AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

I get what you're saying.

Number of things really, the benefit system isn't to be played so if she moves in, and financially she isn't entitled to benefits due to earnings, that's great. You pool your income with her knowing she makes up what you dont have without her input. You are a couple and commit as such, your benefits stop/reduce.

Or if she's better off, you move in with her and she becomes the main earner/provider.

Or you live apart, knowing she has lied to you about her income, knows you are struggling and keeps her finances separate. Which she is entitled to do, but perhaps you aren't as serious of a couple as you thought.

Or you live apart and play the system, where you get max benefits, she retains her income, she stays over as if you live together but financially you're better off because you're both maximising your individual financial gains.

But you know in every scenario, she wasn't honest about her money and that's a red flag.

It’s not really deceptive. She didn’t need to tell you the amount until she moved in and she’s been honest with you now when she needed to

I would think the main objection to her moving in on a permanent basis is that your posts don’t seem to suggest that you like her that much 🤷🏻‍♀️

From a benefits point of view Moving a partner in is not a temporary situation. Why was the financials not discussed before taking this step. I’m surprised if she’s living there and you haven’t reported a change in circumstances. Someone working would of course be expected to contribute to op bills and household.

Hm, so from the partner’s perspective she’d need to pay £1000 per month to become a carer? It sounds like the OP is never going to work again and her health is deteriorating so partner is committing to a life of being primary financial and practical provider. It’s absurd to break a relationship down to financials only, and if that’s what you’re doing then the relationship probably isn’t a ‘partnership’ at all.

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep financial information private while dating. She’s been upfront at the point where it matters - when the relationship seems to be moving on. I think that’s fair. Why should she tell everyone she dates her exact income and savings?

The first issue here should be about the deceit, then the finances, then the upheaval to your routines. I would definitely not move in together. (Also, ignore all the posters piling on about you being on benefits.)

OP, this is actually a no brainer.
She has lied to you about her finances.
Why would you trust that person to impact your household income.

This is not going to benefit you or your children and actually is disruptive.

As a single pardnt your 100% loyalty is to your children.

Do not blow up your situation when you already have so much to contend with.

Illness and an autistic child?
That's enough to deal with.

She should not be moving in under these circumstances and I would completely rethink a relationship with someone whom has lied to me about finances.

Red flag.

2 practical things.

It doesn’t seem viable due to her shift work, it’s just not practical.

Prescriptions you would purchase an annual prepayment certificate at £114.50. Glasses you go to ASDA even if it’s a trek as even their varifocals are including in their standard prices of £80. They have no overheads hence the bargain price.

However it does sound like your loss of financial independence would be at risk and a nightmare if it didn’t work out. Also not the best situation for your DC.

It was a trial run and you are not ready to live together.

Yep. She needs to move back out. Just for lying about her financial situation, to be honest but also because you need to put your children first.

Welcome to the world of the taxpayer!

If your partner was a 'he', I can almost guarantee that this is what posters would focus on. Since she's a she, people are glossing over it and some are making excuses for her. She has been deceitful or atleast, not completely forthcoming with the real details of her financial situation. Perhaps she didn't want you to expect more from her if you knew.

However that alone would get me thinking twice about what more she could be hiding and if i want to be in a relationship where I can't quite trust how they show up.

As for your living situation, this is simple. If you and your kids are going to be worse off if she moves in, it's a no-brainer. She shouldn't move in.

What a strange post. OP likes living separate it was a temporary arrangement due to health just don’t get all this angst. Just go back to living arrangements in two separate households.

That is very unfair.
OP can't afford to love 1k a month if her partner isn't willing to make up the shortfall.
OP you need to have this discussion with her. But it sounds as though it might be better if you both keep your separate homes

You have said earlier that you would rather not live with her, so why are you even considering it?

No, OP explained this in the first paragraph.

You've answered your own question. Now you're better you don't need her living there. Use the benefits excuse if you like but sounds like you prefer to live alone and not have to manage around her shift work.

Aren’t you already in breach by having her live there “unofficially”?

You realise packed lunches still cost money right?

OP and her kids are reliant on benefits money and she doesn’t want to live with this woman after this trial, so it obviously doesn’t make sense

Blows my mind how many women put men/partners above their kids. The op is completely and indefinitely dependent on state support. That’s not the issue. The issue is that her financial situation is directly related to her kids wellbeing. That is a no brainer to me.

Imagine moving a partner in, losing benefits and it doesn’t work out. The only losers here are the poor kids who have no choice.

I will lose £1000 in income

Just a correction, it's not income. It's benefits paid from individual tax payers income.

Get a prepayment certificate for your prescriptions. Is maybe £12-13 a month by dd for everything. Ever changing glasses are by far the cheapest at goggles4 u firmoo etc. you just need your pupillary distance and you can get a tool online that does that. Make a packed lunch instead of school meals.

Change is scary, but if you have the means to get off/reduce your benefit reliance AND be in a happy committed relationship then you should do it surely?

This! Especially when there are children involved. I've got a step child (who's now an adult) and when I moved in with her dad I fully knew that his role as a parent would have an impact on our joint household finances, we had to factor in an extra bedroom when renting, he's always paid the same % to her mum. If your partner's not recognising that when you're moving in together, I'd say it's defo not time to do that.

She doesn't need to be paying bills for her to be legally living with you. The fact she has been living with you for 3 weeks should have been declared from the start. Your UC will be deducted 55p to the pound. The point in having a partner - They -should- financially support you. Benefits are there to make up for lack of a partner, lack of a wage etc...

You should apply for PIP and your partner can then be added to the UC claim and she can claim carers element. She can also claim CA, but that's deducted from UC. If she becomes your carer, then she can reduce her hours, if she wanted to.

Either way, you should have reported your CoC (change of circumstances), already. She can also have upto 16K in savings, before UC is closed. Anything over 6K and below 16K will be deducted from UC. However, if they love you, they will want to financially support you.

No but the poster I quited is saying why would the Partner want to move in with OP and kids if they are financially the same (no extra expenses). I was implying that the move would then be part of the evolving relationship and making a family unit.

That's how it works though.

If partner has thousands in the bank claims have a habit of being ended and the person moving in, takes the financial hit.

Add the disruption of the house and autistic kids thrown in to the nightshift thing. It's not going to work OP.