AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

This was just what I needed to read today, thank you! My partner and I are 32, have been together since we were 21, and at the moment are having a lovely life with our dog and little house. In the last 6 months half of my friends have become pregnant or had babies and I still feel like I've got a couple of years of child-free fun to squeeze out of life...

Pay off the car and then go for it

Why? What's so bad about being in your 50s with teens? Those mums had time on their own in their 20s, the ones who have them younger can get time in their 50s - it's swings and roundabouts. Just avoid having dc both in your 20s AND 40s I think!

Only you know if you’re ready or not. But my friend was like this and put off having kids for ages then had early menopause and now she’s infertile.

I met my now husband when I was 20. He was ready for babies 3 years before me, and I pushed it back to 34. I loved our life, my job, my dogs and wasn't ready to give it all up and have my life turned upside down. I am glad I waited, as I have LOVED being a mum and we were in a great place financially and mentally to just focus on being parents. That said, the downside was I left it too late for a second child, but have no regrets - my son has had a great childhood and we have enjoyed every second of his 16 years.

You'll know when you're ready You aren't there yet.

baffling you are putting off having kids cos of holidays and others peoples weddings. if thats the thinking, you will never be ready. either own up to that or realise once you have kids they come first, not your travel plans, so you need to be prepared to become a lot selfless

I'm going to disagree with all the people who say if you have to ask you aren't ready. I think it's perfectly normal to look at the nice trips abroad and meals out on a whim and ask if you're ready to give that up - and to feel a pang about doing so.

I think lots of perfectly ready people feel that way. For most of us we'll never be ready ready. There will always be a reason why a baby would be inconvenient next year. And that's fine.

We are on the whole having kids a bit later than is biologically ideal. Some of that is due to social reasons and people not settling down young. But you are settled so all of those reasons not to/to do it late don't apply to you. Lucky you! 28 is only young on our weird modern world.

HOWEVER please sit down with your partner and talk through the expectations and assumptions you both have. Will one of you step back in your career? If so how will you split money - doing more of the childcare is a contribution to the household funds in the same way paid work is. How do you plan to parent? Are you vaguely aligned on principles? Of course half of it will go out the window, but it's good to think about it up front.

How will you pay for childcare? Have you researched what it will cost and what help you are entitled to? How does that work with your mortgage? If you are taking a long maternity leave how will you (plural) fund that? Will he be taking shared parental leave? What maternity/paternity pay do both your employers offer?

You still have so much time to enjoy your freedom and decide if its something you want! I am 40 and have a baby, i would not have wanted a child when i was younger, but everyone is different!

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Having a baby changes EVERYTHING

I'd do it earlier rather than later. You don't want to be a 50-year old mum with teens. If you have kids now they will go to uni by the time you're a pensioner, so you'll have some time to enjoy life when you are still in good health. I'm in my 40s and my youngest is 6. I really wish I started earlier.

I had my first at 32, wouldn’t say I felt 100% ready but don’t think I ever would have! Absolutely love it now though and have 2 under 2. I would say though, I’m very glad I waited till 30, as I don’t think I would have felt as complete as I do now as still felt like I had things to tick off before then

I had my first at almost 35. I didn't ever get broody, but didn't want to not have kids and regret it, and knew it would potentially get harder to conceive as I got older. (It didn't...!) I didn't meet my DH until I was 29 though, and got married at 34. I can understand what you mean about meeting your grandparents - my last grandparent died days before my oldest was born, and I was devastated they never got to see DS. But she was in her mid 90s, and you may have younger DGPs. If you don't feel ready, I'd hold off.

Time is on your side. I don’t think you sound ready and that’s fine. I’d leave it another two years and reassess in your thirties.

If I'd waited until the urge/ felt ready, I'd never have done it! One of friends dithered until she was 42 and even now, doesn't seem overly enamoured with the result.

I wanted children, because I was interested in having them than not. Most of my family and friends assumed i wouldn't have any.

I was 28/29 and financially stable. Social life was ok, but actually improved after having dc, despite going back to work ft.

