AIBU to stop arguing over my hardworking teen's permanently messy room?

I'd reframe this as thinking about what would most help your DC be a functioning member of the household once she leaves home. I live in fear of my kids being the messy/dirty housemate at university!!

Get her involved in household chores: dishwasher, laundry, hoovering, bins etc. Try and build this into her as part of her daily routine now and have her become aware of cleanliness and respect for other household members.

But I couldn't get too worked up about what she does with her private space. It would be more about the common areas.

I used to try to balance my requirements with my son's right to control (to some extent) his personal environment in his later school years. So I would give him a 5 minute warning when the dishwasher was going on, and he had to bring down any plates and cups etc. this would be daily. Then every 2-3 days I would give him a washing warning and he had to bring down his tee shirts/underwear from their piles on the floor. It worked well and he said he preferred to have a good tidy up/empty waste paper bin every 2-3 days rather than daily, and I felt that was good enough to avoid a huge build up.

When school pressure was high in the last couple of years, I would change his sheets, hoover and dust for him. In the holidays, he had to do it plus other hoovering. It worked quite amicably as we each compromised a bit.

Unless it's unhygienic (food etc) or causing damage to the room, I would just leave it? Why does it affect you? Pick your battles. Not sure why it matters how she's doing at school.

They sound great teens. Lots of positives.

As long as there was no food/plates etc I would let this go.. probably with just an odd comment about the mess now and then. Definitely wouldn't punish.

I am a great believer in pick your battles, and this is one I’d let go. Ask her to keep her door shut and make sure there are net curtains or something up so everyone coming in doesn’t get the full effect. Then as long as it’s not a health hazard what state her room in is up to her. She sounds like a great kid. Why focus on the one area where she isn’t so good.

Okay. Truth is, in "our" day, I'd say "she'll learn later". I'm not so sure about the younger generation. My kids are able to keep their home decent relative to their peers, I'm not worried about them in that sense. But they arent as able as me or their dad were at the same age.

I don't think that's all or even mostly a bad thing. I think the balance might have been askew for us. I do have to say I am surprised at how little responsibility and expectation is on some of their peers, though. The cleaner tidies and cleans their bedrooms!

Meh, I'd leave her to it. We are not a strict tidy household here and the kids rooms are theirs to do with what they want - I regularly offer to help them sort their rooms, youngest will accept the offer and we tidy together, middle generally says he isn't bothered. But I do insist on bringing cups and plates down. Eldest is at uni so her room is fairly empty!

I remember being a teen and my mum banging on and on about my room. And then she would tidy it while I was at school but be REALLY grumpy with me that she'd had to do it - when I never asked her to! Or she would threaten to throw away all my stuff (she never did).
It hasn't translated into me being a tidy adult 😂😉

No learning to keep a clean home comes before learning to hold down a job. She's 14. She doesnt need a job. She does need to know basic life skills.

Sorry that is ridiculous in this economy when young people are struggling to get jobs and work experience. Job is much more of a priority than a tidy bedroom.

I’d insist on no food being left in there and I’d close the door.

Just shut the door.

Thats great but keeping your personal space clean and tidy is a more important skill for a child to learn by adulthood. A lot of young people just don't have these skills any more. Encouraging them to work instead of learn what they should be learning as a child doesnt make sense to me. Children don't need to work. Their parents should financially support them.

I wouldn’t sacrifice your relationship over a messy room. Will she allow you to bring down plates etc? She sounds a lovely girl… hard working, both academically and in her job, kind and helpful.
Don’t destroy your relationship by what she will perceive as nagging. If anything suggest in a laughing way that you attack the room together.

Sprinkle a few grains of black rice under her favourite clothes and wait until she finds it. Then calmly tell her it’s mouse poo.

I’d say pick your battles. I was an untidy teen. My mum was on at me about it all the time - and it didn’t get any better because I just wasn’t able to manage it on top of everything else. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or disrespectful, it just felt overwhelming, and nobody ever really sat me down and explained where to start and what exactly needed doing.

(I say that, but for all I know my mum may have tried a billion times to sit me down and explain it all - but by then I was so tired of her constantly having a go about what a lazy slattern I was that I’d zone out
and wait for the sermon to be over.)

Happy ending: I am not the tidiest of adults, by any stretch of the imagination - but once I had control over my own space, and some pride in it, and a rudimentary idea of how to organise things and what needs doing to keep a place tidy, I was more or less all right.

Also, it may be a coincidence, but I have also enjoyed more emotional stability as an adult than my peers at school and uni who were hard working, academic high achievers and scrupulously tidy.

I think it bodes well for your general resilience to have at least one thing you’re a bit shit at.

Moderation in all things, and let teens grow into their abilities, I think.

My dd had a terrible untidy bedroom. No food as our dc never took food upstairs. But a mess: books/ clothes/ art stuff/ makeup up etc. But she was a brilliant student and volunteered in lots of situations as well as a very easy dd to get on with : except for the room! She asked me to please cut her some slack about the mess as she was working so hard for exams etc. Now she has her own home and every time l step inside l am amazed at the tidy spaces and how clean and homely it is. Admittedly she married a very organised tidy man but still somewhere along the way she has changed.
I would actually ban food from the room and ignore everything else. And keep the door closed!

I’m ok with a mess to a degree. Not chaos but normal teen messy. See can you make some steps forward. There is a balance here.

Yeah that's true. I'm not condoning actual filth. But some very organised people at work do have messy homes.

Well my DD is 18 and keeps her room basically tidy she changes her own sheets and stuff and brings washing down but I'm don't think she's ever done a proper deep clean. She's out on Friday and I'm anticipating doing it then !.she will learn DC come to things at different time.

The other DC 13 is brilliant at her room..and regularly does a deep clean

Nope I leave their rooms to them. If they live in a pigsty that’s on them. As it happens my DD (20) is like your eldest. She’s at uni so makes sure she tidies her room and changes her bed so it’s ready when she next comes home. My DS (22), no longer lives at home but can let his room get dirtier, but keeps the rest of his house tidy, and the kitchen is generally pretty clean. Last couple years he lived at home he had a girlfriend so his room was kept reasonably tidy!

Sounds like they’re going great tbh and working hard. And not generally lazy.

I’d ask them to have a proper clear up once a month and give them an allowance top up as a motivation. And I’d tidy up the worst of it myself inbetween so it isn’t unmanageable.
I was a messy teen. Honestly between all the school work, crazy hormones, developmental stuff and general life my mind was chaos. I know I didn’t need my mum nagging about a messy bedroom on top of it all.

All my kids bedrooms are their territory and their business. I cant believe the amount of angst on mumsnet about this issue

You what? PT jobs for teens are not only very hard to get these days, but are incredibly valuable for their development and life! What a stupid take.

I think there is a pint where being untidy becomes being unclean. Things do need a bit of soap and water at some point, regardless of how organised you are.