AIBU to stop arguing over my hardworking teen's permanently messy room?

I don't think you 'need' to have a tidy bedroom as an adult if you're the only person using it. Though ideally kitchen and bathrooms need to be clean for hygiene purposes!

I go with leaving messy alone as long as there aren't hygiene issues. I agree that tidying can be overwhelming so better storage is a good idea. For myself I have learnt the hard way that getting the right storage is essential otherwise you'll be even more frustrated that you've spent money and effort and it's still all a mess on the floor. It might be as simple as lots of open baskets she can dump stuff in rather than cupboards. At least it will all be in one place even if it is a jumble and when she needs to do a quick tidy up it can just be scooped up off the floor 🤣

Got to agree with that.

^^ same here! As teenagers mine lived in shockingly grotesque bedroom conditions. I would tackle their rooms every couple of weeks and they would be so grateful. It was like they just couldn't get their heads around it.

They're adults now and I'm stunned by how tidy they are.

I think the storage idea is a really good one - and if you can, offer time to help her sort and organise. Maybe that's too soft of me, but if she ends up with a nicer room that's a benefit for you as well. Otherwise, what about insisting she opens the windows once a day and keeps the door shut? Keeps the room aired out and saves everyone else looking at it.

It might also be worth talking to her and finding out if she cares. Sometimes it's helpful to be "made" to do things we don't want to do but want to be done! I know I still find it a lot easier to clear a room out if I get a friend to come and help me.

I had two very untidy teenagers but they were great kids, polite, hard workers and straight As. I didn't like it but thought there are worse things than being untidy. Perhaps have a quiet word about dirty plates, cups etc being a health hazard and keeping her door shut!

She sounds like a good kid on the whole, so I'd say pick your battles. A bit of nagging/chivvying here and there is reasonable, but I think this is just how a lot of teenagers are with their rooms and it's less important than the kind of person they are in general. IMO anyway, but I've never been someone who puts housework at the centre of everything, life's too short.

I think that by adulthood, you have to have learned to manage your living space to a decent standard. Then when you become an adult, you have to work AND be able to maintain your home. I don't think it's necessary for children to work. The other things like life skills and education are vital to learn in childhood.

I stopped arguing with my dd about her room. She has ASD and keeping organized is a struggle. Unless her room is causing problems, I keep my mouth shut.

why? Because she is working on other life skills that matter more. She learned to drive. She volunteers many hours a week. She takes an absolutely insane course load. She runs an advocacy group.

if her socks are on the floor I don’t really care anymore. If we run low on dishes, she gets ordered to bring them back and load the dishwasher.

everything I have worried about, she has mastered in her own time. She recently dealt with the consequences of the messy room because she lost something for school. I didn’t rescue her and she knew better than to ask for my help. It took most of her weekend to find. She suffered the consequences of her own choices and learned a better lesson than she ever got when I was yelling at her.

I should add, it’s certainly not the way they’ve been brought up as the rest of my house is immaculate!

Snap. My DCs is a sh*t hole. I don’t go near it, at the end of the day they need to live/sleep in it.

Did you see that the youngest is 14, so not really in the realms of part time work. There’s no reason to think they won’t have the same, good, work ethic.

As she's a good kid, doing her own washing and helping in the home I'd just shut the door.
They don't see the mess like we do.

I remember these battles and i look back and think it would have been so much easier all round if I'd sorted the bits that upset me myself and left them to it.

My 2 are fine now in their own homes.

Pick you battles Op, keep calm and let it go.
Soon they'll be gone and the mess will just be a distant memory.
Xx

I do not understand why people choose this as a battle at all with their kids, but I'm naturally messy. The only thing I insist on is all food and drink related things are brought down and washed up to avoid mould and they do that. My teens share a room so there's a clear path from the door to each side's entrance but that is it. I like to step back and think about what the point is with parenting, to me the purpose of them having their own room space is a place to keep their things that's out of the way of everyone else, their own place to relax and feel safe, their own privacy and where they keep things they feel ownership of. Me telling them to tidy it seems counterproductive to that. Does it really make a difference if things are on the floor or jumbled together in a box rather than organised? It doesn't to me so I don't really see how it does. If it starts to bother them I'm sure they'll sort it out or ask for help-we do declutter together sometimes for fun which helps me manage my natural chaos.

Honestly, she sounds great. Teens are messy. They grow out of it. I wouldn't allow food or drink in there (except water), and I'd insist that they emptied any rubbish bins weekly but just mess on the floor.....choose your battles. It's her lookout if she can't find something she needs because of the mess.

Incidentally if 2 out of 3 have jobs and because of the job they don't get any alllowance (so the job replaces the allowance from you), where is the incentive for the other one to get a job? It doesn't feel fair that one still gets an allowance because they don't have a job. I'd want to treat them all equally (if household finances allowed) and would feel their money from their job at that age is additional reward for their work, on top of their allowance, and for them to use as they wish (with the proviso that if they want extra spending money for holidays with mates or to buy a car, or going out at uni etc then their own money will have to pay for it)

Just shut the door. It's not a battle I would fight.

This is unfair, only one child is being questioned here because her room is visible. They all need telling to stop being so messy and keep their rooms clean

She sounds lovely but messy so on that basis maybe turn it into something that you help her with by tidying together and getting some more effective storage. She won’t change overnight but should gradually get better.

Id also put a self closer on the door so you don’t have to walk past an open door. Surely the window has Bali DS or something if it’s facing the front door?

Release a tame rat into her room. Await her response.

I would take what I could get from her which may be an untidy room but good on all other fronts and perhaps prepared to do the basics like putting dirty dishes outside the door. Otherwise I’d leave the lovely relationship and lovely child be. That is if the enraged feelings can be contained and put into this perspective. Definitely.

You think housework is more important than earning a living? Should adults not go to work unless they have immaculately tidy homes?

Leave her be. You are stressing over things that don’t matter.

My dear old mum had this with 3 boys growing up. She threatened for years to throw everything that was on the floor outside as we all had a rule to clean up on a Sunday night so she could hoover and change the sheets. She finally carried the threat through and they came home to find all their belongings outside on the front lawn. It did work.

I think if they don't leave mess in the rest of the house and bring out washing up etc, then I'd close the door.