AIBU to expect parents to balance support between adult children?

I'm sorry, @Mirrormirroronthewal I can feel your hurt.
I wouldn't want to discuss it with parents as it's obvious that the same support isn't coming your way so what's the point? It'd definitely be colouring my opinion going foward, too.

Is there some background context OP? Has this been the general dynamic between you and your brother and parents? I get why you are annoyed, but it doesn't sound like you have actually openly asked your parents for childcare. I know you feel like they should be actively offering, but to be fair you actually dont know how things went down when they started doing childcare for your brother. It sounds like your brother may have actually asked for help and they agreed? I think its also worth considering that circumstances do play a role in the help and support needed and given. It sounds like your brother and his wife work long hours so can't actually make it to the nursery for pick up time so they do actually need the childcare. Maybe your mum assumes that if you dont work late then you can make pick up and therefore don't need that particular help? It might be that they will help in other ways, for example when baby is older having them on ad hoc days when you have plans/ appointments or nights away? My siblings and I all receive some form of support from our parents but it does look very different and certainly my sister gets the most regular childcare due to her particular circumstances. Thats ok with me but if you feel upset then I think the best thing you can do is actually discuss it openly with your parents and tell them what help you think you need.

It doesn’t prove any point. Yes there have been enormous imbalances in gender relationships, but you fix the imbalance with dads. Our kids will happily leave their babies with dh and he will be equally grandparenting, because he does all the parenting things with them, and they will be super comfortable he can. That took work but it was really important to me. I’m not suggesting grandmas operate in a vacuum, but they should be fair however they are operating. (My mil quit work when her first gc were on the way, she’d been very unsubtly waiting for this stage for years, so they certainly don’t all feel pressured to help.)

Yes, she has offered to do extra childcare for the other grandchild. That does not automatically mean she genuinely wants more childcare or that it is coming from a completely free choice. A lot of women of that generation are used to stepping in, keeping things running and saying yes even when they are tired. That is not imaginary, it is how they have been socialised for years.

The point about grandfathers is not some clever gotcha, it is exactly the issue. You say there is no point in challenging older men, but that is how the imbalance carries on. If we accept that men just do not do childcare, then of course the responsibility keeps landing on women.

Saying a 70 year old man cannot be expected to help because he has never done it just proves the point. He has never done it because he was never expected to. Women were not born knowing how to look after babies either, they learned because they had to.

It is not really about forcing anyone to hand over a newborn to someone clueless. It is about why the focus is on the grandmother stepping up again, while the grandfather and the child’s own father are not part of the conversation.

The ops mum has literally just offered to increase her childcare … for her other grandchild she already looks after. Thats why I think she is willing to do more grandparenting than she currently does, not because of some imaginary scenario in my head but because this grandma has said hey of course I can cover an extra day a week, all good!

I’m so tired of this why aren’t you pointing out grandfathers as some kind of gotcha . He doesn’t seem to be offfering extra days of childcare around to call out why some of them aren’t for his daughter. I frequently post supporting women to tell their dh to pull their head out and be a dad which includes childcare cooking and washing, but I’m not going to tell a mum to tell her father that because what’s the point? And if they’re a 70 year old man who’s never changed a nappy or fed a baby what mum really wants them to start with her newborn? Not me.

in any case the Easter Sunday story tells us all that there is a long history of little support and affection for the op and all of it going to her brothers family, and she should step right back. She will be a new mum without support, she needs to make sure her energy goes on her family not her parents.

The OP's mum is already providing childcare. OP wants her to provide more.

Funny how the expectations just keep increasing for grandmothers but grandfathers pretty much get left alone.

Well yes, if you’ve moved too far away to see much of your parents of fucking course you don’t hold that against them. But if you live 15 minutes away, your brother close to an hour away, and your brothers children get 110% of your parents focus, literally all of it, while you and yours get ignored, that’s different. Thats shitty parenting and grandparenting from the grandparents and the adult children are fully entitled to judge and step away. I won’t be at all surprised if dhs sibling who’s had by far the most support from parents is also the least available when they need support, but I won’t be on the visit roster in their place. I’ll happily call out the utter hypocrisy when I say no.

You should have said, oh I assumed you would help with childcare like you do for brother.

Make her explain her lack of care for you out loud. Like when she said she was happy to pick up grandkids but not her own daughter.

Its an important step in breaking free from this relationship, which would be for the best as hard as that sounds.

She's just going to keep hurting you.

