AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

I am atheist and in Ireland and if I was to say 'well thats a revolting thing to say considering the deceased would be better still walking around not dead and buried under soil' I would be classed as rude yet religious people think nothing of saying shite like that cos they believe it or have been brainwashed at least into believing it. I find it personally offensive but apparently my view insults religious people who apparently are more worthy of sensitivity.

"Well, life goes on", said to me by a friend of my DH as he left following a visit to DH who was actively dying (in the last days of his life).

I still remember being utterly gobsmacked, but it was just a turn of phrase - he was a good friend to DH, and has continued to be a friend to me.

I agree. I really cannot bring myself to use these euphemisms. A good friend of mine has recently died, but when sharing the news among our group, everyone said "died", so I think we tend to gravitate to people who have similar language to us.

For a Christian, it's probably true - but you can't know that the person you're speaking to will agree.
There are many things we might think when someone dies (that it's a relief, or that it's not the worst thing that could happen), but most of us have the sense not to voice them to the bereaved. I try to take my cue from the spouse/close family.

The opening post is the reason why many people feel they can't give condolences to the bereaved, because so many people look for offence, especially second hand offence like the OP.

For people who believe in an afterlife, they do believe the person is in a better place, I would take the comment in the spirit (pun unintended) it was given in.

What is learned from several far too soon deaths in my family.
People sometimes say things clumsily or in a way that does not reflect your beliefs or grief. But they are trying to say "I'm so sorry this terrible thing has happened to you, I am so sorry"
And that's a whole lot better than those who say nothing or indeed cross the street to avoid you.

Sounds like a religious statement to me - i.e they are with God/in an afterlife/Heaven.

If it was me, it would depend on who said it. If I knew the person was good and kind and said it in the hope of making me feel better, I’d be touched. If I knew they were hoping to exploit my grief in order to draw me into their faith, I’d explode.

I would hope that the relative would take it in the spirit it was intended - as words of comfort. You wouldn’t have to be in the least religious to understand how it was meant.

People struggle to know what to say when someone is bereaved, my mum died last year she was 82 and very frail and hadent been in good health for a number of years
And really didnt want to be here in the last few weeks of her life ,
So it was more of a relief when died and wasent suffering anymore
I dont think peoole look to offend their intentions are usually good .

It’s just a stupid thing to say but it’s so hard to know what to say.

No-one said that to me when my husband died, thank goodness. ' I am so sorry' covers it all.

It's a phrase that ties into the Protestant Christian ethos.... when you die you get to heaven where it's all milk and honey...better than suffering pain and sickness on earth.

Clumsy but bloody true in my experience

tbh when i have lost family members any platitudes were received gratefully and tbh i was in such a blur i have no memory of what Was said. but i do remember i actively wanted people to acknowledge it,
people find death very difficult, the majority of people have no idea what to say.
seems very mean to criticise

a better place than being very unwell is how i saw it

These are the kind of blanket statements people make because it's what they think they should say. It's likely coming from someone who felt the need to say something, and lacking any original thought, they said something off the inside of a greeting card. It's one of the most overused condolence statements other than, "I'm sorry for your loss." Or "It was his time."

I agree that "he is in a better place for sure" is extremely dismissive, patronizing, and deeply uncompassionate. I had a terrible loss a few years ago and someone said "It was his time" as if they were some wise sage.

This colleague is not God, she does not have the right to announce that a man she never knew is in a better place. It's presumptuous as hell and just so unsympathetic.

She probably meant well, though, she is just too stupid to know how she came across.

Personally, I think the only thing you can in this instance without possibly offending or hurting the bereaved is "I'm sorry for your loss."

Sorry but this made me smile 💐

I have someone on Facebook who is very catholic and her DC have been involved in a life of crime from early on. Started off as motoring offenses then moved onto violent robberies and was very unrepentant about it all. Her ds died in a RTA where he was chasing someone. Her Facebook is full of pictures of him with photoshopped angel wings at the gates of heaven with other dead relatives. She often captions it with "God only takes the best/God's garden is beautiful, He only picks the best/You were too good for this cruel world " and how he will be waiting for her at the gates of heaven, and part of me would love to leave a comment of "WTAF, I hope not!" but of course I would never do that.

It’s a really shit expression and I hate it, I lost my friend 2 years ago and someone said the same thing. Surely being here with her husband and kids is the “better place” for her, not fucking dead. It really pisses me off.

It is hard to know what to say. I am a Christian but hyper aware other people don’t believe so I cross that out.

I just said thank you to people who sympathised unless someone is trying to be offensive there is no need to bite their head off.

My cousin said to me at least you had your mother longer than she had her mother. I thought wtf but just smiled. I wanted to say did you say goodbye to your mother on an iPad or were you all around her to say goodbye. Grief is difficult to navigate, people say careless things.

It isn't the world's though is it? Whatever people say, they mean 'It's shit, we know it's shit, it was/will be shit when it happened/happens to me too, nothing we can say will really help, and unfortunately the only way with grief is through it.'

But because people like you look at good intentions or kindness and decide to take offence, society has invented a bunch of mealy-mouthed platitudes for us to say instead.

I hate passed away, or lost, or fell asleep but people say those things because someone like you will take offence at the word 'dead'. So, when people say them to me, I know what they really mean and I say thank you and inwardly laugh at the thought I bury my relatives whenever they fall asleep.

Just remembered a friend whose Mum had died some years prior (the mum having been friends with my mum who had died) saying things like ‘I bet they’re together up there having a glass of wine and a good laugh!’ which I don’t find upsetting but just quite cringey. 😂

When my much loved parents died there were people who said this but they knew both my parents had faith, were members of the church & they believed in the soul going on to the afterlife. I found it comforting knowing it was their time to go & hopefully given the state of the world at present it was to a better place. I do understand why there are people who disagree with the sentiment though.

How else could it be interpreted?

‘He’s in a better place now…
in that box under the ground/in a jar on your mantelpiece’.

Of course nobody sane would think/say such a thing. The person saying it obviously believes there is an afterlife (and therefore has some spiritual or religious beliefs).

I can’t even remember what people said when I was bereaved- probably this exact phrase plus lots of others. Clearly none of them shocked me or upset me too much as I can’t recall them.

What did upset me was people avoiding mentioning my bereavement or the person I was grieving for.

When my dad died, a close friend said it must be a comfort to know he's reunited with your sister now. I said no, not really as I don't believe in that! They were quite shocked 🫤 I wasn't really offended though as I knew it was well meant.

Yes. In certain circumstances when the death was particularly painful and cruel, it is said with compassion by family, grateful they are out of pain.
A young mother took her life last year, at the funeral service the priest said it a few times, that she’s in a better place, watching her young children aged between 9-13 crying. It was awful. I wanted to push him off the altar. I couldn’t believe he was saying this.