AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

Either this is a stealth boast or @Cathryoi doesn’t know a good thing when it comes along.

DH was 24 when we go married. That was 26 years ago. We still married, and we did actually talk about us both changing our name to something new (we chose the name of the university building where we’d first met) to give us a neutral start, but in the end I just didn’t change my name at all until DS was born, 8 years later.

My DS did exactly the same thing- married what I would call early-they were both 25 and had been together years !
They have been married 4 years now
That would have been unusual when I was their age in the 90s but seems more normal now?!

I would be concerned too, it sounds like he has been under some pressure to marry her and convert to her religion. If this was a 23 year old woman I think the responses would be different. Is she a lot more assertive than him?

If she's not got a career sorted he's likely to be the much higher earner. He should keep his surname professionally.

All you can do is suggest keeping his surname for professional use, not to rush in to kids and don't mingle finances. He's a solicitor so would have covered family law in his degree. If it's a "starter" marriage then he just wants as clean break as possible.

The name is irrelevant, who cares about a name? It's just a label.

It's young, but they're both adults, lots of people get married young. Try to be happy for them.

I can understand having concerns re the marrying young (although it's often very successful) but the surname thing is a total non issue surely? So weird to raise it as a concern at all.

He’s clearly a very bright boy - admittedly it would confuse me too, the change of name , but hey- ho, these are modern ways .. trust in him, he’s doing you proud, enjoy the wedding and that he’s very happy 😊

It sounds very romantic.

If you've brought your son up to be a lovely adult then you're being ridiculous. My hsuabnd and I dated from when we were 18 to 24 before getting engaged. On his side they were all older before getting engaged but we were far younger getting together than any of them. Whilst I adore them even now I'm still a little upset at their reaction to our engagement which was basically we were a little young and they expected it to be many more years if at all he was ready to settle. And that was in a massively Catholic Irish family. In terms of names, I changed mine to his as we were both delightfully in love with the idea of being Mr & Mrs at the time. That's the only thing I'd say about being older is with hindsight I'd have kept my name for my profession and changed it for home but maybe we would have gone mine as he didn't like his.
In any event I digress.
Yes you're BU to be upset about your son "marrying young" and changing his name. He sounds like he has it handled.

Your son is older than we were when we got married in 1980, and we’ve never had any regrets. If you know that you’ve met the right person, why wait? Most of our friends were also married in their early 20s and with one exception are either still married or were with their wife/husband until one of them died. I think it’s very touching that your son and his fiancé have chosen to honour her late mother by taking her maiden name.

The happiest couple I know were high school sweethearts who got married young. Tbh it sounds like they both value family and have similar values so it may work out beautifully.

I’ve never shared a surname with my children (as my ex, who I didn’t marry, had a massive tantrum at the idea of anything other than his surname, which regrettably backed down to). I don’t feel any less close to them for having different surnames.

Wow the misogyny in this thread ! So a woman changing her surname is ok but a guy is not ? Why ?

I have.
We're still together since 1968.
Admittedly it's quite unusual.

I got married at 21, 15 years later one of the best decisions I ever made. I got to marry my best friend.
Your son has been with his fiancee for years already, they are obviously very serious about each other.
Think how lucky they are to have found each other so early on in life, some people have to wait years, they can grow together. Changing surnames may seem a little strange but it's obviously in rememberance of your DIL late mother. Instead of thinking of it negatively think how caring your Son is that he wants to honour his late MIL like this. It means you have brought up the most caring loving Son. You should be so proud of him.

this thread is very identifiable OP and you might want to ask MNHQ to remove it. You can report your own posts.

I haven’t said anything and I won’t as I know it won’t go down well.

What exactly do you want to say to them?

If there were no consequences what would you say to your son’s face?

The name thing can be seen as unusual but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?

My dad took my mam's name on when they married as he HATED his own.

And my fiance goes by a different surname than his legal name (boring story; I'll elaborate if anyone gives a flying fuck).

DP hasn't legally changed his name yet. And we aren't married yet. So currently, me, DP and our two toddlers all have different legal surnames which causes questions sometimes (as in registering their births etc). As neither of our children together have either of our surnames.

"So you're Bob Smith, you're Sarah Jones, and your children are Fred and Julie Tate.....?"

(I know you can actually choose completely different/random surnames for your children when registering the births but I imagine that isn't common).

This is enough info to identify the exact church they attend. Might want to remove some identifying info. (I know someone who posted on FB and someone read and approached people IRL to tell them about the post).

I was married at 23 in 2014. We have been together since I was 19. Still very happy with 2 kids. Didn’t feel we missed out on anything as we still lived life and did all that we wanted to do before having kids. Did all the drinking and adventures with friends when I was at uni. We wanted the security and commitment of marriage but still did all the same things we would have done if we hadn’t married like travelling abroad. I can’t see how it will stop them living their lives as they’re already together. What do you wish they would do now that they won’t be able to do married?

So you’d be sad if a woman married your son and took his (your) surname? really? I doubt it.

How may times are supposed to hyphenate are names then, how many generations?

Eh? I literally just said I did think it was sad when women changed their names.

I think with the surname, I guess DS is my only son and I always imagined having the same surname as my grandchildren
@Cathryoi

I have three adults children in their twenties and have never once imagined having the same surname as my potential future grandchildren.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I can't see how on earth it makes a difference!

Most gandchildren will not have the same last name as half their grandparents, it's completely normal.

OP I don't know if you're being overbearing and possessive. I mean, you might be.

But I'll just say -

I am one of four children. Only one changed her name on marriage. She was also marrying someone from a strict Christian background, also at 23.

Over the years, I personally feel their relationship is increasingly controlling. DSis socialises entirely in her church - she has developed what I would see as extreme beliefs following her husband - and is very isolated from everyone her husband doesn't approve of. We see her rarely and if we Facetime it is clear he is offscreen listening in.

Now I am not saying the situations are the same, but yes, anyone converting to a conservative religion to match their partner, then marrying young and changing their name - knowing what I know now with DSis, I would keep an eye.

There has to compromise at some point otherwise all of our names - and our children’s names - would be hyphenated to infinity. Never any upset when the woman adopts the ILs’ name, it’s all smiles.