AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

I have two children. They're both adults now. My eldest is your age.

They seem so young! With so much life to live, so many opportunities and such fun to have.

From this side of the fence, I'd want them to wait until 30 really.

I had my first at 23 and my second at 31. I didn't regret it but I se now how different life would have looked without a child in my 20s. Not better; just different.

If your husband is worthy of being a husband and a father, you will still get your annual girls holiday. Just maybe not when you're pregnant!

Imo you're not ready.

I was 29 when I had my first baby. All the years leading up to that I was happy going travelling, going out and enjoying time with friends, my fiancée and my own peace and freedom! All of a sudden, I really wanted a baby and I would see pregnant women and really want that to be me. It was an innate feeling that came along quite abruptly and I knew I'd be happy to reduce travelling, nights out etc for this next chapter.

It was the right call as being a parent is never ending and changes your life completely. If you're not sure, I'd wait a while longer

I would say don't do it if you're not sure you're ready. I was 100% ready and it still knocked me for 6. A baby completely takes over your life. Have a few more holidays before you commit, it's not selfish at all.

I felt a similar way at 28 - wanted a baby but kept dwelling on negatives/timing. Same at 29. At 30 I was ready, didn’t care about the things that were holding me back before.

Whatever you decide you owe it to your husband to be honest and not string him
Along with the maybes.

everyone’s experience is different including the impact your life. Some people carry on with work/travel etc with young children, others don’t. Some babies and children are hard work, others not so much

you never know which it will be!

equally you start now and find it takes years to conceive or could happen first month

Before kids my vision of my life revolved around children. I could see my future with babies, toddlers, children. Nin fact I had been broody since I was a teenager. You might need to really think about what life with baby will look like.

You are currently 28. Do you work full time? Will that continue? What are your childcare options? Would you want to give up work or go part time? How might that impact your lifestyle. What do you normally do on weekends? Are you ready for your life to revolve around a child?

To me it doesn't sound like you are sure you want kids. Kids do change your life in so many ways.

honestly you don't sound like you want a baby. Having a child is the most unimaginable life change, it's impossible to understand it until it happens. It puts so much pressure on your relationship, your time, your finances. If you have doubts or reservations, then don't do it, at least don't do it now. I can't see any rush, you're so young. Me and majority of my friends had our first babies in our mid 30s. If you are worried about possible fertility issues then why not get some private tests done so you have an indication.

I don't think anyone ever feels "100 ready" @Sunnycupboard . I had DD1 at 29 and DD2 at 33 and was glad we hadn't left it another two years in the end as we'd originally planned as I was diagnosed with something which may affect fertility in my 30s, after I'd had DD2, but we weren't planning to have any more. So if we'd left it a lot later then we may not have had them at all. Also it may take a couple of years or more to conceive, it was very quick for us but you just don't know until you try.

Also now I'm 50 and they are both pretty independent, not financially yet but that won't be long. Think about the other side and later life as well, if indeed you want children at all.

@Sunnycupboard

Children are a big responsibility and I dont think anyone ever feels ready.

Lots of people have unplanned pregnancies (therefore not "ready" and did not have a sudden urge), and are able to be loving, caring responsible parents that give their children a brilliant upbringing.

As long as you are aware that you are responsible for this person you bring into the works and all it comes with, then I would say that shows that you are ready. As PP have mentioned, some people just want babies and dont think about them actually growing up.

If you want a family then there's never a perfect or good time.

My husband and I met at age 20 and 21. By 25 I had desperate pangs to become a Mum, but my husband wasn’t ready. So we waited until he was also ready. We had 10 wonderful childfree years - travelled lots, lie-ins, could be selfish, be spontaneous, worked abroad etc. And I wouldn’t change it for the world now. I’m now glad he didn’t give in to my years of pestering 😂 haha….. and we waited until we were both totally ready, in our early thirties.

You are still so young - if I were you I would take a few more years travelling, spending quality time with your husband and friends.

