AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

I'd be more concerned with his dismissive attitude to be honest. Won't pay money for something quality when he can get something for free, it doesn't sound like a world view of someone I'd like to be with.

This. @MellowRedHiker don't tie yourself to a miserly tight-wallet who is always on the look-out for a freebie.

Frigg right off 😂😂

I am happy in my partially silent world where my brain is fully functional and exercised daily by the many many other fulfilling elements of my life - I.e career, connections, sport. I’m not exactly pootling about like a mute letting my Braincells succumb to nothingness.

They are helpful and considerate things to do, but it's not the OP's responsibility to counteract his unwillingness to take reasonable steps to be able to hear. He just doesn't think it's important to be able to hear the OP. It's not a good sign.

If he said he had ED and wouldn't take viagra, would you be advising the OP to go buy some sexy underwear and give him a striptease to help him? She's not a rehab service for incompetent men.

where do you meet him? Don’t pick noisy pubs or bars and try to make sure there’s enough lighting so that he can see you.

Try and speak clearly and use expressions and gestures to help aid his understanding.

there are plenty of resources to help improve communication.

I would walk away from this relationship. You've only had 4 or 5 dates. It sounds like he has a busy life and has been single for a long time. It sounds like having a meaningful relationship is pretty low on his list of priorities. He's showing a very stingy attitude and it sounds like he has plenty of money but is selective on what he's willing to spend it on. His comment about not buying batteries because they should be 'free' on the NHS would give me the ick.

The main issue though, as that he just doesn't care that he can't hear you and any impact that might have on your dates together and the communication between you. You absolutely cannot be making demands on him around hearing aids. Just tell him you aren't able to communicate properly with him so you don't want to pursue a relationship with him because communication is very important to you. If he likes you and is serious about a relationship, he will tell you he will sort it out and he will do it. Otherwise, let him go.

I think you may have misquoted my post? As I didn't mention vanity at all.

Although maybe vanity does play a part for some people I personally have had several strangers tell me I'm "not old enough to need that" (ie. My mobility aid). It's a funny old world. And by funny I mean absolutely not geared towards disabilities. (I don't care about my perceived age or lack thereof btw but clearly random strangers do!😂)

My mobility aid is also very exhausting to use, and unreliable in lots of situations, and means I am stereotyped by people or expected to spill my medical history on any random Tuesday, it changes how I am treated (it's much, much more obvious than a hearing aid). I'd say 75% of people try their best to be understanding. The other 25% make me despair at humanity. So I do get it, that some people don't want to use adaptations. I live it too.

I think we all have different needs even within each bracket of disability, it hurts my brain to think about it really. But it does seem like private hearing aids are the best for adaptability/fine tuning as per pp.

It’s interesting this is the second post I’ve seen on AIBU in as many weeks suggesting people with hearing loss are being lazy or selfish in not wearing hearing aids. As previous posters have said, it’s not the same as wearing glasses as hearing aids don't give you perfect hearing or anything close.

Tbh, I’m really saddened and disappointed at the lack of empathy on these threads. If you find it tiring making an effort to communicate with one person, imagine how exhausting it is for that person to try to communicate with everyone. It is very isolating to lose your hearing - even with hearing aids in it is really difficult to engage in conversation and socialise with background noise - air con, music or radio or out of the home in a pub or restaurant with other people. And, it is really upsetting when people become obviously frustrated with you not being able to hear what they are saying. People treat you like you are a hindrance or like you are stupid.

I understand that you might find it frustrating that you feel he has a solution that he doesn’t use, but as others have said it is not a perfect solution and you might not feel the benefit even if he used them. It is a bit like being frustrated that your friend can’t keep up with you when you run because they won’t use crutches for their broken leg because they find it hard to use crutches - even with the crutches they won’t be able to keep up with you so you have to reflect on whether you have the tolerance for that, but be realistic that you are the one ruling them out of your life because they have a broken leg not because they won’t use the crutches.

And, there is a link between dementia and hearing loss - which is one of the reasons I wear my hearing aids pretty much all the time - but part of that link (as I understand it) is to do with the fact people with hearing loss are often socially isolated because of the difficulties staying socially involved when it is so hard to communicate with other people.

To those who are understanding and try to involve those of us with hearing loss: turning to face us, patiently repeating things and turning the background music off when it’s clear we can’t hear - thank you❤️.

edited for formatting

I used to have the same thing with my mum and it’s so much easier now she has hearing aids!

As for your situation, being able to communicate with each other is vital and there’s nothing wrong with not continuing if communication is too difficult for any reason, including this one.

