AIBU to stop arguing over my hardworking teen's permanently messy room?

I think it shows a complete lack of respect to your belongings, usually bought by parents, clothes just thrown on the floor, make up discarded and books . We grew up relatively poor so we were incredibly grateful for everything we had. Everything had a place to live and it was returned to that place when it was finished with.

From a young age mine did a daily tidy of their room with me standing over them making sure it was done. They were not allowed to just throw things on the floor and basically stick two fingers up at us for providing everything they had. Chores in this house were non-negotiable and therefore they were never paid to do them. They have a worn it drawer in their wardrobe which houses anything they have worn which isn't dirty. It is fully emptied every half term and they still do this despite being 23 and 20 years old. They do their own laundry on set days decided by them, they strip their beds on set days too.

As young men their rooms are clean and tidy as is their bathroom, towels on the heated towel rail never on the floor, the shower has all the water removed with a glass vac by them. Dh and I have our own bathroom. They despair at sharing their kitchen space when at uni because of how disgusting other people can be.

I know it sounds militant but it really isn't, it is just habits formed like brushing their teeth or showering every day. Tidying is just part of that. If it is tidied every day then it stays tidy. 10 minutes tidying every day saves you 1 hour on a Sunday if you then have to blitz it. I would rather do the 10 minutes a day.

I wouldn’t make this a battle - I’d ask her nicely to make sure it’s tidied once per week. Does she never have friends round? I’m surprised she is not a bit embarrassed 🙈

So lots of easy storage space….i.e.if she puts her make up on whilst sitting on the floor get some storage that fits there and is easy to use. Don’t make her make up storage be in a drawer across the room.

At 16 with her own income she can sort out her own makeup storage, surely? OP isn't 'making' it be anywhere.

I would leave her to it. Insist on the door being closed, window open for air circulation regularly, no food, drink, plates,cups etc to be in there and all rubbish to be brought out night before bin collection. This is what I’ve done with mine and they’ve come out the other side, actively tidy and keep tidy their rooms. Best to pick your battles.

Leave them to it, it’s a stage like all the others

I agree with this, it’s easy to have a good relationship if you’re not saying anything challenging to her. There’s a basic level of tidiness I look for in my two messy teens, no food waste, dirty cups and clothes brought down and no rubbish lying around, carpets hoovered. It sounds like she’s doing that already.

If the mess is books and clothes and tech I don’t worry too much. I do draw the line at make up on the floor because it spills and stains carpets and bedding, but a storage box on the floor stops that.

If she’s otherwise doing well (and it sounds like she is) I’d leave her be. It’s not her fault her room is more public, visitors can avert their eyes - hopefully they have enough about them to understand it’s your DDs space and teens can be messy. But, you need to be able to have difficult conversations with her without it disrupting the house or impacting your relationship with her, especially as she moves into adulthood.

I would leave her to it. She sounds like a good kid - this isn't the worst thing she could be doing (by a long way!).

Once ours were 14 or so, we let them have their rooms in whatever state they wanted. If they wanted a mess, it was their choice. And I never went in there.

They both laundered their bed linen weekly so I wasn’t worried about that. They never ate in their rooms, but would amass every water glass in the house before taking them to the dishwasher.

Shut the door.

Don't go in and do took.

She's bringing out the dishes and doing her washing, changing her bed I can't see the issue What does it matter if her clothes are in the floor.

I say this as a mum of DD 16 and DS 19. I shut their doors. It's their room. If they want to live in a hovel that's their choice.

Choose your battles. Keep the door closed and you won't see the mess. When dd was a teenager, her room was awful with clothes everywhere, makeup etc. My stipulation was, she couldn't have friends round if her room was a mess. I would shout to both children, "washing out" and only wash what was given. The same applied with dishes. Otherwise I didn't set foot in either room. I would like to say she changed as she got older. She hasn't! Ds was probably worse. He did improve. As long as I didn't have to see it, we didn't fall out

I have a messy teenage ds and a messy 20yo dd who comes home from uni during the holidays. I was a messy teen myself. I occasionally tell them they should clear up a bit, but I don't make much of a big deal about it. It doesn't really impact on me.

I wouldn't argue about it. It is just the least important thing when dealing with teens. Offer to help blitz it, ask for food not to be taken in and keep the door closed.

I’d draw a distinction between stuff on the floor that is just objects - and stuff that would smell and breed bacteria. So if she’s not hoarding dirty dishes and food scraps, but it’s just clothes and book, I’d suggest a clear up every so often and offer to help. If it was dirty and a health hazard then all hell would break loose here.

Pick our battles. My dd was shockingly untidy, she now has her own place and amazingly it's spotless!

My son's room is like this. I ask him to take out food and plates/cups etc, put rubbish in the bin, and every now and then sort his clothes out as it makes it difficult for us when it comes to finding things like school uniform. And also when it starts to smell. Its terrible really!! I keep it to fairly neutral sounding requests rather than shouting. So basically its when its affecting the rest of the house or is too unhygienic.
My late mum used to say its important for kids to have their own space. But then I was quite tidy!!
I've accepted we have different views on what makes a nice bedroom that's pleasant to spend time in, but I do try and get him to think about hygiene and organisation.

Its her room, leave it to her...especially as she brings dirty stuff down.
She sounds like a well rounded girl.

I would just ask her to keep the door closed if people walk past it. There are more important things in life for teenagers than tidying their bedrooms.

I don't allow food in bedrooms at all but clothes, makeup, shoes over the floor etc or whatever else is mess doesn't bother me. If they can't find stuff they can tidy up. Happy to provide storage solutions. Not happy to be asked to wash things at very short notice as they have been lurking on the floor. (And no, in this house people do not do their own laundry, it's less efficient).

I was that messy teen and my mum left me to it! As long as no food waste was left around and plates and cups were taken to the kitchen regularly and I kept communal parts of the house tidy. She had the occasional moan but mostly left me alone! I’m much tidier now however I do actually find being overly tidy quite stressful!!

glasses and mugs come down every few days. No food in bedrooms that needs a plate. Laundry basket and all dirty clothes go in it and each gets a wash day where they do their own laundry. This is basic and if it creates a row so be it. They can be untidy but not dirty is my rule.

Do you pay for her phone bill, if so I'd be saying your room needs to be kept tidy or the phone gets disconnected. Being tidy shouldn't need to disrupt anything

I have this exact dilemma. I let the saintly cleaner go in once a week and Hoover/remove rubbish, I otherwise leave it. She’ll grow out of it and life’s too short. I’m just grateful she’s excellent in all other ways.

Your relationship is really not as strong as you think if it would suffer because you're telling your kid to tidy her bedroom!