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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

304 replies

Burgundyflower · 06/04/2026 22:41

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

OP posts:
Imbrocator · 07/04/2026 12:50

If you are married, your husband can easily incur debts which YOU are liable for. That’s why previous posters have suggested that you would be safer protecting yourself by getting a divorce until your husband admits he has a problem and properly addresses it. It doesn’t mean you don’t love one another, but it does mean that your husband can’t financially ruin you if his addiction worsens or it transpires he’s hiding a much more significant problem.

He earns more than you - you should not be giving him a penny. Have you kept an account of the money you’ve lent him, and has he got a plan in place for paying you back?

TreeDudette · 07/04/2026 12:50

Your DP is not gambline £10 a week. The reason finances don't add up is because he is gambling every single spare penny he has and your spare pennies and I'd guess his friends spare money and possibly even borrowed money. You are making excuses for him (isn't it great he finally looks to pay off a relative even if it's been really slow because he gambles all his money away) and enabling him (giving him money and paying more than your fair share of bills). It looks like you are also lying to yourself about the extent of the problem. It am sorry but this is going to be very painful when you finally realise how bad it is.

TheSandgroper · 07/04/2026 12:49

Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:34

They don’t know. He’s taken longer to pay it off but he’s only got like £200 or so left to pay so fair play to him considering his poor money management so it’s showing there’s some level of commitment.

Show quote history

“Fair play” pigs arse.

He lies to his family. He lies to his friends. He lies to you.

Love bombing. That’s what it is. You are being love bombed. Any thread on here will show you that an addict will tell you anything you would like to hear because you being happy keeps them comfortable. But it’s not the truth.

To come on here and open yourself and your relationship to the vixens here takes guts. And it shows that you are unhappy in your marriage and that you couldn’t put your finger on why. Unfortunately for you, the answer hasn’t been what you hoped for. And we know that’s a very difficult position to be in. You have to work hard mentally and emotionally to realise that your life as you know it is finished, a new life for you is in front of you but also that the hard work is about to start.

I feel for you and send you hugs.

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2026 12:45

MyLittleNest · 07/04/2026 12:34

You should not be married if you are so intent on living separate financial lives.

By that I take it you're referring to the husband? Who thinks his money is his and the OP's money is his too? So he shouldn't be married?

But somehow I don't think that's what you meant.

SheilaFentiman · 07/04/2026 12:43

@Burgundyflower if he laid off gambling the £10-£30 a week, then he could had paid back the relative 2-3 months earlier. He’s gambling with someone else’s money.

MyLittleNest · 07/04/2026 12:34

You should not be married if you are so intent on living separate financial lives.

Original poster
Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:34

Nearly50omg · 07/04/2026 01:57

If he owes a relative money why is he not paying every spare penny back to them as a priority instead of gambling it away??!! Can you not see he has a major problem??!! Does the relative know he’s gambling ?

They don’t know. He’s taken longer to pay it off but he’s only got like £200 or so left to pay so fair play to him considering his poor money management so it’s showing there’s some level of commitment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:32

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 07/04/2026 07:45

Why is he not contributing to bills?

I tried to raise this the other day and he got very upset and tried to deflect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:30

TwoSwannits · 07/04/2026 09:00

When you say he pays for his car, do you have your own car to pay for, or is this the one family car, even if it belongs technically to him?

I think you should be paying an equal share of absolutely every outgoing that benefits both of you. All the rent and utilities, grocery bills, streaming subscriptions, shared takeaways, joint car expenses etc should be split equally. Anything he wants that is of no benefit to you he can fund himself, like his clothes and hobbies, and you pay for your own. Then if he wants to gamble what he has left that's up to him, but given he earns more, you absolutely DO NOT lend him money or pay for more than your fair share of general expenses. Just get a backbone and tell him no.

Edited

We’ve only got one car at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:27

MojoMoon · 07/04/2026 08:59

If he earns more money, he will just spend more money. That isn't a fix.

He is unwilling to recognise he has a gambling problem. Even if it is "only" 30quid a week (and I doubt it), the fact he is running out of money for essentials and his household is unable to buy milk or toilet roll means he cannot afford to be staffing 30 quid away on gambling (or any other hobby).
The fact he is unwilling and unable to stop shows he has a gambling problem.

Unless he accepts this and looks for help to change, nothing will improve, even if your household income rises.

Kindly, you need to recognise that the situation you are in is not normal and not ok. He is an adult - you are trying to wheedle and gently persuade him into spending responsibly like you would with a seven year old and their pocket money.

Yes I agree completely. I told him earning more may help but ultimately he would just gamble more money with higher earnings so the goal is to fix his mentality before his income. He said once he finishes paying off our relative then he’ll be sending me the extra money to go into savings.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 07/04/2026 12:26

Have you spoken to the friends in question @Burgundyflower or seen texts from them?

Because none of us are convinced he’s telling the truth on this

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2026 12:26

He’s now somehow getting his friends to send him money to gamble “for them”.

Then you need to get out now. Divorce might have sounded drastic when it was 'only' £30 from you each week, but this is serious. He's going to end up owing them all money and they could get nasty. And when they stop what next? Payday loans on horrendous interest rates and bailiffs at the door? Remortgaging the house without your knowledge?

