DS wants friend to move in after attack - would you say yes?

Once he moved in with you he risks losing his tenancy and with the housing shortage as it is he will struggle to get a new one when / if he felt he was ready to leave. While your son believes him to be ok / clean you don’t know. Drug users are very good at putting on a front and will lie and manipulate. Lovely an idea it is from your DS and shows he has a caring side , you will more than likely be bringing problems / trouble into your home. How will you manage if he is still taking drugs and ignores your rules. The local authority won’t see him as homeless as he lives with you so he will have nowhere to go if you do need to ask him to leave. You don’t know why he was attacked , was it a random attack for his phone or was it because he had unpaid drug debts. You really don’t want that being brought to your door. If he has debts in the future your home / family will be drawn in and threatened - the dealers won’t differentiate they will just want their money. In reality I’m sure there are other practical ways you can help - invite him round for an evening meal every week, offer to go to the council with him to see if he can move to another area , but I really wouldn’t have him come to stay. Ultimately he isn’t your DS or your responsibility and you need to be wary of your son getting dragged in to a situation he can’t cope with. Responsibility for someone else’s mental health well being and addiction is a massive ask and one fraught with difficulty.

I would allow him to stay maybe at weekends so he has some nurturing and feeling cared for, support him to contact the right people to help him get moved, maybe look at courses he needs some purpose in his life but the support would be to help him become independent. I know he is very young but what you don’t want and want can easily happen is services step even further back as someone else is doing their work (we know how stretched they are). Sounds like he needs someone who cares to be on his side

if he gives up his place or is found not to be staying there how is he going to move on from yours? He won’t be given a place if he decides to stay with a friend for a while. What if you son finds new friends, they fall out or just grow apart

It is really lovely of you to support him and you can do that doesn’t mean he has to stay with you

I would have to say Yes, as long as the drug use is behind him. I feel so sorry for youngsters in this young mans position. He is so lucky to have such a lovely friend as your DS which is all credit to you 💐

We are foster carers and will be doing staying put with our young person when they hit 18. Young people who are moved into their own home are usually put into really rough areas where most people wouldnt like to live, where drugs are prevalent etc. Our fc social worker told us the areas they house kids who age out and they are awful, socially isolated, and high crime but its what's affordable.
He should have a sw if under 18 or a YPA if over . You could maybe approach them and ask for advice in supporting him without him moving in. Ie having him over for a few dinners, him helping tidy up etc after. Take him shopping, help him with menu making etc. A previous fc wanted that independence at 18 but found having their own home extremely isolating , looking at the same 4 walls on their own, in an area they knew no-one, and if hes afraid to go out i can fully understand why he doesn't want to be there.
As a PP stated sharing lives is also a step between being 'in care' and aging out, they would initially be strangers but it can work well.
As part of our new agreement we each have a contract to sign for behaviours /expectations etc and i assume it would be the same for sharing lives. Drugs would be a no here.

I would too - I know there are risks but yes I would allow him to live wohl me

My DD is a foster carer and typically cares for young girls aged 14-18. It's not often that a child would be given a flat at 18, though most of her girls have moved on at 18 to some sort of supervised accomodation, typically a room in a shared house with daily visits.
PA's definitely vary in competence and contactability, some care leavers fall through the net and never have a PA appointed at all.

If he leaves his flat they could say he's no longer entitled to state funded housing? They could kind of wash their hands of him and make him your responsibility?

If he got mugged and he thinks it'll happen again it must be targeted due to something he's mixed himself up in. So moving to yours could just bring this same trouble to your door.

I hope he's not being cuckooed or anything like that? Have you or son been to his flat recently? You could as PP said offer to help him get some kind of security measures like a camera.

But moving in with you I think could be too much of a risk. What happens if it goes tits up and he refuses to leave? It could get quite dark.

It is really unfair to expect a 16 year old, who's already traumatised to get 2 buses to get to college.

Has he got an EHCP?

He should be receiving care from the council's "virtual school for looked after children" this is not a school in the true sense of the word but a team who looks out for looked-after children/ young people's educational needs. He should have a named person who'd be the first point of contact for him (or whoever else is involved in his care) to ensure he has an education plan that is realistic and achievable. And as I say, most 16 year olds even if they were living with their parents, would find it hard to go college if it's miles away and 2 buses away.

Poor lad, though i am not surprised. Those who receive the least from leaving care teams are the ones who need it most.
He should be getting a clothing allowance (think it varies across local authorities but should be approx £200 a year) and leisure allowance which where I am is £50pcm to do stuff like gym membership, football, art, music, etc. Also a setting up home allowance ("suha") which, again not sure if it varies but where I am it's about £2,000 to furnish his first home. So if he didn't get this then maybe this can be looked into.

Even care leavers who have moved back home get this support and a named PA.

IF he had a really good one now would be the time for them to step up.

Shared Lives can be an option for some care leavers, where you live in a family home. I have heard it described as "fostering for adults" and it can work really well but he may not be accepted due to past drug history.

Poor lad, though i am not surprised. Those who receive the least from leaving care teams are the ones who need it most.
He should be getting a clothing allowance (think it varies across local authorities but should be approx £200 a year) and leisure allowance which where I am is £50pcm to do stuff like gym membership, football, art, music, etc. Also a setting up home allowance ("suha") which, again not sure if it varies but where I am it's about £2,000 to furnish his first home. So if he didn't get this then maybe this can be looked into.

