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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so upset by what my aunt said and did when I went to visit

213 replies

Droopydroopingdropped · 07/04/2026 11:15

Hello
I know I am probably being unreasonable and my aunt had every right to say what she said but I feel horrible and just want to get things off my chest
I can't talk about this to anyone in real life as they will think me too shallow
Anyway I visited family abroad after 6 years and the first thing my aunt said when I arrived at her house was "You look so different, oh you've changed so much."
When I visited last I was 50, still having periods and also had met the man I am now married too so I was all giddy and glowy. Six years on and, although still in love, life throws a lot of stress at you etc plus I am post menopausal.
I thought I looked okay but she kept mentioning it, saying oh my hair was so thick before now its thin, I look drawn, I dont look like before.
Just basically making me feel like shit.
She wouldn't cook either so would just eat snacks for herself and then fry me a load of chips
After a few days of this my skin came out in horrible boils
I endured 3 weeks but luckily there were some other relatives who took me out for meals and tried to send food for me because they all know what this aunt is like.
She would ask what I would like to eat but then just make chips
When I came back to the UK I got diagnosed with fatty liver!
I feel traumatised by my experience and I don't want anything more to do with this aunt who seems to be angry that I have had the audacity to age.
I did manage to stay with a cousin for a couple of nights but her husband didnt really like me being there.
I spent so much money for the flights and buying gifts for everyone and bar a few of them they just made me feel awful especially the aunt!
She is my mum's youngest sister, never been married, she lives with her unmarried brother who also has gone a bit weird.
I am researching fillers and plastic surgery, she has given me a complex.

OP posts:
ArduousAndTedious · 07/04/2026 16:42

@Droopydroopingdropped you’ve made me fancy chips now!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2026 16:42

"I lost my biggest cheerleader several years ago and I went to see her sister thinking I would get some love and comfort. I got nothing but abuse and hunger and crap skin."

I feel for you. You were missing your Mum and felt that the relative who kept asking you to stay would give you a bit of that motherly feeling.

So it was a massive let down. To me it sounds like you had a full on three week immersion in the opposite of therapy. You got an undeserved daily verbal and emotional kicking from this person who sounds a bit deranged anyway.
I think you might benefit from seeing someone to talk through your grief about your DM. And also to get this horrible visit out of your system.. so that you can move on with what sounds like a very happy and successful life at home.

On the plus side. You did find some relatives were very kind, so all is not lost., And you don't have to visit this horrible Miss Haversham aunt ever again. She sounds quite jealous of you actually.
You said you are in a happy marriage.
Yes you are going through Menopause but there so many things you can do about that... inc keep taking all the vitamins, exercising, prioritising yourself and your health - you've found out about your liver in time to do something about your issues.

It must have been expensive. But plan a much better holiday with people you love and start saving and looking forward to that. Wishing you all the best.

Allseeingallknowing · 07/04/2026 16:38

JustSawJohnny · 07/04/2026 15:23

You are a very grown adult.

You are more than capable of standing up for yourself and buying/cooking your own meals.

The whining and blaming gets you nowhere but PoorMeesVille.

If ONE VISIT can cause fatty liver then God help everyone who goes on an all inclusive holiday 🙄

If you’re invited to stay with a relative, you don’t expect to be self catering! Offer to help, yes, but OP was treated horribly.

SorryNotSorry00 · 07/04/2026 16:36

I probably would have gone to the supermarket and did a shop, then either stayed up extra late one night or gotten up very early one morning to do my cooking without her knowing and cooked for 2-3 days but that’s just me. Your aunt does sound like one of those people who’s set in their ways but a lot of older people are like that. I would take less notice of her comments and focus more on being responsible and conscious of my food choices in future -I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way.

HalzTangz · 07/04/2026 16:36

YorksMa · 07/04/2026 12:05

Hi OP, I'm sorry you were made to feel this way. I think some responders aren't taking into account that depending on which country you flew to, it may not have been that easy to just come home, nor to just go and get your own food. I also think it's important to remember that things we can easily brush off from strangers or acquaintances, can hurt us deeply when they come from family. Nobody has the power to wound quite like a close family member. Anyway, you've had a rubbish time, spent a load of money, and learnt a big lesson. It sounds like you have a good relationship, and you are now empowered with knowledge about your health. Spend some time nurturing yourself - from your liver to your skincare - and try to put this bad experience behind you. Don't see them again - or if you must - meet them only at social gatherings (such as weddings) where you are in control of what you eat and when you leave. And have some fillers/botox if you really want to - it's not a moral failing! Take care of yourself OP.

