AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

This is awful, OP - they let you miss the family easter lunch?! There are deep issues of unfairness at play here. Without knowing any more details, I foresee disappointment for you. Sadly and unfairly, some parents have favourites. Remember that you are worthy of fair treatment. I am unfortunately v low contact with my mother due to this issue.

I've witnessed this with my in-laws. DH and his DB are treated very differently. Along the lines of, one was bought a house outright and the other not... My DH is the more responsible one and has never needed financial help which I'm very glad of, but it does sting a bit to see the massive difference in how they are treated.

Op this usually happens if the brother is the favourite I think you should just sit with your dp and say are you able to help out with any childcare before I book his.her place. Your dp are not mind readers yes they help your sil she has obviously asked. If they say no then it’s on you and you will probably become resentful and the relationship dynamic might change but it’s best to ask than just assume.

What an incredibly thick response unless you know 100% you're the ops next door neighbour.

you have no idea of the accessibility in the OP's area. I love in London, I can get a cab anytime I want frankly, Friend lives in a tiny village near Winchester, there is one taxi company with 2 drivers and no uber. If neither driver wants to work or is out then guess what, no taxis.

Is it that hard to understand not everywhere is the same?

Why didn’t your brother drive his wife and baby to the meet up?

When dh and I had our first child bils two boys were 14 and 15 by the time we had our last they were 21 and 20. The support mil was able to provide (fil passed from cancer before our youngest was born) to our children was very different to what she could provde for bils two where she was 15-20 years younger..

This was not because mil didnt care. She was a loving grandma who loved her 8 grandchildren but what she could provide as an 60 year old was very different to what she could as a 75 year old. I never saw that as mil being unfair thats just life.

Dd1 has recently married and they are discussing children. Her mil currently looks after their daughters two children 3 days a week. They also live 5 hours drive fro. Dd1 and son in law. Reality is they wont get the same level of support from his mum due to distance. Again not due to grandma being unwilling its more about circumstances
I dont think because dd1 and son in law lives away from his family this should equal his sisters children should not get support from grandparents.

Its rarely black and white sometimes support looks different. MIL babysat ours perhaps 4 times in total over the years but she was ab engaged and involved grandma who is dearly missed by all of her grandchildren I never felt we missed out despite bil and also sil (dhs sisters) children got regular babysitting. She could do that when they had children but not when We did. Thats ok.

In my personal situation it doesn’t balance out

My mother has my daughter often and a lot because I work so she has the holidays etc. my sister who can’t work because of one of her child’s needs doesn’t get help as much - I am her help. My mums excuses are that I work so I should get the help where as I believe it should be for both of us.

I personally want to get a job where my mother doesn’t have to facilitate my childcare because I think it’s her time to live and only have her grandchildren every so often

My parents don't really balance support - I live a lot further away. Dsis was still getting health insurance paid for. It doesn't bother me. I did get help at different times when I needed it. And maybe dsis will have to help them more when they need it.

I'm sorry, that's poor that they wouldn't pick you up on Easter Sunday. And that they don't seem to be wanting to help with childcare.

Having childcare that is open the hours you need it is kind of important too, even if they were helping out, if they weren't available.

In principle I agree with you, but this appears to be a case where your parents can’t be in two places at once. They can’t be simultaneously driving grandchildren and SIL while also driving you to them.

But in this case SIL could drive but is choosing not to. OP’s parents are prioritising SIL’s choice over OP’s need.

Fair isn't always the same as equal. There are so many variables to consider, differences in distance, personal situation, health, timelines and many other things. It's not as simple as doing for one what you do for the other. Again, fair and equal are different things.

Then there's that your parents have every right to choose how they spend their time. If I'm looking after grandchildren, just as one example you picked, it's on my timetable and my terms. I might tell you I'm looking after SIL's child on Tuesday and Thursday, I am also prepared to look after your child alongside, children together, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you don't want those days or refuse because you want your child to have one on one and SIL says 'okay', then I've been fair but you've made a choice. Then I'll have SIL's kids and not yours due to choices you made. Happy to share the two days, but not happy to give up four.

Not necessarily. There are loads of other factors.

Eg I have 1 child and live 5 mins walk from my parents.

My sister has 3 very energetic ones and lives over 3hrs drive away (6hrs round trip).

My parents struggle to manage the driving or the energy for multiple children so she naturally gets less babysitting.

The reason people come to Mumsnet for advice is because as parents, life and relationships are very different to navigate versus when you don’t have kids. Getting advice from parents, rather than judgey childless friends, is invaluable!