I couldn't put up with that kind of "attitude problem" from any friend/family, let alone a potential partner/boyfriend.

I can only do with people who actually help themselves rather than relying constantly on "freebies" or other people adapting for them,

Yes, I know all about hearing aids. I have them myself. Yes, the NHS ones can be pretty useless - I've had two sets over the years and neither were helpful at all so after trying for several months each time (with multiple return appointments at the local hospital audiology dept) I gave up with them each time and muddled through without.

But eventually, I realised it was impacting my life and that of my friends and family, and also my work, so I bit the bullet and went private. What a massive difference! Yes, expensive, but the service was second to none, I could get them "tweaked" with minor adjustments to suit my environment, plus different extra settings for loud environments etc - adjustment appointments were free and easy to arrange, none of this waiting for months, they could usually fit me in within a few days for an appointment time that suited me, not the "take it or leave it" attitude of the NHS.

The OP's boyfriend is probably right that the NHS hearing aids havn't been properly calibrated for him, but that up to him to keep going back to get them adjusted. If he still can't do with them, then it's up to him to go private instead to get better ones properly calibrated to his hearing and his environments.

If he can't be arsed to do that, he doesn't deserve a partner/girlfriend!

This is a fair point. Hearing aids tend to struggle so I would likely turn mine down and off in a situation where there was a loud radio, someone opening and closing drawers, chopping noises and multiple people talking

Environments with competing noises are a real struggle for hearing aids

As a hearing aid wearer for mild hearing loss, do you know what it is like wearing them? As someone else has said it’s not like glasses or a physical mobility aid for example. It can take a lot of getting used to and can be really overwhelming and overstimulating sometimes because they maximise everything, after a day wearing them I have to say I am glad to take them off and can struggle sometimes in busier environments to remain focused on conversation because the background noise amplified is really hard to block out which in itself is exhausting and actually also adds to the isolation in social situations which you would think not being able to hear would be the case. I live by myself and work from home a lot so to be honest often during these times I don’t wear them as don’t need to and can find it exhausting wearing them for extended periods of time, the whole lived experience is different. I would have a sensitive conversation explaining your understanding but also that it is a two way street that he will need to try and take steps to also help himself, above all for his own benefit as well.

I remember when my now late DH started to find it harder to hear.
He obviously found it frustrating, and there was an inevitable period of denial where he accused us all of mumbling.
I tried to make adjustments, such as attracting his attention and looking straight at him, etc, but it wasn’t always possible, for example whilst one of us was driving.
I missed the spontaneous conversation, pointing out something of interest in passing ( often by the time he heard it was no longer in sight). I pretty much stopped communicating about anything ‘trivial’
He wouldn’t use subtitles on the TV and I struggled with the volume as I couldn’t ignore it whilst I read.
He then tried a hearing aid, got on pretty well with it, and things improved greatly.
TBH if your boyfriend dismisses your concerns during this ‘honeymoon period’ of your relationship ( which of course he is fully entitled to do. It’s his choice), then I don’t see much future for you.

You can drive while completely deaf.
I know of bus drivers who are deaf

Edit- there was a post about being able to drive if deaf, which got deleted but I hope they don't mind that I've kept in my response because its a common thing people are surprised by!

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He understands me face to face but in a busy household with kids I'm often talking while cooking or making lunches etc and I repeat and repeat and repeat, often yelling over the radio on loud. I cannot live my life like this.

Why on earth would you expect somebody to be able to hear you over all that? Even with a hearing aid, that would just amplify the music, the kids, the cooking and everything else, making it equally impossible to hear and painful as well to boot.

This is more a you problem than a him problem.

I’m not going to quote the post up thread, but to say that dealing with someone’s disability is ‘annoying’ is dreadful and you should think hard about your attitude to disability.

I feel for him OP but it doesn’t seem like he’s in the headspace to deal with it really.

It might not be vanity. People often said to me about ones you can hide better etc and it seems like a lot of the focus on development has gone in improving the size/aesthetic rather than function.

The reason I struggled with mine wasn't because of the look.

Hearing aids distort sound which is disorienting, very tiring and sometimes even painful. It can be piercing, or a wall of sound in many situations.

I feel like in some situations its actually harder for me to hear things like speech with them on, then it is for me to have them off and use people's lips to help.

People often say get hearing aids, pop them in, turn them up etc without realising there's a reason why people turn them off in lots of situations, or take them out.

