I think we've all reacted to our children in a way we wish we hadn't.

Every time you see a perfect parent who is always prepared, and perfect, and insta ready, and making it all look like a breeze. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

It is a fucking jungle. We are all just trying to survive.

You are fine. Your son is fine. Don’t punish yourself. It’s hard enough as it is .

OP I can see some posters are really loving putting the boot in, and I hate the thought that you might be somewhere having some really poor mental health over this.

You are the most important person in your child’s life and they need you well. That’s the biggest gift you can give them. Mummy happy and healthy and functioning! Even the people on here that think they are perfect will be fucking their kids up in a whole other way, they just don’t know it yet. Parents will always screw up along the way and often you won’t find out until the kids are adults, and they’ll spin an absolutely ‘nothing event’ round to make you look like the villain and nothing will change their account of it.

Life will chuck adverse childhood events at your children, and whilst you can actively insulate them from much of it, the unexpected stuff like bereavements, illness, even pandemics are out of our control. We are all on a parenting journey and you hit a pothole. Forgive yourself. Mitigate against it happening again by looking after yourself, and if you really feel like you need to do something proactive to help yourself further think about an online parenting course. I’ve done a few and they were useful. They are usually available through your local family support worker.

A wise person once reassured me that one isolated incident will do no lasting harm if repair is made; it’s repeated patterns of incidents with no repair that cause damage.

You will have scared him and made him sad in the moment, but you very quickly repaired, and did it really well! As long as it doesn’t happen again - you will know to remove yourself sooner next time - and you reinforce your unconditional love for him often, all will be well.

I’d be inclined to draw him a little picture of you both together and put a reassuring message in that he can keep eg “you are my favourite person” or “mummy loves you forever”…