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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

183 replies

Mirrormirroronthewal · 06/04/2026 12:30

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you help one adult child, you should be prepared to help the other too?

I completely understand that circumstances can differ, and support isn’t always going to look identical. But if one child gets significant help, whether financial, childcare, babysitting, or general practical support, and the other doesn’t, it’s a bit naive to assume that won’t have an impact on the relationship.

Regular babysitting, being on hand for childcare, school runs, being on call can make a huge difference to one adult child’s life compared to another’s.

If you commit to helping with grandchildren, for example, and then another one comes along, that help may need to be redistributed. It can’t always just stay fixed in one place without affecting others.

I’m currently pregnant, and my SIL currently gets two days a week of help from her parents and one day from mine. She had been planning to increase her working days around Christmas, but has now brought that forward to get two regular days established with my parents before my baby arrives.

I feel like this is something for my parents to manage. If they don’t want to do more than two days a week in total, I completely understand that, in fact if they don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. But then it’s up to them how they divide that time. It shouldn’t be on me to just miss out or manage because arrangements have already been made.

Parents are, of course, free to do as they choose. But you can’t really act surprised if one relationship becomes strained as a result.

OP posts:
Decacaffeinatednow · 06/04/2026 13:11

I have a friend whose parents provide a lot of help. However they are getting older - mid 70s -and they are trying to reduce the amount of time they spend doing childcare. It’s not going down well .

Overthebow · 06/04/2026 13:10

Have you discussed it with them? You often need to put your baby’s name down for nursery early on due to wait lists. You could have a conversation with them about nursery and ask if they’d have your baby one day a week like SIL.

Hallamule · 06/04/2026 13:09

Yes and no. I would expect an element of fairness in terms of time and attention but people age so what can be offered to the eldest grandchildren may understandably not be doable for the youngest.

NerrSnerr · 06/04/2026 13:08

You need to have a conversation with them. What is it you actually want from them? How much help? I assume you’ll be on maternity leave for at least 9 months so there’s loads of time before you’d think about going back to work. Have you discussed with them whether you plan to use childcare. Will your partner’s parents also help?

we have never been in the position where any family can help. It is nice to be independent, no one else gets a say in how we bring up our kids etc.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 06/04/2026 13:05

It’s a hard one
me and my sister lost our parents young and neither of our partners have family who can help either thru poor health/distance/death so we help each other out where we can. I have my 2 DN’s sometimes and she has my 3 a bit but we don’t live near enough each other to share school runs/ ad hoc stuff but my DS is up for sale and hoping to move nearer us soon so that will be good for everyone.

me and DS often have the conversation - when the kids are older what will we do and try to do for one of them we’ll try do for the other if I can if I’m not still working and providing they all live within a reasonable so that it’s fair.

id just have the conversation- at least funded hours are better than they were now and available from 9 months but if it’s a decider between what you will return to work and do or not do then I’d want to know - not just financially but round here - childminders and nurseries have big waiting lists

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/04/2026 12:58

I think you need to discuss it with your parents. You presumably won’t be needing regular childcare for some time if you’re currently pregnant, your SIL may well plan to have her DC in nursery or pre-school with funded hours by the time you go back to work, or your parents may be happy to have both grandchildren at the same time so you each have equal care provided by them on the days they do.

ETA. But broadly, sometimes things just can’t be “fair” in terms of exactly the same. Grandparents committing to childcare when younger might not feel up to doing the same with latter grandchildren when several years older. Expecting it is putting them in a rough position.

Miranda65 · 06/04/2026 12:53

Just who are all these adult children who constantly need "support"? We never did - fair enough, we're childfree.
But my close friends with kids never sought or expected "support" - their parents lived a couple of hundred miles away, for a start. So they just got on with their own lives, inc through serious physical and mental health issues. They just carried on.... because that's what you do (and what our parents did).

OhBettyCalmDown · 06/04/2026 12:48

This is a tricky one as whilst I would always try and keep things relatively even it’s really up to your parents to decide what help they offer and how they commit their time. Have you spoken to them about providing childcare or do you just suspect they will say no to you? Is there any reason they couldn’t have both children on the same days?