AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

Ah, it's natural to worry about your kid but honestly, you've obviously done a great job with him! Relax and enjoy the wedding!

I feel exactly the same after meeting my husband at 19 - I just got lucky! Almost 3 decades later and he’s definitely still a catch.

“Unsure why he feels the need to do it too”

If you have a daughter would you feel the same way if it were her in this situation rather than your son? Would you think “I don’t see why she feels the need to have the same surname as her husband and children”? I highly doubt it, which just means it’s sexism.

I think I would feel a pang if any of my children changed their name - I know it's silly but it would feel like a bit of a rejection of our old family unit. It's also massively hypocritical of me because I did change my own name when I got married and I'm a bit sorry now because it was mine and I ought to have kept it!
But I recognise the discomfort would be an emotive response, not rooted in logic or reason. I do think that your son and dil's circumstances (honouring her late mum) is actually rather beautiful and that would make it okay with me, I think.

Some 23 year olds are very mature and there's no real reason why their marriage won't work out - I met my dh at 18 and we are still together. At 23 I was a mum - I knew what I was going! A person can get married much later and it still not work out - arguably older people are more set in their ways as individuals and might struggle more to grow together or compromise? Idk, there are no guarantees in life.

Try to be happy that he's happy - there are far worse things your kids can do than get married a bit young!

So what? I fell in love with my DH at 19. I hardly think it would have been conducive to my happiness to dump him because I was ‘too young’ . I love the fact we have spent our entire adult lives together and thank my lucky stars I nabbed him before anyone else got to him!

I met husband at 19, engaged at 22, married at 24. Had both children by the time we were 30. Almost 30 years later very blissfully happy. Some people meet their life partner early and some late. I’d be thrilled if my children did the same.
as for surname, who cares honestly? It doesn’t change who they are. We accept that daughters are likely to change their names when marry so why should we care of sons do it too.

editing to add- we both were doing professional exams as well. I did one exam on the Monday and got married on the following saturaday!

YANBU- way to young to get married or even be in a long term relationship.

As for the name thing YABU as its really not that big a thing.

I think it’s lovely!

Yes. I’m not responsible for the patriarchal decisions that governed names in my culture before I was born. I own my birth name. It’s not my ‘maiden’ name or some kind of starter name. It’s the name I was born with. It’s mine on the same basis that DH’s name is his. DS has both our names.

I hate this bullshit, misogynistic take that somehow men own all names and women who keep their own names after marriage are just choosing their father's or grandfather's name instead of their husband's. It's bullshit. Women have just as much entitlement to and ownership over their names, whether they're the ones they're born with, the ones that come from their family heritage, or the ones they choose after marriage. Men don't own names.

It’s particularly funny to see the vituperatively misandrist midwife chime in thus.

If she was changing her name to your son’s I bet you wouldn’t question why.

Same.

Yes it’s young for marriage nowadays, but you should feel happy for them.

It’s a bit different to change surnames but that’s what they have decided so you have to get on with it and look forward to being a nice supportive MIL.
They must be excited about the future so it’s time to bury these feelings and celebrate with them.

He'll be halfway through a professional qualification and they're likely to buy outright once he's finished. If you think they're too young to get married, it's not because of mortgages.

It's incredible how often anything to do with women not taking the husband's surname inspires people to completely make things up.

In just the last few posts, we've had someone claim DILTB thinks this is a feminist mic drop when the only information OP has given about reasoning relates to her late mother's Italian heritage. Someone else claimed that she expected him to take the name, again with no basis, and the only expectation we've been told about is OPs. And another poster has a fully fleshed out surname/2nd wife future kids scenario, again invented.

Gosh I can’t believe that people think that 23 is not particularly young to get married! You have zero life experience, probably haven’t properly qualified for a job and possibly haven’t got enough money behind you to put down a deposit on a house.

My husband and I got married when I was 19, he was 23. Still together 57 years later!

Well they’re going to be married so a pregnancy isn’t really out of the question.

But all this nonsense about being tied down and stunted from settling down early - is this coming from single people then? Because if it’s all so terrible, it begs the question why anyone would do it at any age.

I understand how you feel about his age. They have been together a while though, so he probably feels she's the one for him. No need to wait any longer.

Regarding the surname, I also understand your feelings.

@ainsleysanob Nobody should be expected to change their name, or title, upon marriage. I wouldn't have married a man who did (and I changed neither).

Who said she ‘expects him to do so’? And so what if she does? Millions of men have expected their wives to since Jesus was a boy. Why would you be disappointed?

Having got married to my first husband at 20 and he was 24, I must admit I wouldn't do it again given my time over. I realise I was too young, and this was in the 70's when it was much more normal. But it can and does work. Anyway, they sound far more grounded than I was.

You’re not being unreasonable to be mildly sad or disappointed. Anyone saying you’re unreasonable for having feelings is probably around my age (29) and belong to the individualism club who love to go no contact with anyone who disagrees with them.

You’re only unreasonable if you act on your sadness. I’m a mother of a 2.5 year old and pregnant with my next so I’m miles off where you are now but I would like both my children to marry above 25 when they’re prefrontal cortex is developed. With that said, I got married at 24 when my husband was 28 and we only met when I was 21. We are one of the happiest couples I know in real life if I’m being completely honest. I think it’s okay to feel disappointed about the name since it’s likely the same as yours but how beautiful that they’re honouring her late mother. I think that’s so sweet and that’s coming from someone who very traditionally changed my name to my husbands and I’m very happy with my decision.

I moved abroad after getting married, my family miss my children, they miss me being home, but we get home as often as possible. We had to make the best choice for our family and my husband has great work opportunities abroad and less so in the UK. My point being is, they wouldn’t have chose to have me 2 planes away at all times but they never ever asked me not to do it. I hope to show the same support to my own children if they decide to make choices I would not have chosen for them when they’re older too. It’s okay to feel slightly down about it for a fleeting moment, but pick yourself back up and support them to the max because your relationship will thrive because of it.

Hope they have a beautiful wedding and a wonderful marriage OP.