Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

259 replies

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:23

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

OP posts:
Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:49

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:45

Your partner moving in should firstly be about wanting to make a commitment and a family bond. Is that commitment clear? How has the trial gone (leaving out all finances).... does she help with your kid(s)? Was your life easier, better and happier for those few weeks? If yes to the above then sit down and consider finances.

When you become a family unit... its OUR money.... OUR expenses. She will make savings by not having as high as rent amd seperate bills etc, but you will have extra costs as you'll lose certain supports. You will need a big conversation about how you plan to combine finances (e.g. are all finances going to be 100% joint? Will you do a 50/50 split on all household bills and groceries etc? Will it be divided based on a % of eachothers earnings).

If you both can't openly have this conversation... its a red flag.

Honestly, I have found it more difficult because we have a certain routine at home due to one child’s autism and where she works shifts and it’s a small house, it can be incredibly disruptive. For example, night shifts and trying to keep the house quieter in the day time

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 07/04/2026 09:49

Greenwitchart · 07/04/2026 09:47

OP I agree with you that your first concern should always be to make sure you have money to look after your kids.

Relying on another person financially who you are not married to and who is not the biological parent sounds risky to me.

I would stick to living separately.

This. It should be obvious really.

Greenwitchart · 07/04/2026 09:47

OP I agree with you that your first concern should always be to make sure you have money to look after your kids.

Relying on another person financially who you are not married to and who is not the biological parent sounds risky to me.

I would stick to living separately.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/04/2026 09:46

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:43

Thank you, I will double check about the school meals!

Unfortunately there is very little chance of working anytime soon - I have been on sickness for the last few years now and my health is even worse since then

Show quote history

Would her savings take you over the 6 or 16k limits?

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:45

Your partner moving in should firstly be about wanting to make a commitment and a family bond. Is that commitment clear? How has the trial gone (leaving out all finances).... does she help with your kid(s)? Was your life easier, better and happier for those few weeks? If yes to the above then sit down and consider finances.

When you become a family unit... its OUR money.... OUR expenses. She will make savings by not having as high as rent amd seperate bills etc, but you will have extra costs as you'll lose certain supports. You will need a big conversation about how you plan to combine finances (e.g. are all finances going to be 100% joint? Will you do a 50/50 split on all household bills and groceries etc? Will it be divided based on a % of eachothers earnings).

If you both can't openly have this conversation... its a red flag.

Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:45

ClimeSlime · 07/04/2026 09:43

Probably because OP’s always broke and the partner doesn’t want to be on the line for paying for OP and OP’s children?

Show quote history

I’m not always broke actually, I have enough to provide for me and my children without her living here and have never asked her for a penny, if anything she has borrowed money from me once!

the only time I will be broke is if she moves in here!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 07/04/2026 09:44

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:38

Even if she says fine, I’ll hand the money over, financially I will be in the same situation but I will have extra outgoings (such as prescriptions, glasses, school meals, dentist fees) that normally I won’t have to pay for so financially I’m not that much better off and will have less support

Show quote history

If you want to live together you have to pool your money and she will fund the extras essentially. Otherwise yes, she’ll have to move out if you don’t want to do that.

Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:44

Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:41

And why would you have less support, unless you mean purely financial, if your partner is living with you and providing practical and emotional support

Sorry, I meant purely financial!

OP posts:
Bushmillsbabe · 07/04/2026 09:43

When you say she would be 1k better off moving in with you, is that after she pays her proportion of the rent/bills?

Prescriptions aren't very expensive - can get a prepayment certificate for about £10 a month.
Glasses - you can just get the lenses changed if prescription changes, and keep same frames.

Would your partner moving in be a positive or negative thing emotionally for your children?

Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:43

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/04/2026 09:40

I think you will still get free school meals unless coming or UC all together as the rule for that changes in September. Can you work or pick up any extra hours if your health allows?

Thank you, I will double check about the school meals!

Unfortunately there is very little chance of working anytime soon - I have been on sickness for the last few years now and my health is even worse since then

OP posts:
MaybeIamJustABitch · 07/04/2026 09:43

Sorry, that should be @Backpain2026 first post;

This shows how utterly messed up the welfare state is really. It's supposed to be a safety net when there is no other option, not a choice.

This!!!!

ClimeSlime · 07/04/2026 09:43

aWeeCornishPastie · 07/04/2026 09:39

She needs to move out and why has she lied to you about her financials?

Probably because OP’s always broke and the partner doesn’t want to be on the line for paying for OP and OP’s children?

MaybeIamJustABitch · 07/04/2026 09:42

This.

Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:41

And why would you have less support, unless you mean purely financial, if your partner is living with you and providing practical and emotional support

Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:41

aWeeCornishPastie · 07/04/2026 09:39

She needs to move out and why has she lied to you about her financials?

Ever since I have known her, she’s always gone on about how she’s hardly got any money left until payday, struggling to afford bills, can’t afford to buy herself new clothes or new shoes so wears them completely out - her last payslip that she showed me was nearly £2800 and she has thousands in a savings account that she showed me too - but she only disclosed this information once she unofficially moved in here so to me that feels quite deceptive

OP posts:
Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:40

So she needs to pay for prescriptions then etc.

This shows how utterly messed up the welfare state is really. It's supposed to be a safety net when there is no other option, not a choice

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/04/2026 09:40

I think you will still get free school meals unless coming or UC all together as the rule for that changes in September. Can you work or pick up any extra hours if your health allows?

aWeeCornishPastie · 07/04/2026 09:39

She needs to move out and why has she lied to you about her financials?

LIZS · 07/04/2026 09:39

If you are not ready to pool money, so one’s loss is offset by the other’s gain, you are probably not ready to live together.

Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:38

LadyKenya · 07/04/2026 09:35

She is either willing to hand the money over to you, OP, or she is not. Have a conversation with her!

Even if she says fine, I’ll hand the money over, financially I will be in the same situation but I will have extra outgoings (such as prescriptions, glasses, school meals, dentist fees) that normally I won’t have to pay for so financially I’m not that much better off and will have less support

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 07/04/2026 09:38

GrrrrEnergy · 07/04/2026 09:35

Sounds a bit like you view your partner as an asset rather than a person, and because she doesn't = more ££ for you, she's out!

Is a partner not meant to enhance your life? There is no point in the OP making things more difficult for herself, especially as she has children.

Decacaffeinatednow · 07/04/2026 09:38

She needs to move back out.

Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:36

BeeCucumber · 07/04/2026 09:32

Does your partner have a home of their own?

She doesn’t own a home no

OP posts:
Original poster
TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:36

GrrrrEnergy · 07/04/2026 09:35

Sounds a bit like you view your partner as an asset rather than a person, and because she doesn't = more ££ for you, she's out!

Not at all, I need to put providing for my children first. What kind of person would I be if I put my partner living here over having money for them? I also feel like she hasn’t 100% been honest about her own financial situation

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 07/04/2026 09:35

She is either willing to hand the money over to you, OP, or she is not. Have a conversation with her!