AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

Most likely when you say help from your parents, it is the grandmother most likely.

Hard disagree. There was a thread on this last week or the week before by a daughter who was livid that her mother wasn’t going to suddenly reduce the amount of help she gave her other child with existing grandchild when the MNer’s new baby was born. Why should the established routines of a child old enough to understand be disrupted in the interest of “fairness” as determined by the child who wants “their share”? A grandparent is free to spend their time as they wish. No one is entitled to something just because their sibling has it. If the grandparent WANTS to share their time equally, that’s different. Demanding or expecting that they should want what you want, is unreasonable.

OP, your parents were not interested in having lunch with you - they are not going to do childcare for you. It is not fair but you cannot factor them into your plans, they cannot be relied on.

Just make sure you remember this when they need help from you 😉

But surely the one with shorter hours wouldn’t work even if your parents made you an equal offer (ie one nursery pickup a week for you and one for DBro)

I just don’t really see how it’s practical to say you’ll offer the same to all children.

My friend is one of three. She has an 18 month old who her parents look after one day a week, and they are trying for a second.
Her younger siblings are both newly married and one or both might have a child while my friend’s child(ren) is/are still pre-school age.

But what should her parents do? Accept that they must look after 3 grandchildren of varying ages each week to make it fair? Or not look after my friend’s child despite being willing, able, and very keen to do it (it was their idea and they originally asked for 2 days), because they might not be able to offer the same to siblings for the next 5+ yrs, or may not want a hypothetical scenario where they do childcare for one 4 yr old and two 1 yr olds at the same time. Or should they say to my friend “we’ll look after your child but only until another grandchild comes along, and then to make it fair, we’ll stop offering help to you and look after your niece/nephew instead”.

That’s not to say I don’t understand how I could seem unfair. I just don’t know what grandparents can do without either stretching themselves more than they’re happy with, or turning down caring that they want to do, out of worry over future obligations

Childcare costs, mortgage costs, uni debt, and the general cost of living is skyrocketing. I raised my kids to be independent, too. And they are. They don’t have children yet, but I can appreciate when the time comes that, despite having reasonably paid jobs, having a child will place an onerous financial burden on them. Not because they are not independent, or because they are feckless, but because this is the reality of life for many, many people in their 30s. It’s just reality. Nothing to be amazed about. Helping your adult children out because you are able to, and want to, is quite normal these days.

I'm constantly amazed by the number of adults looking for support from their parents. Do we not bring up children to become independent adults any more? My main aim with my DC is that they reach adulthood with the ability to take responsibility for themselves regardless of what I might be able to help them with.

Ah, sorry - thanks for clarifying.

If I were your mum I’d be saying to you and my son that I’d like to split my caring duties evenly between the two of you. I think that’s fair enough.

What happens on the other three days - does DBro/SIL finish early?

Ah right, so they’re not actually providing the all day childcare you want? After nursery care once a week? So from 7pm-8pm once a week?

No.
Support and love. Sometimes a listening ear. Sometimes advice. But yes, sometimes - if a loan or a gift could make a real difference to my dc and I had the money to spare, why wouldn't I ? Same as spending time with Grandchildren to allow my dc a bit of a break. If my health and my time allows, why wouldn't I ?

I agree with you OP, they should try to be fair.

So again all parents of adults are there for is to provide money or services?

I voted YABU as I think it is far too dependent on circumstances.

My parents did what they reasonably could to support each of us as any circumstance presented itself.
I know they supported each of us differently at different times of our lives, as all of our circumstances were different.
We all felt loved and never resented that fact that one sibling received more babysitting, but one received some financial support and one perhaps got more of their time in another way.
So many things affect both what they were able to offer, but also what actual support might have been needed by each of us. Being supported by our parents to try to meet our needs at that time does not usually mean getting the same support.

I am the same with my adult dc. They need different things from me. The thing that is consistent is that we love them equally and we treat them as individuals.

Are you saying that you outright asked for a lift and they said no. But they made a 90 minute round trip for your SIL?

@Mirrormirroronthewal Is your brother the golden child? Because I just can't fathom that they would drive 45 minutes to pick up SIL but refuse to take you who lives 15 min away. I would be hurt and mad as fuck.

Having read that I think that unfortunately your parents seem to have "chosen" your brother and SIL and they seem like they don't give a fuck about you (letting you sit home on your own) so do not expect any help with childcare or whatever. Personally I would reduce contact with parents like this.

Things will naturally change when you have your baby. Your DM IME will be closer to your child in the future, it’s more natural.
SIL will have to reassess her childcare options.

@Miranda65 ”Why do all these adult children need support when we never did? We’re childfree”
You answered your own question, Miranda 🙄

@Mirrormirroronthewal
Im going to put it out there (maybe im wrong)
I think its interesting you wont discuss t directly and it reminds me of my dh who I think is in a similar boat....

My guess is:
Your db is the favorite.
Possibly higher/ "better"educated.
He and her are high earners.
they live in a fancier house.
Your parents are vaguely dazzled by all this.
When you see them all they do in bang on about your brother & co.

Honestly you are wasting your time.
Your mother (wrongly) isnt interested.
Its very hurtful.
It will be more hurtful when your child arrives.