AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

They mean the ones carrying on the bloodline. So giving birth to the next generation.

Oh. Wait...

So it's cool for women to be simps and submissive to their husbands but not the other way around? Hmmmm what does that sound like? 🤔

Doesn't it though??? I guess maybe it's a bit misandrist as well actually - men 'must' be dominant, 'must' be leaders within the family etc. Women 'must be more prepared to bend and submit' women 'should' be prepared to take a financial/career hit than men.

Its certainly not a neutral view point is it? It's rooted in gender stereotypes which we know are harmful to both genders.

What would worry me about this is not so much the ages of your son and future daughter in law, but the fact that they have been together since they were in school. I would prefer my children to have spread their wings a bit before they get married or settle down with someone, if only because there is always a danger otherwise that at some point one or both of them may well start wondering what they missed out on and may start looking around elsewhere for relationships.

I didn't realise Andrew Tate was on mumsnet

What do you mean by lineage?

Oh no, I'm very happy being a know it all, I'd be very ashamed of being a misogynist!

I think you are being unreasonable @Cathryoi I was 23 when I married my dh who was 24 and we have been married for just over 30 years. We met when he was 18 and I was 17. I think it's lovely they are having her late mums maiden name as their surname too. I would be supportive of them both, and be happy. It's a joyous occasion

I married at 21: now 54. Honestly why do you give a shite?

YABU, I would be happy he is happy.

I think you’re not being unreasonable at all. 23 is young to be getting married by today’s standards, even more so for a man and you probably expected that he kept his surname (you might have expected the same if you had a daughter too, I have female cousins who kept their own surnames when they married) however I suggest you do NOT mention any of this to your son!

The best way to keep things cordial and pleasant between you all is not to mention the surname thing at all -it’s really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things even if it bothers you. You could tell them both that they are still quite young and have plenty of time to plan a bigger wedding/the day of their dreams -of course they may be perfectly happy with the wedding they currently are planning.

You could also tell them you’d like to see them in better/more permanent housing if their current situation isn’t long term or stable. But above all tell them you love them both and emphasise that you want to see them happy. Try to participate in the wedding preparations if they are happy to accept your offer of help. Your daughter in law to be’s mum is deceased, that is hard on any young girl her age and it will be an emotional time for her for sure. Get her on side by taking her out for a meal or coffee, maybe a beauty treatment if that’s your thing and bond with her.

Marriages at all ages are a risk and to be fair they have been together a while. If they have decided on the big things like children (if any), religion, their future plans etc the best thing you can do is give it your blessing and pray everything works out well.

Lineage is through the male, where people like or not. Having said that, I don’t know why anyone should change their surname. I kept mine and dh kept his. He doesn’t own me and vice versa.

My husband's family had this exact reaction when we got married (he took my surname and was 25).

He only started talking to them again this year. Maybe try supporting them instead of ostrisising them. Also what the hell is wrong with giving up the surname? Nobody bats an eyelid when a woman is expected to give up her name but when the man chooses it's a tragedy.

You mean you were not a good little girl doing exactly what society tells you to do for the benefit of the men?

Get on the naughty step (but finish the dishes first)

@WhereDoIBeginTo Therefore, as a Ms MyName, I wonder if @ohyesido do feels I must be awfully ashamed of my husband? 😆

I don’t blame you for being upset. I would find but difficult to watch my son get married to his teenage girlfriend. The name change wouldn’t bother me though. Hugs to you OP.

He needs to change his name first

It’s actually nothing to do with you when they marry or what name they use. Your negativity is alarming. Ur attitude need to change.

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I can see why you are feeling uncertain about it.
I don't think getting married young is so bad but they have been together since they were young teens and so have known nothing else.

And while I know there are umpteen posters on here saying they did the same & are still together etc etc, I just don't think it's great to settle down with your first boyfriend/girlfriend. My mind boggles at the thought of still being with the boy I thought I was in love with at 16! There is a danger one or both of them will wonder what might have been when they get into their mid-life years.

And it all sounds very weighted to his fiancée - changing his religion to hers, changing his name to hers.

So I definitely get the feelings of disquiet you have but all you can do is offer your love & support because it's his life and they are his decisions.
Unless he asks directly for your advice then it's a case of putting your game face on and supporting him as much as you can. xx

I must be in good company then because millions of women take their husband’s name.

This drives me up the wall
its their life they can live it how they want and do as they want I assume you won’t believing with them or paying their bills so what’s it to you. I wouldn’t get married at 23 but I certainly wouldn’t be disappointed in my child if she were to.

And this is the misogyny. Her son is also doing it happily. There really is no rational non-misogynistic reason to find it “submissive” snd “diminishing” for a man to happily take his wife’s name yet not see it as “submissive and diminishing” for a woman to take her husband’s.

It’s the same thing.

Why didnt you want your dh to take your name?

@ohyesido Would he have been as equally proud to take yours?* *