AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

But she literally has just taken more on, an extra day of childcare. Most mums would have said I can’t do an extra day or not for more than a few months as I can only do two days and I’m planning to offer a day to Sarah. That’s how a normal mum responds here.

as for those people calling the op entitled and saying it’s her mums choice, it is indeed. And choices have consequences. If you ghost a friend don’t expect them to be a support to you. If you regularly buy 3 of the 4 friends in your circle a drink or lunch and stare blankly at the 4th, expect them to think and say you’re a royal bitch.

Wow. I’d take a big step back from the lot of them, and if your mum says anything I’d probably lose it. You don’t feel you see much of baby? You see <sils baby> because you’ve committed all your available support to them. I’m just your daughter who lives 15 mins away and who spent last Easter alone because I can’t drive, while your daughter in law prefers not to drive so you drove an hour and a half to get her. You’re seeing all the grandchildren and children you make an effort with and it’s not me or my child, I cannot believe you want to have a go at me for your lack of interest and support.

seriously. Just drop out. Don’t call; don’t go around.

Aren’t you missing the point though?

the OP is just asking for fairness between siblings. If the parents says no to both children that’s fine but they are upset as her mum is doing more for one of them than the other but expecting, no doubt, and equal relationship.

surely any relationship cuts both ways?

I have seen posts on threads about this from parents who seem to use it as a kind of blackmail. Something along the lines of if you don't do childcare then you won't see your grandkids as we are too busy with our big important lives to make time to spend with you otherwise.

I don’t know if you’re serious or if your post is pure hyperbole. I think that’s not the case for regular families, with regular relationships. No one I know considers their offspring ‘disgustingly entitled’. Or that they are subsiding their ‘entire lives’, or are scared their kids will have ‘nothing to do’ with them. My guess is that if that is the case, the family is probably dysfunctional in the first place!

Yes it is, but they then have to accept that if they help one child more, the other child might pull away and choose not have a relationship with them. It’s a 2 way relationship.

I'm a grandma after being a single parent since 21.

My Mum would do the odd weekend if I was going out. I'd never have expected her to do regular childcare.

Neither will I. Deal with it. I've done my time. I'm there if you need me but don't take me for granted.

Such an entitled post.

Yes I would agree 100% you should be equal in support of your children but it doesn’t necessarily mean the same. If I was able to help one of my children with childcare but perhaps the other lived far away, I would pay towards the nursery costs to even it out or I would have the children for weekends to allow them to go away for a break.

Depends on the individual circumstances though doesn’t it? We accept MIL needs to assist SIL more because she’s severely mentally ill and has addiction issues, she’s also in a relationship with an abusive and violent addict. We subsequently don’t begrudge her helping SIL and our nephew out more than us. She’s still helpful to us when we need her but we try not to ask too much because we realise she has her hands full with SIL and that mess.

This is it.
This is what my friends experienced and their children wondering why their cousins had their rooms at granny, where they seemingly were constantly.
One sibling dominating their former family home.

As I have written, they didn't argue the point, they just backed away, moved a bit away and without exception focused on building lives away from their family, independent of their parents.

None of them went NC nor wanted that, but they absolutely did not want their children exposed to a situation where it occurred to them that they were less valued or unimportant.

None of them ever regretted their decision to be busy away from their parents.

They did a bit when the last years came, very much on their terms, but definitely from afar, making very clear that golden child was in control, and their children barely registered their grandparents dying.

Two friends were surprised to find they were named excutor of the will, will was equally split, they handed it completely over to the solicitor whom charged through the nose for their services of course, but they had no intention of running around doing it.
Golden child, son was very pissed off at the huge bill this incurred which was substantial, two house clearings etc.

Unless you have experienced this dynamic, it is hard to understand.

Absolutely agree we all appreciate support and hopefully choose to provide it for others when we can. I'd like to think that I will help my adult children out when the times comes (with no strings attached). I would hope most people support their parents and don't expect anything back in return. However MN seems to be full of parents of young children who want to bemoan the fact that they aren't getting "enough" support or it "isn't fair" that someone else gets more than them. Nobody should be obliged to offer any help. Surely we should be appreciating any amount of support offered, however small. The rest of the time we should just get on with it.

Will they not be able to help you at the same time as looking after their other grandchildren

Maybe the dad or the FIL could step up? It does not only have to be women who do the childcare.

So it would be your mum doing the care? You have been careful to keep saying parents but it is mostly your mum. Even if your dad helps, she would be taking the bulk on. No surprise she doesn't want to take even more on.

As others have said, I think you just need to outright ask for what you want. Then at least you will know where you stand, if you wait around for them to offer it may never happen. Much better than just inwardly seething.

Surely all of us 'need support' at various times of our lives, or even just with some aspects of our lives?

I've been an adult for decades. I have adult dc. But I still appreciate support with some things, on some occasions. I support friends. I have been supported by friends.
Last week I went round to my dc's house because someone was coming to do something at her house "between 8am and 1pm" on a day when she wasn't able to wfh. I am retired, so I "offered her some support" to help her out.