I think it's natural to be ambivalent. It is like a bomb going off in your lives and your marriage in the first year. You need to be a team to make it a success and while it sounds like the two of you are in a great place to start a family it's worth doing your due diligence.

Out of interest, have the two of you actually sat down and done the maths on having children and tested your respective assumptions?

What are your respective maternity and paternity paid leave periods?

How long do each one of you want to take off? Does your husband assume you will do it all?

Back to work? Do you want to return? Does your husband assume you will/won't? If you change your mind what then?

Will his earnings allow for a pension fund for you? Will yours if he wants to be a SAHD ? Does he presume you will be at home and not him? Would he entertain working compressed hours over a 4 day week so you both have one day at home with the kids? Useful to test thinking especially if you don't have friends with small kids and aren't already considering how the will impact your lives other than "it would be nice to have a mini-me and take a son to the rugby"

Have you got sufficient savings to fund that period? Redundancy is a real risk during pregnancy and maternity leave.

Childcare? Visited any nurseries and established a) places availability and b) cost?

Grandparents - have they made vague supportive statements about "helping out". If they have what does that actually look like in practice? [there are a million threads on here about GP's backing off or simply being a nightmare ignoring parents requests] I would be frank - you've suggested many times you would look after a grandchild. How many days a week? From 8am to 6pm? Do you take the child to them or do they come to you? How does that work with a commute for you both - who will do drop offs and pick ups? For how long? You still need wrap around care when school starts - if anything it's harder.

School - do you have any strong views on state versus private? If the latter, do you have sufficient income bandwidth to start saving serious cash amounts to be able to fund it in 5 years [on top of childcare costs]?

As someone in their early 50's with children in their teens there are a lot of pro's to having children in late 20's/early 30's. I can remember my parents turning 40 in my teens. My kids were toddlers. I will be retiring when they finish university. It is unlikely I will ever take them hiking in South America, my knees are knackered.😂

It is very easy to put it all off and enjoy these years but you may regret it later.
Equally, it's also very easy to end up with several small children, a spouse who doesn't pull their weight and divorced by 40 with years out of the workforce.

Children are very hard work but usually very rewarding. Consciously choose to have them, both of you.

A wise woman once said, "Men want children like children want a dog". Not all men I hasten to add, but many are not prepared to put the work in.

This. Once you get broody then come off contraception. Until then live your life as you want to.

I'd wait you are still young! I had DC at 34 and still felt young and I definitely didn't feel ready. I was just worried about waiting longer and it not happening but luckily we got pregnant quickly. I'm now debating when to have my second as DC is already 18 months and still not feeling ready!

You are still young and if you want another year or two of freedom, just move the TTC back. I think one of the reasons I can accept the slog of looking after young children is that I really enjoyed my freedom in my 20s, travelled, partied etc.
However, your DH is a few years older so you should take his preferences into account. Having said that, he’s not the one who has to bear, birth and feed the baby!

100% wait longer. You’re still young and have time to have adventures and then TTC. And still have fertility treatment if it doesn’t happen easily. Babies are so all consuming for most people, it’s not selfish to want to enjoy more of your own life before changing it entirely! I waited until 30 and regret not enjoying my 20’s more and waiting a bit longer!!

We were mid thirties when we had our 1st. I didn't ever feel particularly broody but we felt w3 wanted a family. I went away to a friend's wedding when my 2nd was 3 months old and my husband and his parents had a great time with the children. If your husband is fully committed to being a decent father who pulls his weight, you just need to be sure you are ready and then try for one when it suits you. There really isn't a right or wrong time as there are advantages and disadvantages at any age.

I relate to this a lot, but I'm a bit older than you, nearly 34. The urge has never come for me. I now have a nephew who I absolutely adore, but the urge isn't there for me. I think you really need to really want it.

