AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

The giving & asking for money is not something I can relate to. We have always had a what's mine is yours & what's yours is mine marriage where finances are concerned regardless of who earns more.
If I was in your situation OP I wouldn't dream of putting up with gambling far less contributing to the cost, unless it was an annual flutter on the Grand National.

I think it’s a lot more than that. Gambling is an addiction and like any addiction the more you do it the more you need to do it.
it’s not a harmless pastime.

My DH and I enjoy the occasional trip to the casino and the odd sports bet. Our rule is only spend cash. Occasionally I get cash in hand for tutoring, he gets cash in hand as he does odd jobs, yes we declare our cash in hand before someone asks I’m too much of a wuss for tax dodging. As a recreational gambler, it really does sound like he has a serious issue. These kind of gamblers often hide things. I think you should have a proper look at his finances because there’s probably more than you know about.

I’m not anti gambling, I really do think you can do it responsibly and it can be super fun, but your husband has a problem. Have a look at his finances and then proceed from there. I wouldn’t be able to be with a problem gambler personally and I’ve seen first hand the harm it can do. Sending love OP.

Two things. Its not budgeting that's a problem, its GAMBLING. I don't know if he can sort it out or not, what I do know is that he has to want to do it, really and consistently want to do it, and for the most part, it needs specialist support which you are not. Its your choice what you do, but what you are planning to do is unlikely to help.

Wouldn’t be ‘covering’ anyone who gambled.

I’d have a massive ick for a spouse with a gambling problem! It won’t improve.

I don’t usually jump on the LTB bandwagon, but do you really want to be tied to someone like this for the rest of your life?

He also quit a second job because it was “too hard”. He sounds like a loser.

Divorce the gambler

You are being incredibly niave if you think that an addict will easily give up their addiction if they get a bit of support.

Addiction is very complicated and the sad fact is that almost 50% of gambling addicts who admit they have a problem and enrol in a recovery programme will still relapse within a year and carry on gambling.

If your husband isn’t being completely honest about the extent of his gambling, then it’s a non starter and nothing you do or say will ever fix this.

How many ££££’s and years of your life are you willing to throw away before you accept defeat? My dad was an addict and my mum was forever scrabbling around trying to ensure the mortgage was paid and we had enough food. There were no family holidays during my childhood (other than me having to stay with grandparents during school holidays) whilst she worked 2 jobs trying to make ends meet. I wish she’d had the courage to leave him when I was little.

Then you need to stop enabling his gambling by giving him extra money. Insist on a joint account for household bills, which you pay an equal amount into, with everything going out by direct debit (no cards) and then he can do what he wants with his own money. If he won't agree to that, you really need to split up, for own sake.

He's a gambler.
You will always live hand to mouth until he drags you into the gutter with him.
Its what gamblers do.
I so hope you don't have children with him.
Divorce is a very very reasonable suggestion when it comes to gamblers.

Oh and by the way, addicts lie. And they steal. Because the most important thing to them is their addiction. Not you. Not their family. Not their friends. Their addiction.

Divorce is “always an option” because quite simply divorce IS always an option. This man is in debt, he has a gambling problem, he refuses to get help, he gets defensive when you want to talk about it. Gambling is an addiction, and like any addiction the addicted person needs to want to change for the situation to ever get better. He doesn’t want to change. Your marriage is doomed, sorry.

All this talk of restricting his money - he isn’t a child spending all his pocket money on sweets. He’s a grown man. He should be able to manage his own finances. He can’t and he’ll drag you down with him. Leave him.

You are paying the majority of the bills, because if you didn't and it was left up to your husband, the bills wouldn't be paid. Only, you're still bailing him out each month, which in turn is making you have no money by the end of the month either.

You are married to a gambling addict. His gambling habit will come before anything else in his life. The fact you're bailing him out and his addiction is effecting you, won't bother him.

You have choices: carry on as you are, stop bailing him out or stop bailing him out and divorcing.

You can ask him to seek help until you're blue in the face, but if he doesn't want to stop, he won't seek help. His addiction is the same as drugs or alcohol, it's really no different.

My grandfather was a gambler, and so is my BIL. I can tell you, that however much you THINK your husband is spending on his habit, it will be much much more and far worse than you think.

