AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

Why couldn't you get a taxi?

Of course your parents are helping your brother: he doesn't have to go part-time because his wife is upping her hours. His parents are helping him continue FT.

I live 4000 miles away from my parents, my sibling lives a 5 minute walk from my parents. He's had on-tap childcare and babysitting for nearly 15 years now. I've had nothing that I haven't had to pay for.

Each child gets what they need and what their parents want to give. I can't believe you're not embarrassed that you're a grown woman, about to have a baby yourself, and still saying "but it's not faaaaaair". If it's that big a deal, talk to your parents about it. What it seems you really want is for your parents to choose to dump your brother's family in favour of yours.

Did you ask them if you could be picked up on their way back from SIL's? Perhaps they thought you wanted to stay at home and were just giving an excuse. If you really wanted the there you could have suggested getting a taxi and see if that would motivated them into picking you up.

I imagine your SIL is not backward in coming forward. She probably asks what she wants, rightly or wrongly. You need to start having these conversations before the resentment builds up and affects the relationship. It would be a shame for your new baby.

Yanbu OP.
Your parents are choosing to behave very poorly.
Spell it out to them.
Do not allow the resentment to grow.
If they choose to invest all their time and energy in your brothers family, there isn't a lot you can do but get on with it.
I have seen it happen and I have seen the consequences.
My advice to you is built your life around without them.
Leaving you alone at Easter because you are unable to drive, when you are only 15 minutes away but driving so far to collect a nervous driver is pretty shocking.
Unfortunately you cannot change them.
This is up to them.
Very sad for you.
Is your brother the golden child?

You need to change the way you’re thinking about this or nobody will want to help you.
There is no issue yet, you are meeting this problem half way!

SIL is steering your parents help into supporting her career. Where do you want the help, can you soften your stance and communicate with your parents about this.

Your parents refused to pick you up for the family lunch and said it’s “unfortunate” that you can’t drive and therefore couldn’t attend? They obviously weren’t bothered about having you there?

Why on earth would you want them to look after your baby if that’s their attitude? Sounds like there is more to this than childcare…..

Have you asked them if they’re willing to help you?

I actually think once you’re a fully-fledged grown-up, “support” should start going the other way.

I think it's never going to be as straightforward as treating everyone equally. Distance and age are massive factors.

From your perspective it's important to remember that plenty of people have children without help from grandparents and it's very prudent to consider how many children you can cope with given your circumstances when choosing your family size. Also comparison is the thief of joy. Nothing good will come of you thinking of what should be owed here.

I agree with previous poster, if this is their attitude to including you in a family event then there’s a much broader issue than potential fairness with providing regular childcare. Has your relationship with them always been like this? Has something changed recently? Do they like your partner, or do they have a problem with him / think he should be stepping up more?

Of course it’s helping him- it’s facilitating him to work full time in the city.

Will you need your parents to help with childcare when you return to work (which won’t be for a while as you are pregnant for 9 months then get 9-12 months maternity leave after that). Have you discussed this with your parents? Has your DH discussed this with his parents?

Neither of the Grandparents need to be reviewing childcare anytime soon. Many things can change between now and when your child is born.

It’s also really important to be mindful of language. Why have you said it’s your sister in law getting the help, not your brother? Surely they’re both getting the help?

Your parents knew you were alone and pregnant and didn’t make an effort? You have FAR bigger problems than how many days they will offer you.
I can guarantee this, if they treat you their own child this way then 💯 your kids are going to be second priority too. Better have a good long think about what’s happening here

I think it's very hard to balance. Ideally grandparents should try to have a similarly close relationship with all grandchildren and give a similar amount of help to all their adult children but it's not always practical. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my mother to step back her commitments to my nephews just because I also now have a child.

A family friend committed doing 2 days of childcare a week for her first grandchild, I think it's admirable that she has done the same for each grandchild that came along but it's putting a lot of strain on her to hold herself to a promise she made in completely different circumstances back in 2012.

There's a world of difference between fairness and equity.

I agree with you. Am certainly not saying that GPs should have to do childcare, but if they are able to help, that help should be split fairly between their children who need it. It shouldn't be 'X had a baby first so all help will go to them'. If both kids have babies, then the parents should split their available time between the two. Or if one sibling has had help for a year or so, the other sibling should then be prioritised. Assuming gps are still in a position (and willing) to offer help at all.

We try our best to give roughly equal support to our three adult children - financial and practical.

It's not always straightforward but it matters a lot to both me and my OH that none of our children could feel that the others were favoured.

I can imagine it might be more of a challenge if one of them had a dramatic change in circumstances but even then I'd like to think we would consider the others very carefully and do our best to even it up as much as possible.

No, it's not up to your parents to manage. If you want to ask them to take on regular childcare, you have to ask them, be honest and upfront about what you want, and accept with grace their response, whatever it is.

It can't be "even" or "fair" because it's different situations at different times. They are that bit older, they have a relationship with their grandchild, and circumstances change.

It's lovely if they can help you, and that's a very fortunate position to be in. But you aren't entitled to it just because it suited them to look after your brother's child before yours is even born.

Life doesn't work like that.