I was like you. I met my husband at 22, him 26 and always loved babies/kids but definitely didn’t want my own at that point. When I was younger I always had a plan of wanting to be married and at least pregnant by the time I tuned 30. I wasn’t even married by the time I turned 30! By the time I was 28/29 I was starting to wonder whether I actually wanted them or not because I was getting closer to 30. Once I hit 30 something changed and I just had to do it.

At the time I was listening to a podcast called something like “To baby or not to baby?”, this woman was 35 and in the same position. She had various women on, people who were child free, people who’d had losses, people with lots of kids, people with only children etc. I actually found this podcast and all these different stories really helpful in making my decision!

I had my first at 32 and second at 35. Done now, DH had ✂️ not long after our second was born. It was definitely the right decision for us, I absolutely adore being a mum. Equally I have friends my age (37) who are quite happily child free and intend to stay that way.

don’t do it for other people, only do it for yourself.

How many kids do you want?

You're young enough to wait a while, but your husband is a little older, and sperm quality degrades.

My husband and I tried on and off a little in similar circumstances. A few months, then one of us moving job so stop. A couple of months, then we had a few big ticket events lined up, a little break.

You have the time, but once you get pregnant, tbh the clock stops on frequent fun together for a while. But it picks up, so long as you have babysitters.

It sounds like you're not ready. And you have plenty of time. Wait a couple of years and see how you feel. A baby / having kids is a LOT of work and your lives will change a LOT. I don't want to be negative, I love kids and my kids were very much wanted and planned. Very much worth the work, but I'd wait til you really want them!! Just my opinion 🙂

It's totally up to you. There will never be a good time and there will always be trips, hen dos, birthday outings, holidays, festivals. Our three were born when we were in our twenties. I was 27 when we married and we already had 2 kids, a mortgage and jobs in the careers that we're still in. I only missed one hen weekend in all that time, my SIL's and that's because it was too close to my due date, I was at the wedding with my weeks old youngest. My son went to 7 weddings in his first year. And now? Our teenagers come with us to festivals, on trips abroad.

There is no perfect time. I've got lots of friends who chose to do it in their thirties, some in their forties.

Having them younger meant my mum was only 50 when she became a grandparent so she's been really hands on, and my kids grew up knowing their great grandparents.

It slowed down my career earlier than my mates who've had theirs later but I've got a cool job and have always worked in roles and organisations who interested me and mean a lot to what I want to do in the world. This meant I've been a lower earner than most of my school mates but it's evening out now.

As someone else has already mentioned, being a parent isn't just about looking after a baby. That baby becomes a chatty toddler, a busy child, an independent teenager, a young adult and so on. Parenting is for the long haul and those early years are just a chunk of it.

Part of our reason for doing it young was my husband had a baby young before we got together. We were spending our weekends doing toddler things so thought it made more sense to go the whole hog rather than revisit the early years a decade later. I'm so glad that we did that.

There's a lot to be said for having kids at the same time as your friends but I'm really happy to be in my early 40s with older teens and young adults.

Word of warning if you're keen on a summer baby: they won't thank you when they're the only one out of their mates who can't get in the pub. Also, don't get too hung up on it because no one knows how long it will take for it to happen.

So, yeah it is a bit young in the grander scheme of things (I've felt like a baby amongst the parents at some of my older kid's hobbies and sports) but it's the right thing for some people. I get the impression that you're not super keen so it's also totally OK to hold off and wait.

And for some people, it never does. Why not wait and see?

Another perpective for you, I had both on mine in my 20s, I’m now 49 with one grown and flown and the other taking a slightly slower path but will soon be more independent.

We are now planning wonderful things to do in our 50s, without dependent children and we are still young enough to explore. We are a lot of options, especially as we are financially stable now.

Your 20s aren’t the only time you have have fun and do stuff that you want to do.

I feel this is one of those situations where if you're not 100% yes then just wait. I liked the idea of children but it wasn't till I was 30 that I really wanted one. You have loads of time to have one in the future if thats what you choose

You’re not ready. There’s no rush.