AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

Motherhood does funny things to us OP. He is young to be marrying so I understand your worries, though he sounds very settled and like it isn’t something they’ve rushed into at all.

Millions of women who have grandchildren through their daughters don’t share a surname with them and it’s all fine - you’ll absolutely not care if / when grandchildren come along and you get to enjoy them, whatever their names.

He sounds like a sensible lad in a well matched relationship with a stable future and goals. As you rightly say, you’re very proud. I think you can trust his decisions.

When we married husband and I both added on to form a D-B. I would never had changed to his name or added on had he not agreed to do the same.

I got married at 22. It’s my 20th wedding anniversary this year. What exactly do you think it’s stopped me from doing?!

Well he isn’t hugely young and they’ve been together almost a decade already, it isn’t like he’s marrying someone he met a few months ago. I think it’s fine.

Not really- it's a choice to change your name on marriage , there is no legal push to do so.
Choosing to change your name is just that a choice, it's only your name by choice- why would you be in a rage to pass it on?

Yes it is.

You (general sense) say you’d feel sad if family the name was supposedly lost.

But every single name changes between families. It is not possible to just ‘keep your own name’ and thats that. Someone always has to change their name at some point (some point being after 2 generations).

It’s just a really obscure thing for anyone to be bothered about

Ok, so your son is marrying a girl you like, he is happy, has finished uni and secured a training contract (not easy) and is on the path to becoming a solicitor. She is financially secure. How terrible! It seems their relationship has survived uni and her going travelling which are good signs.

As for the name, if you had a daughter they would more likely than not give it up.
Yes yabu. You know they can travel once they are married right? Assuming they want to of course.

And it’s not the ‘gotcha!’ that the people who invariably post this appear to believe.

Then that’s on the children to decide when they have children. Maybe they each pick one of their double barrels to give to their children. So the kid of Mr Caravaggio-Jones and Ms Picasso-Smith is Smith-Jones (or whatever)

I was a bit sad when DD changed her name. But it's her choice and makes no appreciable difference in the day to day.
As far as the marriage goes in general, what would make you less sad? If he ended the relationship and was alone without the person who is so important to him? Or back out there trying to find alternative women for dates/a relationship? Because many young people find that a miserable and stressful experience.
Or living as a couple but not married? Because that wouldnt look much different.
If you feel he is tying himself into adult respiratory too soon, it's his career path that's the reason for that, not his relationship status. Being married is far less a barrier to seeing the world and having experiences than committing to a demanding career.

Well you can choose, or combine. My kids have my name as that's what we chose..it's really no big deal

What name to the children have? Mum’s or dad’s?

So you’d need to hyphenate or own would be taken over the other.

Then the child with the hyphenated name marries and has children. Unless their children are going to have 3 surnames, somebody always has to compromise in that way.

I think she means that the children might be hyphenated

I wouldn't weep into my pillow over it but yeah, I would think it was a shame.

Why would you hyphenate anything? You just... get married. No one changes their name. No hyphenation required

What I’m getting from Mumsnet:

>“Young people should be able to get married, have properties and afford children”
>Couple does the above.
>“No, not like that!”

I agree with your sentiment, I think it’s lovely and this couple have been together for a while. In a way, I think the negativity is quite telling. Things like it will fail, he’ll get bored and want to have sex with other women, they’ll be limited and emotionally stunted… what kind of marriages do some of you have 😂😂

Surely it's your husband's name anyhow- do you have an inheritance which goes with a name to pass onto your son?

Nope, it’s her name, regardless of whether she changed it on marriage.

They are adults carving out their own lives- be proud you gave him the tools to know what he wants and reach for it.
Why are you worried about him changing his name?
Surely it's your husband's name anyhow- do you have an inheritance which goes with a name to pass onto your son?
If not I don't really see the problem.

My son age 21 is engaged and I think he's too young although his fiancee is Muslim (by culture rather than actively practising) and it's more expected in their culture to at least be engaged if you live together. I'm a bit worried but haven't said anything as it's not going to help and it may well be fine. I'm still married to his dad who I met when I was 21!

The name change thing I think is great and really refreshing to hear of a man changing his name on marriage. She's changing hers too so it signifies their new life together. I only know two men who changed their name to their wife's. One because his "maiden' surname was Gay and he couldn't wait to get rid of it. The other because his surname was Smith or Jones and he much preferred his wife's more distinctive name.

He's only a few months into his training contract, which means he won't have built up any real reputation in his current surname yet. And he'll know that. So I can't see that being a particularly persuasive line of argument.

They've been going out for eight years - a third of their lives! They've already demonstrated their ability to commit to one another through changing circumstances much more than many couples have when they get married. I suspect most people who get married at 23 and then divorce have only been going out a couple of years. Equally though even if those circumstances lots of marriages do last. I know couples married younger than that who are still going strong after 50 years or more!

Re marrying young when you read the threads bemoaning all the awful single men in their 40s and the dreadful dating scene, the usual response is that the good ones all get snapped up at university. This isn't really that different?

There are Catholics of all shapes and sizes and lots of lots of progressive and liberal ones who use it as a way to spread a message of love and acceptance. I grew up in a Catholic church like that, lots of singing and charity work. It was great to be honest.

I think it’s lovely they are marrying so young - in this day and age of everyone waiting a decade or more to get on with life’s big things like marriage and children I’d be very happy if my children married that age to someone they loved. And hopefully then they’d be young parents too - you’d be a “young” grandparent by societies standards but get to be around for your grandchildren as they get older rather than the trend these days to have kids in your late 30s early 40s grandparents are well into their 70s

I think that marrying young has many advantages:
Both still developing, so they will grow together and be flexible developing their household around each other.
They may even decide (shock horror) to have their kids quite young - getting it out of the way and also still having the flexibility to bring kids into their household routine.
And you might be a younger grandparent too, maybe you will have work as an excuse to avoid childcare and you will have more energy for them

Sounds like he’s building a great future. I wish my DC were more settled in relationships and career-wise. Yes, 23 is young but in ‘the old days’ it was a normal age to get married.