AIBU WTF To Do Manipulative Mother

DP has a similar situation with his mother. His father has enabled the mother by not confronting her behaviour throughout his childhood. His father is very kind, but also very weak.

DP went NC a few years back and has accepted that it was the best thing to do. He sees his father several times a year. His mother is nearing the end of life and his father's been in tears, asking DP to pay a final visit to her. He has refused. He feels bad for his father, but doesn't see the point visiting a woman who was abusive his whole life. Why should he?

Fuck me, that's awful.

“Their visit this time spanned almost a month,”

That’s a long time, OP, for difficult parents to stay! Your DH is absolutely spot on when he says you won’t be staying at your parents’ house - and I hope you’ll be organising trips that will take you away for a few days at a time so you can catch your breath! Your father’s message to you says nothing about how you might feel about the situation with your DM: it’s all about him - more or less, “make it up with her, there’s a good girl because it would be easier for me.” I do understand that family dynamics can be difficult and that you may have good reasons for not wanting to cut yourself off completely from your family, but I would be keeping a distance, and certainly would not be either hosting them or staying in their house. You need to have your boundaries firmly in place so that they get used to the idea that you can’t be pushed around or guilted into doing things you’re not comfortable with - this will become all the more important as they age.

That message from your father made me so angry on your behalf... happily throwing you to your mother like a bone to a wolf, to gnaw on so she leaves him alone... It shows how sick the dynamic is that he even thinks that's acceptable to say...

I agree with PP, for a start do not EVER do a long trip like that again! And definitely don't stay in their house/on her territory.

However much you love your Dad, I'm afraid he really doesn't have your back... 🤗 He will always put her (and himself) before you, and I hope this is something you can work through...

Your mum is horrible.

Like you your dad is abused by her too. He will also be scared.

Have you ‘Let them’.

I am in a very similar position to you, except I live less than an hour away and my dad has recently died. I thought it was my dad that was emotionally illiterate and that my mum went along with him.
It isn’t, it is her. She really does not like me, is a misogynist and prefers my brother. She hates my success but is also emotionally illiterate.

I limit my contact, I don’t feel guilty, she has made her choices.

(And some MN posters, it can be the woman that is abusive, not the man - stop excusing her behaviour by blaming his).

Honestly, you may as well cut them both off and go completely NC. He has supported your mothers abuse of you and intends to continue this.

Your life will feel so much lighter without them.

Cancel your planned trip for a start.

Hi OP, I have exactly this dynamic with my parents. I was like you until recently, trying to understand or explain the behaviour. Then I realised it isnt complicated - they are just selfish narcissists, definitely very jealous of your success, and not interested in your kids or any conversation that isnt about them and how great they are. It is what it is. If you hold up even a tiny mirror to their behaviour youll get savaged.

My approach was to go v low contact, and to say you know what, I have more self respect than to tolerate this. Its not my problem, I dont need to look for explanations or second guess myself (no more asking why are they like this? Why am i letting it bother me? Am i too sensitive? Etc - stop doing that!).

I'd try to minimise contact OP, seriously, they are just deeply unpleasant people and theyll never change.

Edited to add, I am successful in my career too and they dont like it, I moved abroad and relish the distance, all comms are 100% surface level and our recent once yearly weekly visit almost did me in! So you and I have similarities there. A month visit though, wow, dont ever do that to yourself again! I'm glad your DH is supporting you.

Also just a thought, you might have cptsd from your childhood which is why stress levels are really amped up around your folks (theyll be triggers for it). It can happen quite often with abusive households.

Or maybe she was a monster to begin with but having a husband with no backbone will have made her worse. Horrible pair.

OP you and your family sound lovely. With the geographical distance between you and your parents, it will be easy to reduce contact to a minimum. Never stay in their house and never let them stay again in yours.

I'd guess that his meek, weak, emotionally absent and avoidant personality may have turned your mother into the monster she became.

Your dad has made his bed. Going NC with your mum doesn't have to mean NC with him...unless he chooses that. He's shown you from that text he's chosen your mum, so I wouldn't even look back to be honest.

Have faith in your desire to give your children a good life. No grandparents at all are better than bad ones. Courage!

it would be good if you contact mum sometime soon and don't let this stagnate. If nothing else it would make my life easier

oh fuck off you spineless prat you spectated an entire childhood of abuse. Just fuck off

Better your children are protected from having these grandparents.

You cant make your dad's life easier at the expense of your children. And thats exactly what would eventually happen.

The poster above nailed it when they said an enabler for a parent is also an abuser. Your dad has chucked you under how many buses your whole life to make his easier?

I agree with other posters. You have two abusive parents as your dad enables your mum every time at your expense. He obviously does it for an easy life but it makes him a really shit dad.

You get absolutely no pleasure from phone calls and visits and I'm sure you get anxious every time you need to speak to her or seek her.

If you go no contact, you won't have the constant anxiety about what horrible things your mum will say and do next.

She prefers your waster of a brother. Leave them all to it and concentrate on your own lovely family.

I have one like this … the only thing to do is to emotionally disconnect from them. Mum tries that nonesense with me she just gets “oh ok” or “thanks for letting me know” .. zero emotion.

You can choose to stop letting this affect you, it’s very freeing. You can’t change them, don’t try it, they will never be who you want.

I read your description of your father and I feel nauseous. He is insidiously abusive. Making out he empathises with you when actually he is nothing more than a voyeur to child abuse

Op, as far as your kids losing their grandparents, my dad had a very manipulative, domineering mother also. I wish he had cut her off!

I agree with PP - you have 2 awful parents.

Never ever have them in your home again and keep the relationship confined to superficial phone contact in short infrequent contacts.

Your father has made his choice for his own selfish reasons.

Sorry OP but your dad is equally culpable; he stood back and allowed your mother to abuse you. I’d be cutting contact with both of them.

Your husband needs to step the hell up. You had an abusive childhood and understandably can’t confront your abusive parents. He needs to advocate for you. Hard

So once or twice visits a year and they’re never alone with them … your kids won’t give a fig if they never see them again.