Another day I "offered some support" to a friend who had to go to a hospital appointment she was worried about, as I was available, and, in my world that's what friends do. We are both independent adults, but life is just a little easier and a whole lot nicer if people offer each other support.

We are going on holiday soon. Another of my dc said they would take us to the airport. Again, we are independent adults and could have got their under our own steam, but it is nice that our dc offered and makes the day just a little bit easier.
My friend is clearing out her old family home after the death of her parents. Guess what? I have gone round to help her a couple of times, because she is finding it both emotionally and physically tough. So I offered a bit of support. I know she would do the same for me, even though we are both 'independent adults.
Sometimes, I tumble dry a load of sheets or towels for my dc who lives near, because I remember how difficult it was to get things like that dry when I lived in my first flat without a washing machine or tumble dryer. If I didn't, of course my dc would manage, but it really doesn't take a lot of effort on my part, to make their life a whole lot easier, so why wouldn't I ?
I recently got a new piece of tech, and one of my dc took time to help me set everything up on it. Yup, I could have probably worked it out using the manual and maybe the internet for help, but it was nice that they supported me to get it done in a much shorter amount of time, as it is something they are more skilled with than I am.
We could go on, and on with this list.
Being and independent adult doesn't mean you never need support.

in-laws favoured Sil and her gc. She got full time childcare, overnights, lots of extra babysitting.

Was she single? Did her husband die as soon as the children were born? People are so quick to point out another woman getting childcare with no mention of the father. It is like he does not exist or benefit from the arrangement.

its Massively unfair and dh and I have been very careful not to do this to our dc.

in-laws favoured Sil and her gc. She got full time childcare, overnights, lots of extra babysitting. Our dc were always an afterthought and now there’s a big divide between the cousins. Resentment. And our dc as adults rarely see their grandparents as they hardly know them really. You reap what you sow I suppose.

it’s crap and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Be prepared to feel even more hurt once your baby arrives unfortunately x

It’s not about expecting help for help, it’s when your parents treat you and your children as second class citizens and then expect you to be the one that steps up. Happy to help but not over and above and above, not at the expense of my family and only after the preferred golden child has done their bit.

The thing is this isn't just about help, which I agree is up to the parents, but this is about when grandparents have clear favourites in their grandchildren.
Often the children of the golden child.

In my case it was all sons.
Their parents neither had the time nor the interest in their other grandchildren because they provided so much weekly and weekend care.
It was impossible for their other children to visit without the favoured family there.
Their children felt the difference and it was seeing their children being othered, that made these women decide to just pull back and not expose their children to it so much.

Some grandparents are able to have positive relationships with all their grandchildren and not create such an imbalance.

I have seen this up so close with a lovely kind neighbour of mine with her 4 children.
Her eldest, a son, had 4 children and she basically raised those children.
They were always at her house, weekdays until 6.30 having had dinner, as both parents had big jobs.
It took over her life, and she allowed it.
Her 3 other daughters didn't get a look in, and neither did their children, they told me this directly.

When she suddenly had a very serious stroke and was incapacitated, her son and his wife were really nowhere to be seen.
They completely stepped away.

One daughter despite everything stepped up.
The other two had their own lives.
My neighbour told me before she died how sad she was that she had spent the last 20 years of her life run ragged raising his grandchildren for the whole lot of them to now barely visit.

She was a nice woman, but she made a huge mistake and she knew it.

It's a thinly veiled threat that seems to be very popular on MN. Give your adult children ALL the help or be abandoned in your old age [ I honestly doubt OP is really happy with " none as long as its equal"]
We had almost no help due to age and distance. Funnily enough we still managed to be decent human beings to our elderly parents. You know, because we're not cunts.

It’s up to your parents what help they offer, and to whom. 🤷‍♀️

I have seen so many instances of this.

The favoured child and their children adored, and the other child, often a daughter absolutely expected to be in the background for years and to get on with it, until they are needed when the parents start to slow down and golden child is far too busy with their big job and life.

My friends never said a word when this was their dynamic, but it was a factor when they all moved just that little bit away, far enough that their lives and that of their children were unknown to their parents.

They did this after a few years when they realised that their children were also very much an afterthought.

All parents were very upset at their moving that bit further away, confirming that they did indeed see them in terms of elder care.

It never happened, and years later when their parents tried to complain that they saw little of wonder child and their families, they cut them off swiftly, not prepared to listen to them.
They also never entertained wonder child expecting them to pick up the slack.

My friends invested in their friends and built good lives away from their family, whilst remaining friendly but very low contact.

This was very stark for a few friends that never married, so sidelined, but expected to be available.
Without exception they left their home area and went to the nearest city, and never regretted it.

It worked for them.
You will have to decide what will work for you.

Have you asked them why they will make a regular 90 minute trip for their DIL in but they won't make a one off 30 minute trip for their DD?

Have you actually explained that you don't understand their reasoning?

I'm really sorry as it sounds there is clear favouritism. I would clearly raise all the points you have made in this thread to them, bringing out into the open.
It won't change anything but at least you'll get it off your chest.