I wasn't all misty eyed at the prospect of babies; I knew I'd be better at the teen stage. And I am. My teens are a piece of piss- ND included-although we laid the foundations when they were small.

I wouldn't say you have to give up everything to be a decent parent, either, but you do need to work as a team and understand that a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship.

But if you only have 1 or kids, you'll have pretty much done the grind in about 10 years, then they get more independent and, even useful, and you're sorted. Just waiting for one of mine to learn to drive and we'll have come almost full circle.

One thing though: I had the urge 2nd time round and it was horrendous. Much easier ttc when you're still at the wait and see stage, rather than the omg, I must have a baby stage.

Do you genuinely want to have children? You don't have to, and you sound happy with your life as it is.

Having children is hard and, at least for a few years, really screws up everything else in your life. Your identity, your relationship and your social life will all radically change, you will have significantly less time to do anything for yourself.

My honest advice is not to have children unless you want them so badly you can't bear not to have them.

I agree with this.

I knew I was ready and I wanted a family of my own, not just a baby. It’s an all consuming responsibility and you could end up resentful if not ready.

Its 2026, you don’t need to have babies if your life already feels fulfilled.

Children are all-consuming, but it doesn’t mean that your life has to stop. Do you have family support around you? It can make a massive difference to what parenting looks like. DH and I chose to move away from our families, and have only had a handful of nights out together in 10 years. Other couples I know have date night once a week.

Do you want a baby or do you want children because you feel you SHOULD be wanting children now?

Have you sat down and talked about what it will look like on the day to day? How you will parent together? Who's taking leave for the baby/child/sick days etc what are the nurseries like in your area,the schools? Is their wraparound care?
What if there is additional needs that require one of you to give up their job? Which one of you will give up. Or would you both go part time. Are there family involved or grandparents who want to support you physically and emotionally ? How will you manage all the school holidays?

I know it's all the far away boring what ifs but I think it's really important to think about the potential reality. I remember being told that once children are in primary school suddenly its all easier and you can work more. It's the complete opposite in my experience. Of course not everyone's life stops when they have a baby but for some of us it's unrecognisable for a really really long time.

I don't have kids yet so can't comment on that side but I'm in a very similar situation in that I'm 28 , married and we said we'd start trying this summer.

For me, having my grandparents meet my children was a big deal and unfortunately all three have passed away within a few weeks of each other in the past few months. On the flip side, my parents had me earlier as they thought my grandmother wouldn't live long and they wanted to give her the first grandchild and she lived until this year! All this to say it's very difficult to predict what will happen so I think you have to make your decision based on how you feel rather than others 💖

Yes, I agreed with this. It's easy for DH to want a baby. His life won't change much. You don't believe that now but genuinely, other than a few sleepless nights here and there and some extra expenses, his life will stay the same.

Your body, your career and your social life will all take a massive beating in the medium term however. So you have the final say OP.

I see your point, though I'd say one of my points was that both people really want a baby together. OP doesn't, right now, so she's definitely not in the perfect position. Having the various practical things in place is one thing, but actually wanting to become a parent and raise a child is a whole different thing, that OP appears not ready for. Which is perfect okay :)

Do you actually want a baby or do you just think that you should want a baby?

You can have a very happy life without kids and all the stress and expense they bring.

Firstly, make sure you genuinely want a baby, rather than feeling pressured by expectations because you’re married and things look right on paper. Plenty of people are in that position and choose not to have children at all. Secondly, having a child doesn’t mean your life stops, it changes, of course, and in the early days it can feel overwhelming, but it’s not over. You can still travel, spend time with friends, and take your child on holiday! What I will say is over when you have kids though is that feeling of little responsibility or not worrying about anyone else, even when they are grown you will always worry about them, that’s just being a mum. At 28 you’re still young, I would maybe take a few more years to enjoy that feeling and freedom!!

I didn’t think I wanted children until about a year before I had my DD at 31. Instead of asking ‘What am I waiting for?’ try just living you life.You may wake up one day feeling completely ready, or you may not.

Every major life decision comes with doubts, especially something as life-changing as having children. No one is ever 100% ready, even if they think they are. So if you’re waiting for complete certainty, it may never come!