AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

That’s what my friend’s couch surfing partner thought too. Look where that left her. The legal status of a concubine or comfort woman. Snort all you want. Marriage has protections for women.

Well- young love is just the same as old love isn’t it? I don’t know. My son is 26, has a perfect partner who he has had for just 4 years, and I wish he’d met her a long time ago. If they got married tomorrow it’s because they want to travel and have fun together, not apart. Marriage doesn’t mean giving up on life.

If she’s devout catholic maybe the rush to be married is also to do with having sex?!? Or they could just be madly in love. Either way it’s not something you have control over - he is an adult and you have to let him follow his own heart.

Snort. Thank heaven’s the rest of us have moved past the time when dinosaurs walked the earth and marriage was something men ‘offered’ women.

He is not a child.

There is no point in OP or anyone else bleating on about what she wants for her adult son. It has and never will have again, have anything to do with her. Nothing. So she can either have the titty lip on about it and drive her son away or she can put on her big girl pants, realises it’s not her life and move on.

Yabvu
23/24 is not “so very young” and it’s actually good that your son is man enough to make a commitment to a young woman. I have just been to a funeral of a friend who I thought had married his wife, she was always introduced as such, for the last 17 years. But, no they never married. He was in a work accident 7 years ago that left him needing 24hr round the clock care, which she eventually gave up her career to do herself. He passed away at the young age of 41 and lo and behold his parents inherited everything of his. Before the funeral, they showed up and kicked this poor woman out of her home. She has been homeless and couch surfing while desperately trying to find work after a 6 year gap of being her partners full time carer.

Marriage is what kind, well brought up men offer to young women they truly want to share their life with and ensure they are taken care of if they die early.

I agree. It sounds to your great credit, like you've raised such a lovely and considerate lad, hes hardly jumping into this in haste.
You are rightly proud and this should extend to this decision.
Dont ruin it. Be the best mum and MiL and not THAT other person that we read about so often.
Be full of joy for them and enjoy the day

But that’s what the OP doesn’t want for her child! Staying together is no indication of it having been a good choice!

My brother got together with his now wife when they were 15-16. She already had a child at that point. They had two babies in quick succession and everyone predicted they wouldn't last. They are in their mid 40s now and happily together. They ended up getting married in their late 20s I think. Seems to me they are still going strong!

Whereas I waited ages to marry my very longtime partner and we're getting divorced now after 10 years of marriage. You can't predict this stuff I'm afraid.

The couples I know who loved each other since childhood, including my own parents, are the ones who made it.

I know 3 such couples- they’ve only had eyes for each other, and you can see they only will. That to me is worth celebrating that they support each other, know each other, and no matter what they come first to each other. No relationship hopping, changing your mind, playing the field, hurting others. Just steady and sure love, respect and life building.

embrace it.

Why would marriage prevent that?

Sorry OP, this isn’t about you. I personally think early 20s is too young to marry as a person should be building a career, travelling and having fun in that decade but he’s an adult now, and able to make his own choices.

Ah OP try not to feel sad , I know you can’t help how you feel but it is a lovely thing that he is doing really , taking his wife to be mothers maiden name & she is changing her surname too .
My daughter is 24 , her partner is 28 .
They are together since she is 18 .
He has a very successful business where we live , she has her own candle making business, she does very well to be fair, & she works in a health store part time .
They are both very happy , touring Thailand for 5 weeks at the min , they travel a lot & really enjoy life .
They speak of marriage & kids already.
None of us can see what the future holds but can only hope it all works out for them .x

Interesting, dh and I met as teens and married in our early-mid twenties. We've learnt together, travelled together, moved abroad together, grown together. Neither of us feels we've missed out on anything or that it has limited us in any way.

He may not. It would be a complete ballache to be known under one name professionally and then change it. So even if he changed back legally, he may opt to keep the married name professionally.

Tell me one thing I missed out on by marrying at 22?!

