Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

I'm very self sufficient. We've had almost no other (unpaid) help. The arrival.of the second is just one time that can be really hard.

Terrified is a bit of an overreaction! Plenty of women give birth alone or ask a friend.

This! You need to talk to them first. Surely if they do need help around this time, you can go to the festival next year.

I am 72 and generally in excellent health so I can say this. They CANNOT rely on your being able to help. Since this time last year I have had 5 minor ish unrelated illnesses out of nowhere that have each left me unable to leave home for times varying from a week to six weeks, let alone travel to stay in a hotel and go and help with a new baby. Each one came completely out of the blue, I have definitely had my money'sworth out of GP and pharmacy services! I wouldn't say where you should go but its not good sense to rely on you for essential help. Actually I will also say that at our age, we cannot rely on being able to do things next year that we can do this....that's only commonsense too.

This sounds like the issue is with your son. So maybe have words with him. Why is he not doing the cooking and cleaning and giving DIL a break?

I don’t know why people are talking about neighbours and villages. The DS talked about getting a nanny, but OP was dismissive because a nanny doesn’t love a child like a grandmother. OP now is the time to tell your DS that yes he should get a nanny and a housekeeper. It sounds like you do a lot with one DC, two is double the work. But yes be there for the birth.

It seems the son hasn't even asked. The OP's presence has simply been assumed.

Encourage the idea of a nanny. They don't "replace a grandparent" but they are there to be a long-term, competent, secure presence for the child, leaving you to visit and do the fun bits.

I do agree that looking after a toddler is far more exhausting than cycling 100 miles. You can never relax with an inventive small demon in the house.

No grandparent is “entitled” to anything

And that's a fair call on her part, but the situation isn't sustainable.

I guess, never having had family around, I've just learned a lot of self-sufficiency.

There is no replacement for a GM in the village. And yes, it shouldn't becall on the OP, but as OP herself says, "now is not the time".

I think if your son and DIL want and need you there (presuming you are fit and able to )and there is no alternative support for them at this unique time and the opportunity to attend a festival could happen again id say it may be unreasonable not to be there for your son and his family .
But, i appreciate no one knows your circumstances and lots of factors come into play. The bottom line is its up to you to decide whats reasonable in your situation. i wouldnt judge your decision either way.
If you said: its too much for me and my son and DIL have other support it would be reasonable to go to the festival.
If you said : Im fit,able and would love to help my son and DIL at this special time and ill go to the festival another time id think that reasonable.
Im wondering if you feel its too much and you are looking for an excuse and validation because you feel guilty?
I dont think you need to feel guilty if for whatever reason you cant help on this occassion .

How often do you go there to help them?

You sound like you really don’t like DIL. I think it’s a bit sad you’d rather go to a festival than be there for the arrival of a grandchild.

Go and have fun. You're entitled to and you can say hello to your grandchild upon your return.

Doesn't your son pull his weight? If not, then he needs to get his act together. Not least if you're not as young as you were.

I think you have made the right decision to stay. It sounds like you are their only real support, and I think you would regret going, if your son missed the birth of his baby because they didn't have childcare.

To add my own experience, my PIL went on holiday at the time of my first birth and I think they regretted it. Things did not go smoothly - DC had emergency surgery at 1 day old, and then time in neonatal. We couldn't take phones into the ward, and would come out to 20 missed calls and answer phone messages from them. When we tried to return calls, they would be out somewhere with no signal. It was worrying for them, and the last thing we needed at the time.

No, I had just thought she would be excited to meet her new granddaughter, it just showed me how “excited” she actually was when she booked a 21 day cruise over my due date.

That's on the selfish and entitled and self-focused son and DIL then.

It would benefit the DIL and son greatly to start thinking about building relationship with a neighbour, someone in a community group or whoever they have connections with. It shouldn't all be on an older GM who lives hundreds of miles away. They need to start building their village. If an emergency happens, they need someone on their doorstep.

It was terrifying for me, because of the impossible situation I was facing.

There are so many posts on here abouthow daunting the prospect of the second child is.

Well yes, but if the "unique and special circumstance" only pops up because the perfectly healthy grandmother would prefer to be at a festival that happens every year, it's going to destroy the relationship with the grandmother.

I don't remember having my second or subsequent babies feeling like a scary time. It was rather exciting and I was just focused on the excitement of meeting my baby and having quiet time with everyone.

If someone can’t cope without help they shouldn’t be having a second!

Assumptions are the mother, or perhaps in this case mother in law, of all fuck ups.

Don’t assume anything. Just ask your son and DIL when the best time to visit would be. There are many reasons they might prefer you to come a bit after the birth, for example, if he has returned to work you can help during the day, if that is what your DIL wants.

Your Son should not be letting you do all the cooking and cleaning when you visit. You can pitch in a bit if you want but thats it.