OP. You have to take the advice of hearing aid wearers here. As previous posters have said, they’re not a magic fix and you can’t compare them to wearing glasses. Noisy places, such as restaurants can be a nightmare, especially those without carpets or curtains to dampen the noise.

Spending lots of money on expensive aids isn’t always a solution to the problem. I’ve never had a problem with my NHS aids that couldn’t be sorted by the audiologist. I can Bluetooth them to my phone, use my phone as a microphone and see how much battery life there is left. One battery usually lasts a week. Don’t assume NHS aids are a poor option.

Many hearing aid wearers lip read without realising that they are. Facial expressions add a lot to communication, so facing the person you’re talking to is very helpful, whether or not they are wearing hearing aids.

Hearing loss isn’t easy to contend with. It’s a disability for me, and some understanding from those trying to communicate with me is appreciated, but it is also incumbent on me to explain to them what makes hearing, even with aids, a challenge and how they can help.

Perhaps, OP, this isn’t the man for you.

Hearing aids don't fix anything - instead of just the hiss from Tinnitus and voices covered by surrounding noise, you get an amplified hiss from the hearing aids and all the things that are in surrounding noise that match the frequencies you can't hear well amplified as well - whilst something like being in a room where somebody claps is tolerable without them, it can switch to feeling like a screwdriver being shoved through your eardrum, for example (and there is no setting to deal with people clapping like seals, sadly).

Add in that it sounds as though he's been given aids that chew through energy (113s, I suspect) and they are both expensive and, along with all other size batteries atm, not as easy to get hold of despite the advertised sales and it's not entirely surprising that he's not a fan.

The only way to get used to hearing aids is to wear them!

I just put mine in and left them in from day one. If you keep faffing about by putting them in and out for short periods to "get used to them" you just have to keep repeating the initial brain adjustment over and over again.

To start with paper rustles loudly, cutlery going into a drawer sounds loud etc. - you just adapt.

It is such a pain when people do not wear their aids. I have a close relative who "couldn't get on with them" - AKA kept taking them in and out! Having to speak loudly is a blooming nuisance - and completely unnecessary!

Hearing aids are not perfect, even with expensive ones - none of them are good at crowded environments and there is always a compromise to be made.

If this guy thinks repeated batteries are no good, then it is much more likely to be the aids that are faulty. He needs to go back and sort it out - but, as others have said, that is his decision to make. And only you can decide whether he is a keeper.

I am disabled and need a mobility aid, a different type, but I realised that being stubborn/nervous and not using it was causing me and my loved ones more problems (ie. It is a very obvious symbol that I have a disability to help myself and others when I'm in public, and it means I can navigate better without someone having to guide me etc). But I spent a lot of time rejecting it, making things worse for everyone.

In your case, I'd say he is being selfish and it may come from fear, or stress, or another justifiable reason. But you're free not to date him because of it, I wouldn't want to shout constantly either. I would be direct with him about that if you genuinely like him.

Hearing loss is linked to a higher risk of dementia too, I think? Which would also worry me if it became a long term relationship. Or if his hearing gradually gets worse and he STILL refuses aids. It is a topic for legitimate therapy, I've had to have it myself to get to grips with changes.

However, men who totally refuse help, solutions, and adjustments, well, to me that's a red flag.

He hasn't looked properly into ways of making his own life fundamentally better, but again, that is his choice .. All you can do is decide what you'll tolerate. It's not remotely ablist to "reject" him, because it's based on his stubbornness rather than simply because he's deaf.., But people on here will probably accuse you of that..but often they don't know how truly frustrating it can be living with sensory disabilities, either in yourself or loved ones. Flexibility and common sense has to come into play to get the most out of life with disability.

As an NHS HA wearer I find this bit makes him look vain and pathetic.

They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up

That said OP ( and anyone else living with a person with hearing loss ) it will help if you’re looking at him when you speak.

Wherever you’re looking, you’re speaking.

I get that it’s tiring repeating everything.
I find it tiring having to say ‘sorry?’, ‘say that again’, ‘you what?’ to people looking the other way, or down at their phone or talking in a group but they’ve suddenly asked me something.

In this instance, I don’t think you’re compatible and it’s on him, his stubbornness ( or vanity ).

You really need to read up on the connection between hearing loss and cognitive decline. You are putting yourself at greater risk of dementia.

OP, YANBU. Throw this one back.

I quite like that it’s a little bit more effort for folk to talk to me

Sorry - that just makes you sound like dick. And it would certainly annoy me in someone I was getting to know or in the early stages of a relationship with.

do I give up now

Well I would. No new relationship should be this hard work.