AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

It's an old fashioned expression that used to be more common but it's not something I would say. I just don't get this "people don't know what to say to the bereaved" business. I've never had any problems saying to someone "I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your dad/mum/husband". That is all that's needed and maybe a hug or a hand on their arm if you feel appropriate. Surely this isn't beyond the reach or imagination of most regulated adults?

People do this all the time. Same as 'everything happens for a reason' they're too thick to think for themselves so just regurgitate these phrases without thinking.

It is insensitive, I am a Christian and I still think it is insensitive (from post above talking about heaven - yes years ago some people said this). How about the poor people on Earth wishing they were still here, happy and healthy etc.

If someone has lived a long life there will be many memories for people to miss, if they went before their time there will feel a sense of injustice. If there is an element of guilt (as in I didnt do this or that / I should have done this and that), this can add extra weight to a sad and sensitive time.

A lot of people don’t know how to handle death, and when they fist experience grieving it can be well into their 40’s / 50’s +. Even after this some people still handle differently than others. I tend to suggest to anyone if they ask advice, to just say “I am so sorry”, and leave the person time to speak should they wish to. If you do talk to them, please avoid talking about your own grief for someone from years ago, this is something to discuss at a further time. At such a sensitive time people need to have space and time to speak, leaving silence for them to muster up the words is fine, don’t try to fill the void.

Whatever they say, treat as in confidence and don’t go round rattling what you heard to people.

Well, she kind of did say something really🤔

It's one of those occasions when so long as it's coming from a good place and well meant, it's best just ignored.

As some have said I prefer for someone to say something than ignore me. There’s a supervisor where I work and when my mum died she said ‘I won’t say anything because I don’t want to upset you’ but I’d rather she’d said something!

I think if someone has been ill a while, in pain, got something like dementia etc then there is nothing wrong with the phrase. Just means they are no longer suffering.

weird thing to get offended by really

It's someone's attempt at being kind. Honestly I wonder sometimes should we all just stop talking to each other for fear of offence. People say things as they see it, they can't possibly know how the other person truly feels. Many people from a religious background are not actually spiritual, many atheist born people are deeply spiritual. Unless you've had a deep philosophical/ theological discussion with someone you don't know. So yes it's best not to make presumptions either way but at the same time getting all offended and upset because someone else's view doesn't align with yours is wrong. While I sympathise with anyone losing someone, it's also common for someone grieving to misplace their anger and make it all about something minor.

I voted yabu because it doesn't really matter.
The deceased is dead. Nothing can bring them back and it's not a nasty thing to say.
I'm an atheist and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

I think that the worst thing we can do as parents is to use euphemisms with our children because we are too uncomfortable with the idea of death to explain the concept to them. I think there have been many children who were terrified to go to sleep at night after being told that a much loved relative had suddenly "fallen asleep" and disappeared from their lives.

You're correct - the phrase comes from a time when we were a mostly Christian society and believed that when someone died, they would be going to heaven - even if we knew that the deceased was an evil piece of work, we maintained that idea! In modern times, the concept of heaven (and hell) has changed for many believers and of course, we are surrounded by people of other faiths (and none), so the concept of "a better place" is not something that is a common belief. In fact, as you show, it is a phrase that can be really discomforting to many people and should be retired. However, we are where we are and I'm quite sure there are many who will take exception to what I have said - even though I call myself a Christian and am not in the first flush of youth 😄

Yes but some people really do believe that.

I think it’s insensitive of you not to have sufficient cultural competency to know that this is a well acknowledged concept in this world.

In future I think I’ll just stick to ‘I’m so sorry’.
Some people hate ‘passed’, some people find ‘died’ too harsh, some people find the word ‘loss’ insulting.

The phrase used here (Ireland) when expressing sympathy in the event of a death used to be ‘Sorry for your troubles’, but I don’t know if that’s still used today. I haven’t heard it in a while.

My dad died in 2020, this is included as a "need to know" in my child's EHCP. We use the language "died" as that's what she says & understands. It's in there because she randomly states "grandad died" and we want people to know that it's not new. The coordinator at the LA changed it to "passed away" as she felt "died" was too harsh. Like wtf?

When my brother died, what really hurt was when people said nothing. Threads like this encourage that sort of response.

I would assume their last few months/years were full of pain and end of life was seen as a relief from pain.

It’s not just Christians that believe in a nicer afterlife than life on earth.
There is no presumption of Christianity in saying it.

It would also apply to the vast majority of religions
Jews
Muslims
Druze
Hindu
Buddhists
Ancestor worship based religions
Wicca
Zoroastrianism
Druids
Gaia
Isis
Norse
Jedi

But it’s irrelevant if you think it’s the truth. I think that death is the end of consciousness, and that we don’t survive in any form. I don’t feel the need to offer condolences in a way that highlights this, because it’s perfectly possible the bereaved person believes differently. Only someone with no theory of mind doesn’t grasp this.

Yes, except if you have faith, it’s not ‘a version’ it’s true (in your mind). I don’t believe that but if you do, saying it is simply stating the truth (and presumably you think a rather comforting one at that).

That’s what I’m saying! Which is why ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is a more appropriate platitude than ‘He’s in a better place’.

I mean exactly what I say. There will still be uncontacted tribes somewhere that are unaware of Christianity. The rest of us are aware of it. The poster I was responding to thought it was normal for Christians to evangelise while expressing condolences. I think you’d have to be mildly psychopathic to assure someone grieving that their dead loved one was in your particular version of the afterlife, unless you knew they shared your faith. And if you knew they shared your faith you wouldn’t be ‘spreading god’s word’ to them. It’s not that complicated.

I’m responding to @2026Y’s comment that Christians like to ‘spread God’s word’ when comforting the bereaved.

I don't really know what you mean by this to be honest. I don’t think they think you’ve not heard of Christianity before; they’re not explaining anything, they are offering condolences in a way that makes sense given their faith.

Do you really think it's only Christians that believe the dead go to a better place?