He's already showing you the lengths he will go to to be able to keep gambling. He could end up tens of thousands in debt - there have been threads on here with exactly that scenario. Leave before you get sucked in too.

Original poster
Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:22

watchingthishtread · 07/04/2026 11:42

He’s now somehow getting his friends to send him money to gamble “for them”.

That doesn't sound right. Why would they give him money to gamble for them when he's losing money himself? Either he's lying to them by telling them that he's winning big or he's lying to you.

There's a lot more to this story. This needs to be your wake up call.

Edited

I think it’s weird his friends are sending him money when they could play for themselves. But they somehow trust him because they’ve seen him win a couple hundred pounds here and there. Anyway, I’m trying to ensure I have savings to do more for is all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 12:20

BIWI · 07/04/2026 12:03

already this month he asked for money more times than I was comfortable with

We're only 7 days into the month, @Burgundyflower!

You are being very, very naive here.

I’ve already said no and he’s stopped asking. I’ve made it very clear.

OP posts:
minipie · 07/04/2026 12:15

Honestly I would be asking him to get his salary paid into YOUR account and then you are responsible for all bills and savings and you pay him a small allowance for personal spending money/ gambling.

That is the only way I would consider staying in a relationship with a gambler.

This wouldn’t deal with the possibility of him running up debt though.

Honestly unless he acknowledges he has a gambling problem and needs to quit, and seeks help, I would be looking to separate.

He can put himself on a register of problem gamblers and the gambling companies should block him if he does this. (Although he could still get others to gamble for him like his “friends” seem to be doing).

Shithotlawyer · 07/04/2026 12:06

Please try and find out if he has any more debts or credit cards. I really think this is tip of the iceberg.

It's good that you have made a plan for this month. But. Your plan is based on the idea that everything he tells you is true, and this is a smallish problem, he's someone who is a bit hapless with money. This is what you currently believe.

I really hope he is just a little careless and you can both resolve it! But you shouldn't assume. You must find out the real size and scope of it and then decide what to do.

Most importantly - if he really doesn't have a big problem, HE will be happy for you to investigate, won't he? He would want to reassure you.

If he's getting more defensive, rather than more open, the more you probe... why??

BIWI · 07/04/2026 12:03

already this month he asked for money more times than I was comfortable with

We're only 7 days into the month, @Burgundyflower!

You are being very, very naive here.

theemmadilemma · 07/04/2026 11:59

It's sound increasingly like you are being lied to about the amount he's spending on gambling.

I also have no issue with it. My DH likes a gamble on the footy. He'll put in £30 on his account and once it's gone it's gone for the month. Luckily he's not bothered and it's not a big thing for him.

But it sounds very much like your DH isn't really able to account for where all his money is going, and he's not being open enough with you about where it's going.

MajorProcrastination · 07/04/2026 11:56

Missingducks · 07/04/2026 11:24

please do not get a joint account until the gambling is finished - otherwise your contribution will disappear too - at the moment it is ring-fenced.

sounds as though he needs a separate account for play/gambling and when it's gone it's gone ... of course he could win big, more likely he won't

Ah, I didn't really think about that but yes, he should instead give over most of his salary to her personal account.

tiptoethrutulips · 07/04/2026 11:50

If gambling is the reason he never has any money, I'd end the marriage.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/04/2026 11:42

Gardenquestion22 · 07/04/2026 11:42

The finances don't make sense because he's lying to you about what he is spending his money on.

I was just about to say this.

watchingthishtread · 07/04/2026 11:42

He’s now somehow getting his friends to send him money to gamble “for them”.

That doesn't sound right. Why would they give him money to gamble for them when he's losing money himself? Either he's lying to them by telling them that he's winning big or he's lying to you.

There's a lot more to this story. This needs to be your wake up call.

Gardenquestion22 · 07/04/2026 11:42

The finances don't make sense because he's lying to you about what he is spending his money on.

tiptoethrutulips · 07/04/2026 11:37

Butterflywings84 · 06/04/2026 22:44

So he earns more than you but you are paying the majority of the household bills and then he still wants money from you as he runs out. YANBU to not give him more money but you are unreasonable to have ended up in that situation- why aren’t the bills split more evenly between you in the first place?

Not only the above, but: Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling.

Hell, no! You're paying the majority while he makes more AND spends what he has left on gambling ... then expects you to sub him? Again, hell no!

You need to sit down and have a long talk about finances and budgets and fairness. His gambling is clearly a problem if he's blowing through any extra money ... and then thinks you should cover his losses essentially, every single month. Gambling needs to end.

SALaw · 07/04/2026 11:37

Burgundyflower · 07/04/2026 11:16

Yes, I think I somehow ended up paying most of the household bills because he probably wouldn’t be reliable to pay it off each month, especially considering past experiences. He’s now somehow getting his friends to send him money to gamble “for them”.

Show quote history

You must know that this can’t be true. And you must know that his finances “somehow” not adding up is because he’s lying about how much he’s spending and what he’s spending it on. You sound like an intelligent, competent adult. You KNOW what is going on here. Gambling blighted my family a generation back and many many other families. Don’t let that be you.