To think that I am just a nuisance to my children

Why does he ask you not to go and see him?

I'm sorry for your pain and hope you get better

What effect did you hope to achieve by this post? This is your story and has no connection to the OP. Did you intend to upset her further? I am sorry that you experienced abuse but there’s nothing helpful in this post.

How does that relate to the OP? Nothing suggests she's been an abusive parent.

Have you considered regular exercise and or joining a council gym.
Also worth considering if you could provide regular childcare eg. After school mon and wed or whatever...

Both would likely have positive impact on your mental health...

I'm not sure this is what you want to hear, OP, but you have asked.
I have one (elderly, formerly abusive) parent left in another country. I have no idea if they have a chronic illness, however, I visit them once in five years. They are well off.
I'll be very relieved when they finally disappear,
I take my inheritance (as a 47 yo only offspring) and have some peace of mind (and possibly restart my own life, if they don't happen to outlive myself).

Can I suggest OP that you go to AlAnon. Although you are no longer living with them your life has been affected by two alcoholics. You would get help to build a life for yourself and it would help your current relationships. You are doing your best. Well done for working in the charity shop. Keep up with looking after your grandchild as often as you can cope with. I agree with the person who said to find anything that you enjoy and do more of it. I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed, you have had a hard time but you have broken free ( braver than you acknowledge) and now you need to build up your own life which includes your children but doesn’t depend on them.

I agree with the pp who said do you invite your kids to anything? Would you host Christmas at yours and have them all over? Do you invite your dd out for lunch or coffee?

I think it sounds like you’ve had a very difficult set of circumstances to date and that a disability has naturally exacerbated this. I think that there is an inevitability that some of this would have an impact on your children over the years. That isn’t your fault, it would be impossible to avoid it. You can be a great mother, struggle with your own lifelong illnesses and still mourn the impact that this may or may not have had on them.
I think the important thing you need to remember is that your children will also have genetically have predispositions to these type of illnesses, but they are adults and will navigate it also.
It sounds like you show up and are supportive in all the ways that you are able to be. Probably like your son currently is. I’ve not suffered depression, but from those I’ve met that do have it, it’s not a linear experience. Mental health isn’t what we are sold on ‘mental health awareness week’..it’s ugly, it’s loud, it’s avoiding relationships sometimes, it’s angry and unreasonable sometimes…I would just keep reaching out when you can, so he knows you are always a supportive option.
I think it can easier sometimes to get stuck in the past and analysing in depth the potential rights, wrongs and impacts. I don’t think any of that is serving any of you. It’s an endless and intense place to take yourself and it sounds like you are beating yourself up about every single thing.
Life is beautiful but very complicated. The issues that I have with my parents, I accept that they are people too, I have the relationship that I can have with them. If their behaviours are damaging to me or bringing me down, I do tend to take a step back.

Also, but I’m finding as my parents get older it is more draining to see and speak to them because they don’t hold back with worries about money and retirement but if I ever share something burdening me it really stresses them out. So I don’t share the negative stuff and as a result I absorb all of theirs if that makes sense.

I love them and they are always included in the big celebrations but I have to psych myself up for the weekly phone call (they live hours away) because I have my own stuff going on! Full time work, kid stuff etc. Frankly I wish they’d hold back a bit as they don’t want my advice anyway.

Just a thought.

To me it sounds like you are doing your best, and I think it’s sad neither of your children include you in big gatherings like Christmas and Easter.

But you can only do what you can do. Keep being interested and also keep actively managing your friendships. Take care xo

Op you are very focussed on your depression, which is entirely understandable.

So perhaps you can appreciate that your son, who is also suffering from depression (along with financial difficulties) will be feeing the same way.

You survived a dysfunctional childhood then married an alcoholic but now you are free. Your mum and your ex drained your happiness from you like vampires and this is your time to recharge and find your inner peace. The inner dialogue in your brain telling you you’re a burden and worthless is just echoes from your past from those who wanted to crush your spirit. You are a survivor and stronger than you think.

Just because your adult children have their own lives and are busy it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they do.

Your thoughts of being a burden and them being better off if you died are definitely the types of thoughts that you have when you are depressed. Have you had suicidal thoughts?

I can very much relate because I've had the thoughts of everyone being better off without me when in a serious depression.

Have you asked for a different medication or a referral to a psychiatrist who has more expertise in meds than a GP?

I probably have a similar relationship to my mum as you describe. I moved 200+ miles away and visit a few times/ year. I try to be a good daughter, send her gifts, texts, and take her out to nice places.
However if I’m totally honest I struggle with the way she fusses and with her anxiety. To the point where I keep most or my troubles from her because she gets in such a flap I then have to worry about her anxiety on top of my problems. I love her but I found it hard to respect her when I was a teen.
she does have a full and active social life which I’m relieved about. It takes the pressure off me a little bit- I’d suggest you do the same.

Yes if you want to be an utter doormat do this. Alternatively, value yourself and your time a bit more, and centre yourself and your friends a bit more in your life.

May I say something? I happen to believe that female friendships are very important in later life. They heal us.

Am glad you have some. Put more effort into them, learn a new skill, travel ( if you can), make your own joy. All any of us can do.

Do you invite them to do things with you? At Christmas etc, do you invite them to yours/make plans together? I only ask because my dad never invites me to anything, arranges anything etc, just rocks up at my house when it suits him with no notice and expects to be entertained. He had little interest in me as a child, so I feel no obligation to be interested in him now he’s older and is trying to line me up as his carer.

i think you’ve sort of answered your own questions really, your kids had (from the sounds of it) an alcoholic father and a depressed mother.

I imagine that will have had a big impact on their emotional development.

You can be kind to yourself now though, focus on being the best grandparent, spending time with your friends, find new hobbies.

I think you have to be empathetic to your kids, I am sure they love you very much but there will also be other complicated emotions that stem from childhood.

My mums in her 60s. I couldn’t have her round if she was chronically depressed. She would drain the life out of me. No thank you.

She had a tough life my mum did and her own mum with mental illness, she wouldn’t want to burden me. She was in care etc etc but she isn’t chronically depressed. She did some inner work. You’re not as powerless as you think. You could make an effort to get better. Being around someone who is always depressed when you’re busy working with your own family is awful.

I would prioritise my own nuclear family if you were my mum. I would keep my boundaries.

Hmm, tricky.

What was their childhood like? What was the impact on them of yours/your DHs issues?

I love my mum. She’s a good person. However my childhood was very difficult due to her mental health issues. As a child and teen I largely disconnected from her emotionally to protect myself. I was very much parentified from a young age.

I didn’t want to be her parent. I don’t now want to be responsible for her as an adult. I care about her, and check in with her. But I keep my life very separate from her. I’ve learned from counselling that I never felt safe or secure as a child, and now I’ve built a safe happy life for myself as an adult I find it very difficult to let her in.

I still chat to her on WhatsApp all the time, but it’s quite surface level. I love her and care about her, but it’s not possible for me to feel close to her. She would very much describe herself as a burden to me and can be very self pitying.

Id be more inclined to involve her in my life if I saw her actively taking steps to improve her own mental health and behaviour, but she doesn’t want to do that.

Sympathies 💐 OP.

Depression’s awful, and of course your reaction will be to want people who cheer you up. Sensible.

But they don’t have to be your children - anyway, sounds like they’re too busy keeping the show on the road in hard times. A lot of us are.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. This is annoying advice and the last thing you feel like, but try (forcing yourself) to do self care.

Go for a daily walk, do a course online, get a cat. 🐈‍⬛ You will feel so much better. Depression happens to the best of us, but we do know what helps.