AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

My aunt got married at 20 and is still very happily married 40 years later. Also changed her name! Just be happy for them. They've not exactly rushed into it.

Of course YANBU and I can't understand the responses on here! Of course he's young! Only 23! I wouldn't have been happy if my DC had got married that young. It's not the 1950s, there's no need to get married that young. What's the rush?!

Odd that he's changing his surname to hers, but that's his choice I guess. The posters on here would be up in arms if it was a WOMAN changing her surname on marriage, because most of the women on Mumsnet didn't change their name to their husband's when they got married - even though 90% of women in the UK do! 😆

You will of course get a multitude of posters coming on here now telling you about all the people they know who got married young (at 18-20 probably) and are still blissfully happy 20/25/30/35/40 years later!

.

I got married when I was 23, and I am still married at 47 (to the same man). I think if they are happy together it is great. There are loads of bonuses to it, no ex wife’s or husbands or kids to deal with.
I also think you start of with nothing together at that age and build your life together it is way better. Honestly OP he sounds like a smart young man and he will be fine.

It’s not your wedding and marriage though is it? Why do you care and would you feel the same if it was a daughter? I think this is casual misogyny.

I eloped and got married overseas just the two of us, I’m sure my mum was a bit miffed but she didn’t ever say anything because it’s about me not her.

How did you imagine life differently? I find that so bizarre. What more could you want than a stable successful child in a loving relationship

Oh come on. This is not about you. Your adult child has found someone they are a in a steady presumably happy relationship with and wants to marry them. They can make whatever decisions they want and unless you have a genuine valid concern (i.e. they are abusive, controlling etc. or don’t think in it for the right reasons) then it is their choice and your role is to be there to support and share in the milestone.

I thought you were going to say he was 18! He’s 23, an adult man.

You wouldn't be saying that about your daughter and her name... Have a think why it's bothering you.

They're both changing their names.

What's in a name?

He's marrying and taking on a new adult role of husband. Why not take on a new name to mark that? He's stepping away from the patriarchy and identifying himself with his wife and her maternal line. I like it and love the significance. Congrats to her and his soon to be wife.

He'll still be your son.

YANBU . I totally understand your point of view. I would be gutted if my 23 year old son got married to his girlfriend now. Everyone I know , except one couple, who got married in their early twenties is now divorced I suspect that if your son got divorced later he would go back to his original surname.

I wouldn't like him changing his name either, just as I would hope none of my dds change their names if they marry.

Did you change your name when you got married?

You can't help how you feel, and tbh, as someone who married at 23 after being with my boyfriend since I was 16 I would probably feel the same way. But it sounds like he is happy and successful, what more can you hope for?

He’s older than I was when my husband and I got married - 20 years later we are still together and happy as ever.

They seem to have been together quite a while and want to take the next natural step for them so I fail to see your issue.

I hope they have a lovely wedding day and a long, happy marriage.
It’s also really sweet they’re honouring her late Mum and both changing their surname.
I hope your son and DIL don’t notice your disappointment and sadness at their lovely news. If they do, your next post will be “my son and DIL never visit and I don’t know why”.

Unless he has a rare, historic or cultural surname it's entirely fine. I don't think of my friends as a being 'one of the family of XName'.
Plenty of marriages end in divorce. The younger they marry, the more time for it to fail 😅

He’s an adult . You did your job of raising him - roots and wings !
Sounds like a sensible young chap. You should still be proud of him .

YABU
Why shouldn't they get married young? And to be sad he's changing his name is unreasonable. Did you change your name when you got married?
You need to adjust your attitude pronto. They are adults making their own lives together. You absolutely shouldn't been feeling sadness about choices he's making that are positives for him.