Other than the nobs of other men, which incidentally I found terribly disappointing in the years before my husband!

I will never marry because I think it's a bad contract, and I won't change my name. I think it's a great idea; he sounds like a modern man. Wish them well and stop judging, and as a solicitor, he won't get shafted.

Hand wringing and over-imaginative too.

Who's to say what he'd want to do if they divorce? We hear of so many men having nicer surnames than women, maybe this is one of those unicorn cases where the reverse applies and he'd want to hold onto it because it sounds prettier. Maybe he never actually liked or felt attached to his birth surname, as so many people don't. Maybe he won't have any children with this hypothetical future second wife, or if they do then they'll want to hyphenate.

We're in proper barrel scrape territory here.

Someone may have said it as I haven't seen every response but can he not hyphenate his surname to include both?

2) He will want his prior surname back if this marriage does not survive and he wants to remarry. 3) Add his name to his children's names as a middle name or hyphenate, so if, or when, this young romance/upcoming marriage runs it course, and he remarries and has more children his first children will have his name as a middle name. If he remarries and his next wife wants him to take her name, too, his children won't have his name. Of course, there is the possibility that his next wife, should they divorce and he remarry, would be willing to take his ex-wife's last name, but I wouldn't put money on it. What he wants as a 23 year old versus what he will want as a 33 year old are likely to be very different.

All this hand wringing and yet this is the standard expectation of women on a daily basis.

I'd be a bit gutted too. I have friends who got married to their boyfriends from school and now we are reaching 40 alot of then are getting divorced. I just think you only get 1 life and limit yourself so much by marrying young. I was in a long term relationship with my boyfriend from school since the age of 17. I was totally besotted with him but also had a burning career ambition so broke it off at 20 to go to uni. I would never have had the career I've had or travelled so much or moved abroad had I stayed. Your 20s should be for living, plenty of time to settle down later. I know alot of people will disagree but I think unless you are a plodder or someone who's happy to stay in their comfort zone then I would not get married so young. People change so much from 20s to 30s, I think by the time you're mid 30s you have a better idea of what you want but 20s should be for figuring it out on your own terms.

My god i think you misspelt “Im happy for my son marrying a woman he loves”. Honestly get a grip and some perspective

Kelly1969 "Aaaaand for what reason would 1) the marriage dissolve 2) would he want his old surname back 3) change the name of his children and 4) why would any of this have anything to do with OP to the degree that she should ‘make sure’ he does anything?"

1. The couple has been together since they were very young, 15 & 16. While there are marriages that last with couples who have been together since their teens, the statistical majority do not. 2) He will want his prior surname back if this marriage does not survive and he wants to remarry. 3) Add his name to his children's names as a middle name or hyphenate, so if, or when, this young romance/upcoming marriage runs it course, and he remarries and has more children his first children will have his name as a middle name. If he remarries and his next wife wants him to take her name, too, his children won't have his name. Of course, there is the possibility that his next wife, should they divorce and he remarry, would be willing to take his ex-wife's last name, but I wouldn't put money on it. What he wants as a 23 year old versus what he will want as a 33 year old are likely to be very different. 4) Re OP, OP is his parent, so she is far more likely than her son to remember years later what to tell him to ask his legal counsel, if he is interested, at the time of dissolution. Aaaand she is the one writing in distressed about his name change.

On the last point, cue the very next post:

Sixpence39 · Yesterday 05:38
My aunt got married at 20 and is still very happily married 40 years later. Also changed her name! Just be happy for them. They've not exactly rushed into it.

Spot on :)

It’s ok for you to feel a bit sad, you are entitled to feel whatever you feel. However, I don’t entirely understand it if I’m honest.
I got married aged 20 and am still happily married 34 years later. There’s very little he can’t do married that he could do single 🤷🏻‍♀️ If it were me, I’d be grateful he’d found ‘the one’ and fully embrace it.