Even care leavers who have moved back home get this support and a named PA.

IF he had a really good one now would be the time for them to step up.

Shared Lives can be an option for some care leavers, where you live in a family home. I have heard it described as "fostering for adults" and it can work really well but he may not be accepted due to past drug history.

No. I've seen this happen to a friend of my DS. Taking someone in, it all being fantastic for a few months, then it went downhill, falling out, toxic, drugs....and being stuck with the visitor as they had nowhere to go. Its only just been resolved after more than 12 months of stress.

I don’t think implementing “house rules” is an effective way to help someone on drugs, and OP has no idea if he’s clean.
This is the type of strategy that the parents of addicts are strongly advised against using. It usually fails.

Somebody else mentioned doing random drug tests. Don’t do this, OP. It’s not your place.

If you want to help him, help him to find professional help from people who know what they are doing.

The boy isn't just "scared", he likely has PTSD. Living in a house where he feels safe is a start, but without professional support, that fear can manifest as withdrawal, depression, or even a relapse into drug use as a coping mechanism.

Thing is, it sounds like you could help him. I know I would blame myself if something happened to him and it could have been avoided.

What if you agreed to a trial period, say a month? Set rules from the start: no tolerance for alcohol or drugs, he must agree to seek counseling or support (he might need help with finding it), he contributes to the household (even if it’s just helping with dishes or keeping his space spotless, he needs a routine to avoid falling into a "slump").

The goal should be helping him find a new, safer permanent living situation, not just hiding from the old one.

It is not unreasonable to say no. But I think I would at least try.

I would just want to know how he actually paid for the drugs at 16 with no job in the first place.. eg did he get in the habit of stealing? Habits like that can be hard to break. Also, what kind of drugs was he addicted to? Some are easier to stay off than others.

My friend’s mum took in her homeless grandson who was into drugs. He just stole off her so she threw him out & only allowed him round to hers for a hot meal - yet he STILL stole from her so she had to stop that too. Sadly he died from a cocaine overdose (it had been cut with fentanyl).

It’s easy to say to OP that if her son’s friend tests positive for drugs ‘just throw him out’ but that is an incredibly hard thing to actually do when someone is pleading with you and has nowhere else to go but the street…

Help from a distance if you want to, but please do not move an addict in.

I would only let him stay if you have any way of knowing for sure the ambush isn’t debt related. The last thing you need is issues at your door.

I'd say no because you have absolutely no idea why he was attacked. It won't be so easy for him to avoid drugs once he's been involved, and if his friends were too. For the sake of your DS I'd say no but talk to him about it beforehand to explain why you are doing it. The care system should be able to find him somewhere safe, perhaps somewhere well away from the area.

@Birdsongisangry - I was giving you the courtesy of replying to your post.

This seems to be angering you, this was never my intention-my initial post was in response to OP. You sound increasingly angry when tea to my posts. This is not my intention. So to prevent you further upset, I will no longer be responding to your posts. Wishing you peace.
And OP - my personal opinion remains you would jeopardise your and your family’s safety if you let him stay in your home.

I would want to help this young person, if I could.
At 17 they could still turn their life around.
My son had a hell of a time in school. Had he not had us as parents he would have dropped out of school and college, and would have a different life to the one he has now.
That’s why young people in care need, good adults to fight for them. Even if they can’t move in with you, can you help find them a safer place to live? fight for a college place? be a listening ear? what other help is available? sometimes it is a case of research, and getting them to apply for support.

do you have any other children at home? my eldest had a friend in a very similar situation and we seriously considered taking him in. it came down to the fact that we had two younger children to protect and we couldn't put them at risk. otherwise we would have taken him in without a doubt. you could completely turn his life around.

I would but with conditions. Regular ( random ) drug tests, he lives by your house rules and is a useful member of the household. I would also review it on a regular basis so he works to get independence

No. It’s very sad for him but you don’t bring drug trouble into your and your children’s home. He should keep his flat. He’s lucky in a way to have that. You can support in other ways. He’ll need to get into a job or college, can you help with that? Maybe take him grocery shopping, help him do a budget, have him over for a meal or sleepover but not move in.

I’d be terrified of my own son ending up on drugs tbh.
My younger sister went through rehab in her early twenties. I actually left home just to get away from her. I ended up with mh problems from the stress of living with her and I would never ever live with another addict, whether they say they’re clean or not. It was hell.
My cousin was also on drugs and dealing a little. His mum had threats that they would burn her house down with her kids inside if she didn’t pay his debts and his dad (they were separated) got threatened with kneecapping.
In a perfect world, it would be lovely to take him in and change his life. In reality, I wouldn’t even consider it. You have to prioritise your own son. Never mind moving him on, I’d be up the wall about my son even being friends with someone who is involved with drugs.

Yes, I'm capable of reading that, and if you'd cared to read the lengthy thread instead of just the first post you would have seen the conversation had moved on.

@Birdsongisangry - she was posting because her son wants to move him in Lovely💐

Could you offer instead to help him move somewhere safer near to you? He sounds in need of a bit of support.