I can't think of a single country in which you can not go out and buy food

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/04/2026 16:26

There are places in the UK where you can be many miles from shops and takeaway food outlets! I'm sure there are many more worldwide. If you don't have access to transport you're reliant on your hosts. Of course the OP didn't develop a fatty liver in 3 weeks of fried food but her aunt was rude and inhospitable. If the flights were expensive then the OP probably didn't have money to change them to return early or to move out and stay elsewhere.

Original poster
Droopydroopingdropped · 07/04/2026 16:22

Okay okay
Gosh I shouldn't have mentioned the fatty liver!
I must have been on the cusp but endless days of fried chips pushed me over the threshold which would not have happened if I had been eating normal food
Plus my skin broke out
I feel my aunt is quite misogynistic
After the first week I thought about coming home but then that seemed rude and there were other relatives who seemed happy to see me so why spoil the reunion because of her? So I persevered.
I did have a nice time when I wasn't with her.

Another example if we were going out anywhere and I was ready she would keep telling me to get ready- so passive aggressive!

I told her 3 times that yes I was ready but she would still say it. I don't know what she was expecting me to do!

I am feeling particularly down about it today.
Other times I can just laugh about it and be glad I got out before the bombing started.

If she had been horrible about my appearance but provided meals I wouldn't have minded as much!

Anyway, lesson learned.

My own mother was an angel in comparison and would never ever make disparaging comments about anyone least of all me. I lost my biggest cheerleader several years ago and I went to see her sister thinking I would get some love and comfort. I got nothing but abuse and hunger and crap skin.
Thanks auntie.

OP posts:
ChiliFiend · 07/04/2026 16:19

Droopydroopingdropped · 07/04/2026 13:52

I cant keep explaining why I wasn't allowed in the kitchen or why I didnt come home early
It would have caused a scandal
The point is I stayed and luckily I had other relatives who stepped in and were amazing
The point is I am upset about how I was treated by my aunt who was overly critical about my appearance and then to add insult to injury couldn't even be arsed to cook. This is after telling me for months and months how they were looking forward to me visiting.
I am freelance so can work from anywhere also when we were younger we would go there for six weeks at a time during the summer holidays.
Any other nit picking?
Damn right I wont be going again. I dont even want to speak to that aunt ever again.
I will maintain contact with the nice aunts and cousins who were delightful.

I've lived all over Asia and can picture the scenario you are describing in terms of no easy food options etc (even if you weren't in Asia!). However, I do think you can get yourself out of the cultural mindset of "it will cause a scandal!" If it does, who cares? Why is a scandal worse than you being miserable for three weeks? That sort of attitude is often society's way of making people (and especially women, probably) act against their own interests. I might have had the same approach as you when I was younger, but these days I would have made up a reason to cut my trip short (so my aunt could save face with the relatives) and get the hell out of there.

Bristolandlazy · 07/04/2026 16:07

You wouldn't get fatty liver disease from a holiday, she could possibly see the symptoms of it and that's what she was commenting on.. You see yourself everyday and don't notice the changes. Fatty liver affects your appearance. Unless you can't speak, can't move of your own free will etc then YABU , you could of said I'm trying to avoid fried food, gone to the shops, ordered food etc, hard to believe you were completely at her mercy. I get it she's annoying and hard work but you can advocate for yourself.

TheGander · 07/04/2026 16:05

She sounds awful. I’m going to guess the country is in South Asia and cultural expectations meant you stayed with her and provided gifts to extended family. The gap between the expectations of family closeness and the reality on the ground must have been difficult. You are not BU to be upset by it all.

saraclara · 07/04/2026 15:51

I endured 3 weeks but luckily there were some other relatives who took me out for meals and tried to send food for me because they all know what this aunt is like.
She would ask what I would like to eat but then just make chips
When I came back to the UK I got diagnosed with fatty liver!

I haven't even bothered reading the responses, because this bit is so unreasonable @Droopydroopingdropped . Fatty liver takes years to develop. You are being ridiculously dramatic. If you have fatty liver, it's nothing to do with your aunt and everything to do with you and your food intake over many years.

