AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

I'm not convinced that full financial transparency is owed in a situation where the parties are living together on a trial basis, marriage is not contemplated and there are no children in common.

I think everyone on this thread is being way too generous about your partner.

if anything she has borrowed money from me once!

Fine not to overshare financial details but she earns a good wage and has borrowed money from her girlfriend who is too ill to work and relies on state support to provide for her children whilst having thousands in the bank herself!

Why do I get the impression her keenness to move in is about her accessing this £1k saving she personally hopes to enjoy.

I don't see this as dishonesty, surely if they don't live together it is no business of the OP's how much her girlfriend earns. If she was tricking the OP into paying stuff for her, that would be different. But it doesn't sound like that, more that she is frugal and doesn't buy herself lots of stuff.

With all this to consider, the finances and her lying to you about her income I can’t see how this is going to work really.

practically with the kids but also if someone lied to me I wouldn’t be able to trust them.

You clearly don't want her to move in, it negatively impacts your finances in ways you cannot afford, and (it sounds like) you have minor children living with you - so of course you are not being unreasonable to say "no, let's continue living separately".

Tell her that living together is not going to work right now and she must go at the end of the 3 weeks originally agreed. (For your own peace of mind, make sure you can document that her 2-3 weeks at your place was temporary and as a guest and that she has her own residence. Don't characterise this as a "trial run" for cohabiting, just a visit.) Figure out how you will replace her hands-on, live-in help, if you still need it. Then once she has moved out, decide if you want to confront her, have a deeper discussion, break up, etc. because of what you perceive as her dishonesty or at least lack of appropriate disclosure about her finances.

I think she needs to go home to her own place.

How old are your DC? If they are older you will need a plan for what you are going to do when your entitlement reduces. Cohabiting with a partner would make sense then.

You'd be best her not moving in. She's been dishonest with about her salary and borrows money off you. Financially irresponsible

I understand your perspective op. I'm actually surprised people aren't jumping on and as paying don't tie urself in financially because then she has all the income, can make a claim on the home if it's bought, the dynamics totally change and your children's access to healthcare and benefits will be changed too ... I have autistic children and it's impossible for me to work so unfortunately the tax payer applies in such situations

This is enough of a reason not to move her in and the cynic in me wonders if she was giving out breadline vibes because she wanted you to take pity on her and ask her to move in with you. I could be wrong, but I've worked in DV services and this isn't uncommon. You will be the one worse off and you'll be tied even further to her. You are already vulnerable in the sense that you need her to care for you, albeit temporarily.

Maybe she prioritises saving and sees that as a requirement so doesn’t have any money left after she has put into her safety net.

As long as on my dates I pay my way I tend to keep my earnings to myself after an ex used to treat every pay rise or bonus I got as his personal windfall.

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like her moving in works for you on any level, not just due to benefits.

I think you just need to tell her the trial hasn't worked out as it's a bit too disruptive for the children, and also mention the monetary element so she's aware.

Throughout the benefit system, you count as a member of a couple if you are living in the same household with someone and you are married, civil partners or living together as though you are married or civil partners.

The DWP’s Advice for Decision Makers says:

To be treated as a couple, the relationship has to be the same as that of a married couple. Marriage is where two people join together with the intention of sharing the rest of their lives.

There is no single template of what the relationship of a married couple is. It is a stable partnership, not just based on economic dependency but also on an emotional relationship of lifetime commitment rather than one of convenience, friendship, companionship or the living together of lovers.

Unless it is more likely than not that the relationship between two people has the emotional quality that characterizes a married couple’s partnership, the Decision Maker should find that they are not a couple.

The characteristics of the relationship of husband and wife may include mutual love; faithfulness; public acknowledgement; sexual relations; shared surname; children; endurance; stability; interdependence; devotion.

Not all of these characteristics need be present and two people may be treated as a couple even though the relationship is unsatisfactory or unhappy.

ADM E4093-E4095

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7575a740f0b6397f35e96f/adme4.pdf

It does not sound as if you are very compatible. Her lack of transparency is just one niggle and you would become more dependant on her. You need to put your dc needs first even if that means she lives elsewhere or even ultimately lose the relationship. What other practical support can you access?

Yes and it's easier for a couple to handle this, how do you think people that are together that don't receive benefits do it? By pulling their incomes together and scrapping by....I would say you are not that serious if you are not willing to be a team and make sacrifices. You'd rather not live with the person and keep getting benefits...

Can you not do packed lunches which are a lot cheaper? Not sure what the options are but assume buying hot meals is more expensive.

NHS dentist costs are still capped pretty reasonably. Your children will still get free dental. Does you prefer have private medical or dental through work she can add you to?

RTFT

She needs to move out again. Prioritise stability for you and your children.

I don’t get the “lying” “deceit” angle! OP, your DP didn’t tell you exactly how much she earned when you were dating and how much she had in savings.

I certainly didn’t tell my DH those things when we were dating. When dating, these things are private surely and only become apparent if and when the relationship moves onto living together and advancing the relationship, hence in your case OP, DP moved in she shared this information with you. It doesn’t matter that you thought she earned less than she actually did or that she had savings that you did not previously know about.

But both OP and her DP do not seem to be willing to grasp the financial implications of living together other than how it effects OPs benefits and I think OP, as another PP has suggested, your DP most probably thinks it is best you stay on benefits, she does though need to fully understand the implications of this and how her living with you rightfully changes everything.

This thread doesn't actually have anything much to do with the money, does it?

You don't like living with her. You don't need an excuse for that, just tell her it's not working for you and your family and she needs to move out.

Why should she become a carer when she has a well paid job. OP is skirting around the issue but it sounds like OP relys on benefits which will be soon taken away if OP actually declares a change in circumstances. From every update OP isn’t ready to combine 2 into 1 household with shared finances, so other party should move out.

2 years is too soon to be living together, especially when you have DC, how do I they like having a stranger in their safe space. You can have a relationship without living together

Not necessarily, I’m happy for my partner to pay his % of the household costs. It doesn’t mean I love him any less or that I’m keeping him at arms length.

Definitely tell her to move out . She was all but deceitful about her finances. Major red flag. And it will be detrimental to your children. Case closed

I would ask her to move back out. Your children need to come first.