AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

I got married at 23. Both me and DH obtained professional qualifications. We’re nearly 50 with grown up kids. No regrets. Why aren’t you happy? It’s nice they’re going to share a surname. I’m not sure what you’d prefer? Lots of random sex on the apps?

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren!

Does it matter though? They'll still be your grandchildren, regardless of surname 😕

So he's not doing things the way you wanted? Has he fulfilled every other wish you had for him exactly the way you imagined it? Is it that you want him to have slept with more people before marriage? Because other experiences they can do together

It's not that young to get married and I don't see the problem with him changing his name it's obviously very important to her and they want to have the same surname. Nothing he is doing can't be undone.

It's certainly unusual to get married so young these days, and might be a concern, but if they're working hard and earning, I guess you should be proud they're doing well, OP.

As for changing his surname, would you have objected if a daughter had changed her name? If not, then it's illogical to be upset about your son doing so.

Do you also think it’s submissive for a woman to take her husband’s name?

EDIT: Oh, I see you think that’s fine. A case of textbook misogyny, then.

I’d be a bit disappointed and concerned if either of my kids got married so young.

the surname thing wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I’d be a hypocrite if it did having changed my own when I got married

Hi op I agree with you about age it’s a shame as neither of them can know for sure but as a catholic if she’s a true catholic this is the only way they can consummate there relationship otherwise it could go on for years the name is another matter but unfortunately you can’t decide just hope they are happy and have a great marriage. The sad thing is they may regret it and it will be more difficult for her to divorce than your ds. But no marriage is guaranteed at any age. They seem mature enough.

Got married when we were both 21, been married 35 years. Can recommend.

Don't worry, it won't last.

At least half of grandparents don’t have the same name as their grandchildren. This is an utter non-issue. You might not even have grandchildren.

23 was a perfectly normal age to get married back when I was that age. It only seems to be the last 15-20 years that people are waiting till they’re older than that to get married.

I think I’d feel sad about the name thing, too, just for a bit. But I reckon you should just be happy that your son is happy to be getting married and will have a secure future.

I've voted YABU on the basis that you're sad because he's giving up his name in favour of his future wife's.
Why does that bother you? I took my husband's name when we got married and I was in my twenties, nobody thought to be sad for me.
It was just the norm. Is it the fact that he's a man giving up his name doesn't feel "right" for you?
If my DS to his girlfriend gave up his name I can't see it bothering me.

I have a friend who married when they were 20. A beautiful wedding focused on their love for each other. They had been with their now husband since the age of 16 and have been married a very happy 24 years this year.

the name thing is neither here nor there since I assume you would be happy to a daughter to take her husbands name.

it sounds like you’ve raised a respectful young man who knows what he wants and wants to make a lifetime commitment to his sweetheart.

a marriage isn’t just a big showy wedding. It’s a love and respect for one another and a lot of hard work. IME those who have a deep love that doesn’t need a show off wedding have stayed the course. Marriage is something that needs nurturing every single day. Seems like your son knows that.

He isn’t that young, he will be 24 or almost 24. My parents’ generation most people got married around then. ( My Dad was married at 26, his brother at 23, neither were considered particularly young ).Obviously now people tend to leave it later, but it’s not as though he is a teenager, and I have noticed a trend of people getting married in their early to mid twenties again.
Of the friends and family of mine who got together in their teens , over half are still together and happy. One was widowed youngish and has remarried, and a few have divorced. So probably similar to people getting together later. I don’t think it’s any more likely to go wrong in your twenties than in your thirties.
The name, I do understand why that upsets you, it might feel as a rejection of you as a family, although it sounds as though you get on well so he probably hasn’t thought of that at all. Perhaps they could use both names ? How does your DH feel as it’s his surname that would be lost ? (I assume, as that’s most common).
Of course the name choice is theirs to make, but if it’s going to hurt you and your DH then maybe have a chat with your son and his fiancé together and explain you feel sad about it and ask if they would think about double barrelling their names . If they decide not to though, there isn’t much you can do other than adjust to the new name. I have kept my maiden name as have several of my friends but most women do lose their family name on marriage, so if it was your daughter getting married you would accept her new name.

I understand totally OP. 23 is very young. He is just out of uni - different if he had been out in the world since he was 18. My ds is 24 and he still seems very young ( and foolish) to me. Also I can’t understand the name change - where I live men keep their names and women keep their names, as did I 30 years ago. However, you will just have to accept it and move on because there is nothing you can do about it.

I don’t think they’re that young. I had just turned 24 when I got married and I was definitely ready. As for the name I don’t see anything wrong with what they are planning. It seems like a good idea and is fairer than the woman just automatically taking the man’s name.

OR they'll do what millions of couples do and grow and explore life together and still be happy. Regardless, the OP just needs to be there for her son whichever way it goes. To cheer them on through the good and hold his hand through the bad.

I sometimes think people just like finding things to be miserable about. Having a successful, thriving and happy 23 year old who is mature enough to make his own decisions is not one of them.

YABU in the fact that 23 isn’t young to marry. I have never married and had a child as a teenager so 23 would have felt very old to me at that age.

Twenty three is not that young...

DH was 16 and I was 18 when we first got together. We've been together 30 years and married for 20. I don't feel like I've missed out in the slightest. We've shared a life together. It's been and still is lovely.

It could be a lot worse, right? I mean in terms of where you’d want your 23 year old to be, marrying an intelligent graduate isn’t exactly a terrible scenario.

I can completely understand how you must be feeling. He’s (presumably) had no experience of being a single young man, no experience of any other relationships. He is young to be finalising his choice for life. I’d also be sad that they’re picking a different name. You’d have previously thought that your future grandchildren would have the same name as you.

You are entitled to your feelings, OP. Although - goes without saying - you must say nothing. Just love and support them and wish for them endless love and happiness together.