Are you the younger sibling OP?
I’m the youngest of five, big age gaps between us all.
My oldest 3 siblings have all had lots of financial help as parents were still working full time so didn’t do any childcare.
sibling number 4 had lots of childcare help as they were newly retired, and some financial help - because he’s useless with money.
Sibling 5 here, has no childcare help as they are now too old, and they’ve spent all their money.
I don’t know what they think will happen if they need care in the future, but I know for damn sure it won’t be me doing it.
It winds my husband up that it’s so unfair (his family are big on fairness) but I’ve never known any different, it’s always been his way. I don’t have much to do with my siblings though.

My husband is one of three, his youngest brother is the golden child. The difference in the way they treat their grandchildren is mind boggling and has fractured relations within the whole family. The blame lies entirely with his parents.
The best thing I have done is step back and protect my family.
Your parents not picking you up is hurtful, I would be very upset as well.

My sister worked nights and has a partner. My parents travelled by bus to collect their children from school every night, to “give her a rest” then cooked their tea.
I’m a single parent, worked a shift rota and lived within walking distance. They never collected my children and never cooked me a meal. I couldn’t even just drop in, in case she needed them that night.
(this was just one of the many “golden child” issues that led to no contact in the end.)

Sigh, both your lived experiences were as you think, and did happen. The truth is that there was no one way in the past or present how childcare was managed within and outside the immediate family.

In principle I agree with you, but this appears to be a case where your parents can’t be in two places at once. They can’t be simultaneously driving grandchildren and SIL while also driving you to them.

Now, I trust how you said this is one example so I’m not going to hold it against you for having a bad example.

I would have a discussion with your parents on this. Get it out in the open before your baby arrives. They may view it as for their grandchildren rather than you or your brother. In which case, you need to know if they will be able to balance things equitably between all their grandchildren once your child arrives.

“Our parents” did not do that. In the 80s, when I was a child, pretty much every one of my friends went to gran’s after school and stayed with them in the holidays. There were fewer working mums generally, so those who did work could pay neighbours for childcare. That’s not allowed any more. Nurseries were were more affordable, although harder to find space in. The “good old days” were not as you seem to think.

DH is one of three.
The eldest had kids 10yrs before the other two, mil was 65/70 so did a huge amount of childcare, most weekends and all the holidays.
By the time we had kids, she and FIL were older, exhausted and small children-ed out!
Then youngest sibling had, frankly more kids than he can afford in a short amount of years. MiL, now widowed, downsized dramatically and gave him 500k to buy a house and childcare bills.
So one had childcare on tap, the other had big financial help, and my poor DH got bugger all! It has caused huge resentment between the siblings, they all feel hard done by, and is a textbook example of what treating siblings differently causes. I suspect the youngest will inherit everything eventually as the sibling that had childcare is very bitter about the youngest getting the money - they say they'd have rather had the money and not worked…
Doesn’t worry me particularly as we earn okay anyway and I don't like being beholden to people. DH finds it very hard though, like he was never loved or important to his mother.
But, when and if mil needs care, we shall be too busy I’m afraid…

So it's a pattern?
Don't expect it to change.
Protect yourself and live your own life.

To be blunt, your parents sound like they are shit parents and I’d be surprised if this was a new thing.
Has there been a noticeable change in their behavior? Or is it just that you are now noticing it or no longer being willing to tolerate it?

The thing is, this is who they are. You can’t control them, you can’t change them. The only thing you can do is control your own choices and boundaries going forward. Make your own family, create some distance from your parents and build a support network of your own.

It sucks, it’s not fair, but someone who leaves their daughter alone for Easter whilst hosting the rest of the family is not someone I’d be actively wanting in my child’s life.

Surely that depends on where you live? I used to live in Cirencester and once got a train back to the local station (Kemble) on a normal, non bank holiday Sunday. I could not get any taxi anywhere. They wouldn’t come from Gloucester as it was too far and all the local ones were not answering. In the end I found one bloke, who came and got me after Bingo in the pub finished. I was there for a long time. Would have been quicker to walk across the fields (but didn’t know this at the time)

i agree with this. I provide regular childcare and have done since my grandaughters were tiny. But I’m a lot older now (my eldest grandchild is 16) and whilst I’m happy caring for just about pre-school kids, I would not want to look after a baby or toddler again.

I absolutely would want to spend time with, and lavish attention on, a younger one, but not to be a sole carer for them.

Um, there are? I took one yesterday.