AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

My rule of thumb for moving in together is very simple - any financial impact should be shared equally. And both parties should enjoy similar levels of other benefits.

It does not sound like thats what would happen here. You would be significantly less well off fina cially while she will do significantly better.

There ARE some benefits of her moving in for you - ev more support at home - but also downsides- eg challenges with logistics related to her routine and your child's.

I dont really see therefore that moving in together at this time is very practical.

In some cases maybe, but a loving relationship does not automatically equally physically and financially supporting another person and their kids as soon as they move in together.

There should be no need to pay more than £114.50 for medical prescriptions, which is less than £10 a month.

thats not fair. OP has children taking in a significant loss which includes being unable to afford hot lunches for your kids just so your GF can move in would be highly irresponsible.

it depends whether this is actually a "partner" or just a romantic interest.

It sounds like the partner has moved temporarily to help OP practically - which is, of course, very commendable, and I imagine OP values the help.

I disagree that she is lying - most people I know say they are broke; mainly because they live to their means and don't have spare cash; not because they don't have good salaries and/or may be bad with money.

However if she is a "partner" then she needs to share from a financial as well as a practical perspective. That sounds like the conversation OP needs to have. If she wants to be a full partner, she can move in. If she doesn't , she moves out.

Because that's how a loving relationship works

Calculate how much you will actually lose rather than just the uc sum. Explain it to her. She will either contribute that and you live together or she won't and she moves back out.

That's about £45K gross (depending on deductions).
The lack of transparency would be a deal breaker for me.
She's either got a lot of debt, huge outgoings you don't know about, got some sort of addiction she's feeding or a liar.

I’m surprised she’s even wanting to move in, if she’d be better off £1000 but everyone thinks it’s fair she gives you those £1000, then she’d be no better off and she’d have to live in a much busier household and provide for your children as well.

I’d do separate households for the time being.

I think you have your answer OP. By all means check out the finances and make the decision with your head as well as your heart. However you say you prefer to live apart and its your partner who wants to move into a small house which could be disruptive to your child. There are some major red flags there.

Remember you will also lose your generous 25% council tax discount as well with two adults there.

Unless you're going to have a frank conversation with your DP about contributing money to the house hold you have a choice, that only you can make.

You either live in your house with your DC and keep your benifits.

OR.

You live in your house with your DC and your DP and lose part of your benifits.

I've a feeling reading through posts that your DP seems to think that as you're living off of benifits that she can move in and doesn’t feel she needs to contribute much as you'll still be getting all that you get now, so maybe she'll only pay a token amount.

Does she realise that that won't necessarily be the case and you'll have to declare that you're now living together or is she wanting you to keep quiet about it?

“And it would be fine if all that £2800 was going into the joint household but it wouldn’t be so I still have to try and independently support myself and kids whilst being unable to work and improve my own financial situation”

I don’t understand why all of that money would not be going into the joint household, that is how Co-habiting works isn’t it?

Or, has she made it clear that she will not provide for you and your children.

You have every right to be in a relationship, independent from your children, but that is a questionable when that person lives in the family home. Even a lodger would have an obligation to contribute to the household by way of paying rent including utilities.

Maybe a better way to do it would be to combine income and make an application based on that. Unless your partner is rich, which doesn’t seem to be the case, you could still be entitled to something.

You are unable to work and If she is not willing to support you and your children, she shouldn’t be living with you.

Even if she agreed to pay OP the extra amount, she could easily stop anytime or not do it at all but agree she will

It boggles the mind that some many people end up in thks position. Anything that is to the detriment of the children's welfare should just be a no-brainer.

At least this OP isn't 6 months in, in debt and in doubt about having the conversation/moving the partner back out.

I alao find it odd how many people think she should focus on her feelings and the partner's emotional support; at the expense of feeding her children.

Free school meals continue, even when your income increases. Once registered as a free school meals child, that status is kept for the rest of the time at that stage of school e.g. primary/secondary

What was her living situation before she moved in with you? Can she go back there tomorrow?!

They are making this decision before the woman permanently moves in though, and it’s clearly a bad idea for both of them.

I think you're being really sensible OP: your kids should always come first and that's what you're doing.

it sounds like the few weeks was enough and you and your kids will be happier going back to the set up of being a couple that lives apart and stays over sometimes and that's absolutely fine!

If you’re with a live-in partner, you should be able to rely on them to support you when times are tough.

The kids should be primarily supported by their parents (by DLA and CMS in OP’s case) but I think anyone choosing to move in with unrelated children needs to accept they’ll be paying towards a family.

I really don’t get people like you op. So you have health issues, a single parent, a child with SN, and a lying partner. What on earth do you need to dither about wondering what to do. And why do you need anyone else to confirm that?

youre about to lose £1k over your love life. You have kids and you depend and rely on benefits. Why would you ever want to mess with that. Keep your partner separate. Now look at what happened, you found them to be so deceitful. That’s why you don’t make your love life a priority when you have kids whose security and livelihood can be jeopardised.

Have you spoken to her?
I don’t think I class it as her lying about finances tbh, she may well feel that she is tight at the end of the month. We all have different levels of ‘tight’. And saving are generally not figured into how each month feels as they are savings and aren’t touched!
I’ll be honest - at no point her does it sound like you actually want her to move in and like her that much. Generally finances work as a family, not two separate people. If you want to live together you both need to go through this together.

I don’t necessarily think she has been lying @TWD123- she may have high rent, council tax, all her own bills , no benefits whatsoever and as you are discovering these things add up hugely if single and covering it all yourself if you have no access to benefits and don’t have social housing - with regards to savings, one persons ‘skint’ can be another persons ‘only ‘ £7k in savings etc - the biggie is has she got over £6k in savings and certainly over£16k as if so, you won’t be able to claim ‘at all’ regardless of her income, until you reach that level of savings - if that’s the case does she want to spend her savings on paying for you all?? unless it’s the non means tested benefits . I’m all for people standing on their own two feet but being honest in your case I wouldn’t do it , nor would I in her case to be honest if I had over the limits in savings.

Why should the partner be expected to move in and financially support OP and kids that aren’t hers though? That doesn’t make sense either.

Non means tested benefits would still be payable even if he earnings ruled you out of UC. If your child gets DLA that would continue to be paid as would PIP if you get that. If you claim New style ESA then that can still also be paid and child maintenance.

So you should probably use this as part of your explanation as to why it can't work. Kindly and non-judgementally (Chat gpt for phrasing?) to ensure a less emotive response from her?