Mogbiscuit · 07/04/2026 15:34

I would hate someone to say that to me even though I know I have aged a great deal in the last 6 years. The camera and the mirror tell me that loud and clear. Sometimes DH upsets me by staring at photo from 10 years and saying how lovely I look. He doesn't mean to be nasty but I must tell him to stop! Try to ignore your aunt. You have a happy marriage which is worth much more than thick hair.

OhBettyCalmDown · 07/04/2026 15:27

Found it hard to vote on this one as yes, your aunt was very rude commenting on your appearance and then not catering but realistically she didn’t give you fatty liver disease. That’s not possible over the course of one holiday

JustSawJohnny · 07/04/2026 15:23

You are a very grown adult.

You are more than capable of standing up for yourself and buying/cooking your own meals.

The whining and blaming gets you nowhere but PoorMeesVille.

If ONE VISIT can cause fatty liver then God help everyone who goes on an all inclusive holiday 🙄

MrsMaryHaward · 07/04/2026 15:22

Hallamule · 07/04/2026 11:21

Your aunt does not sound like a kind person and she's clearly knocked your confidence. Lesson learnt, you need not see her again. But why you, as an adult, couldn't arrange a reasonable diet for yourself whilst staying with her, is a mystery.

Or go to a hotel and say stop you are not being kind, if I want your opinion I will ask for it but until then unless you want me to leave please stop ✋

likelysuspect · 07/04/2026 15:22

TwoSwannits · 07/04/2026 14:55

It is a culture known for hospitality so not being fed by an aunt was truly weird

Every bloody culture will tell you its known for hospitality and that they bond by eating together. Find me a single culture in this world that doesn't make a statement like that. I'm sick of being told by people from outside of my country and my culture that their country and culture is especially known for showing hospitality through sharing food.

It's like this is supposed to come as some sort of curious surprise to us British people. Like everyone else assumes we barricade our front doors to stop people coming over the threshold, and if we really can't avoid it then we just shove a ready meal in front of them and fuck off, leaving them alone to eat it while they go out and do something more interesting.

I hear it all the time on Bake Off or Master Chef and it drives me mad.

'In my culture we love getting together with friends and family for big celebration meals and we show love through feeding people.'

Newsflash, that's not your culture that's just called being human. We all do it.

Edited

Oh god this. I just havent had the energy to rage about this but I rage in my head hearing this on every bloody cooking show.

Blueyrocks · 07/04/2026 15:21

DarmokAndJaladAtTenagra · 07/04/2026 14:58

The OP doesn't explicitly state what her expectations were, but I think it's fairly clear that she expected that she was not allowed to cook for herself, therefore expected the aunt to provide a sensible diet for the 3 week visit. The OP is clear that she did not expect chips for every meal and the food offered fell below her expectations. It also was stated that the wider family had concerns about the aunt's behaviour and tried to make up the slack to some extent. So the aunt was not a 'good' host according to the expectations of the OP or her wider family and I'm taking them to be experts in their culture.

I don't know if sourcing her own food (fresh uncooked ingredients she could eat raw, street food, or visiting a cafe or restaurant alone) would have been very high risk for her. But I imagine she would have an idea of which of these options were hazardous in her culture.

Show quote history

True, hadn't considered the other family clearly seeing a problem with the food provided!

Re. high risk, I didn't mean unsafe food so much as transgressing cultural norms. For people who've "left" the community (in some way), this can (at least in my community) carry a high risk of criticism, mistrust, even ostracism, and maybe even violence depending on the specifics. Offending a woman of high standing, especially if she's family to me, would be a big problem for how my community saw me. And since I'm already "outside" to some extent for various reasons, there's less leeway for mistakes. Just trying to understand the OPs apparent passivity.

likelysuspect · 07/04/2026 15:20

No one gets boils from eating chips for 3 days and no one gets fatty liver from eating chips for 3 weeks

What country is this?

Heronwatcher · 07/04/2026 15:19

I think this is a classic “two things can be true at once.”

Yes the aunt sound horrible and a shit host.

Equally after a week of this, once the boils started 😱 the OP should have done something. If your health is suffering and moreover you know it’s likely that the relationship has broken down anyway you move out or go home. Not wait for another couple of weeks! No social convention is worth this and the OP was over 50, not a child.