I would make some “jokey” comments to your DP how their son will be the ones returning the childcare favours by caring for them as they age.

Seriously it sucks when one child/grandchild is consistently favoured and it hurts.

Lots of people manage without ‘support’ obviously - but if it’s available it makes life so
much easier. I ‘support’ both my DC with regular childcare - it helps them and I enjoy it - and, as the OP suggests, I’ve been very careful to ensure that I treat them both equally.

Sure, but it sounds like DM goes to DBro’s house to collect child and bring them there for tea etc until parents are back.

There are 2 sets of grandparents, both sides doing the childcare. Somehow I doubt if her DF is also working each evening until 8 or 9pm.

It is her mum doing it.

Her dad works.

Perhaps your parents feel sorry for your DN. The poor toddler is growing up without seeing your DB & DSiL for 4 days a week. The grandparents seem to be committing to doing more parenting than the parents.

If no-one has said it already, I bet your DB is the Golden Child.

In which case, there is nothing you can do but accept that they just aren't that into you at all. I'm really sorry, been there and it sucks.

Long term, you have to not rely on them ever, build a life in which they are incidental. If possible, move a long way away before they get older, because you can bet your first- born you will be the first number they call when their older selves need a service.

I haven’t much to add OP but I do feel very sorry for you - it’s a sad situation with your parents and I feel that you are completely fair in feeling how you do.

You're right, it isn’t fair, and it must really sting. Leaving you alone on Easter Sunday was really rubbish too. And your brother has been a bit of an arse about the whole situation.

In my family it hasn’t worked out evenly, or anything approaching really. My sister and I both live 5 mins from my mum, she chose to do five days a week childcare for my sister. She babysits them frequently, to the point we don’t ever feel we can ask. I don’t actually want her to do childcare, I think it’s easier to pay, and I also want her to enjoy her retirement. But the difference is she has a much stronger relationship with my (lovely) nephews- knows all their interests and friends, has lovely days out with them. Mine get the dregs if my sister doesn’t need something. But it’s apparently fair because she got them all the same thing for Easter 😂 Not to mention the £60k a year we were paying for two at nursery at one point!

I think maybe it’s best to have a chat with your parents and say what you have said here, and how hurt you are. If (like in my situation) it doesn’t change things, you kind of have to make peace with it or the resentment will destroy the relationship

Probably irrationally I find this post really irritating. You're childfree!! No wonder you don't need support!! Neither did I till I had children!!!!

Same set up in my family, not with childcare though but with money. I’m one of a huge sibling group so we could at least discuss the situation and we did at length. Myself and one other sister expected all our Mothers estate to go to the favoured sister and indeed it did. DH is the same plus his Father left his entire estate to his sister.

My sister is very clever, beautiful and manipulative, DH sister is dim and the opposite of mine. What they do have in common is they are very good at making people feel sorry for them. My sister is clever enough to engineer this whereas DH sister just has stuff happen to her as she makes ridiculous decisions.

That’s understandable . When my sil had my nephew she put him in the same nursery as her niece so her dad could pick both of them up otherwise it would have been impossible for him . They can’t be in two places at once .

I’m not equal with my daughters in anything. . I’m equitable . I help whoever needs it most at the time and it balances out . Helping equally can also be unfair . OP you haven’t even had your child yet . Wait see what happens when you need help , but don’t request it unless you need it.
I’ve never expected anything from my parents. I had children younger and more parents worked full time then my dad got sick so I didn’t get much help . My bother on the other hand had children once my mum was widowed and retired so my mum had provided a lot of child care for him , but she’s been there for me in other ways when I’ve needed her.
Wait until you actually need help, but always remember it’s nice but not a must.

Natural to be resentful if all that time only goes on your sibling though!

She is resentful that her mum hasn't worked since she went on maternity leave 40 years ago.

Ofcourse there is a resentment! Brother is the golden child so mum does everything for him and his wife while she doesn't seem to care for @Mirrormirroronthewal at all. I think it's fucking disgusting- I never make any difference between my children unless there is a greater need for one. Brother and Dil are loaded and have dils parents as well so it's clear this is just about OPs mum being unfair.

I would directly ask. May as well- nothing to lose

hi mum, I know you’re now doing 2 days for a week for brothers child to help brother and sil. I’m just wondering if you’ll want to help with my baby too when I go back to work so I can start figuring out logistics? Please let me know if that’s possible at all- it would be so helpful to us too to have that same support, and we would be very grateful. Thanks