My worry would be that if you refuse to give him money (as you rightly should) then he will get into debt to finance his gambling habit and drag you down slowly with him.

I’d rather divorce and walk away than have my livelihood ruined by a gambling addict.

Gambling and in debt. Seriously OP, leave him now. This will never get better.

The thing is, if he's running out of money after paying for the relatively small amount of things he does pay for, and still asking you to subsidise him, then he's not providing "when he's able to" - he's providing roughly when he feels like it, if he doesn't decide to use the money for gambling first. He should be paying half towards all joint expenses, including food, clothes, holidays etc, and there should be no question of you ever subsidising him.

Will he be willing to access support to sort himself out?

You need to write out all the expenses you each have and what's left over. You have listed a pile of bills you pay each each but the figures are what matter.

It is very easy to spend 30 pound on lunches out or coffees/snacks, so I wouldn't immediately jump to a gambling problem.
You both need to be open and honest about where each of your money is going. If he has a sufficient amount left over each week and then is asking for you to pay then say no, but if he is scraping by and wants 30 pounds for a family takeaway then it might be a yes from time to time.
Prices are going up and you may have to adjust how much you both pay towards different things.
If you know he is running up huge gambling debts then my advice would be different.

If you have no children, just save yourself and divorce him now. Don't forget he will get half your savings in a divorce.sooner is better than later.

I don’t understand how or why you’re living together and earning a similar amount yet he’s somehow getting away with only paying for his own individual bills and a share towards rent. Why isn’t he also paying a share towards utilities? It makes no sense at all. The bills should be split down the middle in your situation. He also likely has a gambling addiction if he’s running dry each month and you can’t figure out how or why.

As others have said, the gambling is the problem here. Sooner or later, he will leave you with far worse problems than not being able to afford milk.

I know it seems like Mumsnet always says 'LTB' and jumps to divorce as the solution to everything, but genuinely, staying married to a gambler is going to end in tears unless he gets professional help for the problem. He's an addict like any other. Good luck with it.

If it was me, the only way I’d be staying in this marriage is if he gave me sole control of his money that covered all his share of bills plus savings for an emergency fund. Anything over this amount, well I suppose it’s his to do as he wishes with but I wouldn’t be happy with him gambling with it in your situation. And I certainly wouldn't be giving him more to throw away.

One of my parents enjoyed gambling - but the difference is they studied their subject, and only bet when they were as certain as possible that it would be successful. Quite large sums at times, but this was ‘spare’ fun money, no debts, not money that should have been earmarked for other things.
I’d be issuing ultimatums in your shoes OP.

OP, please don’t have children with a man who wastes his money on gambling and expects you to subsidise him. Of course he gave up his extra job: why should he work when he can sponge off you?

Please don’t get a joint account either. He will help himself from that.

Really, I believe there is more wrong in your marriage than you think.

When you say he pays for his car, do you have your own car to pay for, or is this the one family car, even if it belongs technically to him?

I think you should be paying an equal share of absolutely every outgoing that benefits both of you. All the rent and utilities, grocery bills, streaming subscriptions, shared takeaways, joint car expenses etc should be split equally. Anything he wants that is of no benefit to you he can fund himself, like his clothes and hobbies, and you pay for your own. Then if he wants to gamble what he has left that's up to him, but given he earns more, you absolutely DO NOT lend him money or pay for more than your fair share of general expenses. Just get a backbone and tell him no.

If he earns more money, he will just spend more money. That isn't a fix.

He is unwilling to recognise he has a gambling problem. Even if it is "only" 30quid a week (and I doubt it), the fact he is running out of money for essentials and his household is unable to buy milk or toilet roll means he cannot afford to be staffing 30 quid away on gambling (or any other hobby).
The fact he is unwilling and unable to stop shows he has a gambling problem.

Unless he accepts this and looks for help to change, nothing will improve, even if your household income rises.

Kindly, you need to recognise that the situation you are in is not normal and not ok. He is an adult - you are trying to wheedle and gently persuade him into spending responsibly like you would with a seven year old and their pocket money.

Apologies - I actually managed to miss the info in the OP about the gambling . Of course @Burgundyflower shouldn't have a joint account with this 'man'. She should be getting rid of him.