ArduousAndTedious · 07/04/2026 15:16

Droopydroopingdropped · 07/04/2026 11:30

Okay thank you
Foodwise I wasn't allowed in the kitchen. She would even bring me a cup of tea
They do things differently over there
Shes only about 8 years older than me, the youngest of all the sisters and when I mentioned it to another one she said she was worried that this would happen
Its not a country where you can get Uber Eats etc
Anyway the point is that despite making a huge long expensive journey I felt like I wasn't wanted there
My aunt and uncle had been calling and calling saying they wanted me to visit but then I get there and they cant be bothered to do basic meals.
As for plastic surgery no I wont do that really
I am exercising and eating healthily to get the fatty liver under control but I 100per cent believe the constant fried food tipped me into the unhealthy range.
I just wish I never went.

Well you did but don’t have to again!

For some, the thought of visitors is better than actually having them.

I’m in reverse, I absolutely hate the thought of having visitors because of all the prep work, but actually enjoy them whilst here.

Additup · 07/04/2026 15:14

Dentalmum2 · 07/04/2026 11:18

YABU. You don't get fatty liver from three weeks of crap food. I'm assuming she's quite old if you are 56 so she may have lost her filter a bit. It's annoying, but certainly not worth getting a complex over it or researching filler.

This !!!
Thank your lucky stars these people all live abroad do you don't have to see them any time soon.
Also why didn't you tell your aunt to take a look in the mirror beford she starts being do damn rude?

Xkk · 07/04/2026 15:10

Baggingarea · 07/04/2026 14:02

This. And to go out and make your own food would be seen as incredibly rude.

I think a lot of mumsnetters have guessed that op is not white British and her family is from a developing country and are being purposefully obtuse. Or they are just very small minded.

Regardless, a lot of the replies on this thread are so rude and so out of proportion. Some of you need to take a good hard look at yourselves.

Show quote history

Fucking hell! Rude or not, who cares? Wasn't the aunty rude? Stop with this molly codling, a grown arse woman should take responsability for herself. The food is not good? Find solutions. If there were relatives who took her out for meals, there would have been a grocery shop/market on the way. You are treated badly? Go home. Scandal, being rude, who the fuck cares? You are more important, you have to look out for yourself and should not care you offend someone when yourelf are offended yourself and sufferring. Posters who answered are completely right, nothing to look in the mirror for. We are adults and we get to decide how we are treated. No one will build you a statue for sacrificing yourself.

Allseeingallknowing · 07/04/2026 15:04

Anywherebuthere · 07/04/2026 14:45

Traumatised by a few comments. You're 56. Most people have developed a thicker skin by that age and don't take silly comments to heart.

Fatty liver develops over years, not from 3 weeks of fried food. If that was the case everyone would be walking around with a fatty liver. Your lifestyle is possibly not as healthy as you think.

You should have shopped for ingredients and made your own food. And why didn't you leave as soon as you realised no one wanted you there. You passively accepted the treatment given to you.

Not true that no one wanted her there- read the original post!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/04/2026 15:00

Droopydroopingdropped · 07/04/2026 11:30

Okay thank you
Foodwise I wasn't allowed in the kitchen. She would even bring me a cup of tea
They do things differently over there
Shes only about 8 years older than me, the youngest of all the sisters and when I mentioned it to another one she said she was worried that this would happen
Its not a country where you can get Uber Eats etc
Anyway the point is that despite making a huge long expensive journey I felt like I wasn't wanted there
My aunt and uncle had been calling and calling saying they wanted me to visit but then I get there and they cant be bothered to do basic meals.
As for plastic surgery no I wont do that really
I am exercising and eating healthily to get the fatty liver under control but I 100per cent believe the constant fried food tipped me into the unhealthy range.
I just wish I never went.

It really won’t have been the cause - you need to eat a shit ton of fried food for a long time before you get fatty liver.

I understand it was awful but perhaps don’t visit again.

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/04/2026 14:58

The aunt was rude and clearly weird about food. But given that, you (at 56!) do have agency to take steps to cater for your needs - whether that's eating out, at other relatives, being firm about what you eat at her house or cutting the visit short. Even if that causes a "scandal" - so what, she's rude, not catering properly for a guest and her relatives "know what she's like".
Do take steps to sort out your fatty liver, skin issues and thin hair. Don't have plastic surgery because your odd relative made rude comments. Don't stay with her again.