AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

This thread is really interesting. I started by thinking YANBU but it’s clear now that hearing aids are really tough for a wearer especially if used to quiet.
Thanks for sharing .

@MellowRedHiker I wouldn't bother

My late father wore hearing aids and he was lucky that he didn't have too many issues with them, but funnily enough, he said the old ones were better than the new ones. He hung onto the old ones until they didn't work. As ever, the fancy new version of something isn't as good.

I am sympathetic to the fact that people have problems wearing them but I'm also sympathetic to those who have to shout to be heard

I think my mum needs hearing aids now, but she refuses to admit it. She roundly criticised her friends who wouldn't wear them and now she's doing the same.

I don't see this as a situation that's going to get better. So I don't see the benefit in starting a relationship with this guy. I also wouldn't ask somebody to change at this point. He probably won't, but there's a risk he'll tell you that he will in order to start a relationship.

I’d be flipping furious if someone did that to me it’s so condescending and self serving.
I think it is condescending to assume that someone with a hearing disability might not want to be as helpful to those around them as would be expected of someone with good hearing.
Having a disability does not absolve one of responsibilities to others.

How odd - "I quite like that it’s a little bit more effort for folk to talk to me" - is this because you want to feel special or are you anti social? Hard work either way tbh and don't be surprised if your circle starts to narrow. My aunt was like you and we don't bother inviting her out as much now as she lives in her own little world unless everyone focuses on her and makes a special effort just for her - tiresome. Agree with PP you should check the correlation with living in your own bubble and cognitive decline.

What?!

I would just be open and honest with him and say I really like him and could see a future but the fact he won’t sort his hearing out is really making you think twice about continuing the relationship.

Explain how it makes you feel and knowing that the option to make it better could easily be explored yet he won’t is frustrating.

Just thinking as well... even when I am wearing my hearing aids, there are some people I just cant hear. I dont know if its their tone or what but I still have to ask them to repeat themselves all the time and really concentrate on them. Is your BF the same with everyone or is it just you?

I also find there is a sort of delay when I'm using my HAs. Almost as if my brain has to spend a split second deciphering the signals from the HAs. Maybe it's because there is just so many signals from the HAs?

I’ve worn hearing aids since the age of 46 and they took a couple of weeks to get used to. They’re not perfect but a damn sight better than being unable to hear or being not present. I got used to them after a couple of weeks of consistent use - they’re in from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. And yes the link between hearing loss and cognitive decline is huge - I don’t want to exacerbate that possibility.
If haven’t put them in in the morning before a shower if I’m washing my hair I feel a bit disorientated to be honest and it is unfair to ‘make’ people shout so you can hear them, I feel I’m missing out without them.

Hearing aids are not perfect whatever you pay.
My concern would be the indifference of your partner to the needs of those around him as well as himself.

I love my NHS hearing aids (much of the time but not all) which Bluetooth to my phone allowing me to play music, take calls etc straight into my ears.

But wearing them is tiring. I get headaches. Noisy and busy places are disorienting and make me feel dizzy

when I want to relax taking my hearing aids out is a similar feeling to taking my bra off. It’s removes the stress and pressure.

it’s nothing like wearing my glasses and they are ups and downs with it.

theres a lot of garbage on this thread from ‘experts’ who don’t wear aids.

I am.guessing this is why hearing loss is related to increased risk of dementia. Being socail decreases your risk. My mum was a bit deaf but got around that by accusing me of talking to softly.

All of those things are no easier (I'd actually say equally damn near impossible) once the surrounding noise is amplified by hearing aids and supplemented with the background noise of the hearing aids themselves - even before there's any tinnitus riding over the top of the mix.

I'm quite glad that DP is a normal, decent human being though, as he doesn't feel he's a crutch for a malfunctioning human, any more that I do when I'm plumbing in a new washing machine or putting together flat pack because he hasn't got the greatest spatial reasoning skills.

You've only met him 5 times.
You're not going to change him to suit you.

I agree. That’s a petulant attitude and off-putting in an adult. “I’ll cut my nose to spite my face.”

Hearing aids nowadays have settings for focusing on the speaker in front of you, or allowing more background noise etc. Is he even keeping up with what’s available?

The noise from all those motorbikes won’t be great for his remaining hearing.

I hate my hearing aids and don't wear them. They are NHS ones and I am struggling to understand how private ones would be £3000 better (and I'd need two). I wonder if your partner feels like that?

They also aren't the panacea that people seem to think they. They dont work like glasses. You don't just put them in and you can hear again. There is a reason why a lot of people don't wear them.

As an introvert I would love a partially silent world but I watched my SIL (ex physics teacher, socially active etc. slide into dementia, in part because she just refused to wear her hearing aids. People avoided her because she would get angry with them for “mumbling” and her house was impossible to visit because her radio or TV would be turned up to full volume. Her carers quit because she shouted at them, she had no idea how to speak in a normal voice. Her world became very small.

I’m not pretending hearing aids are not without their problems but the alternative seems worse.

You’re over here acting like that I’m a deaf mute? 😂 Of course we have stupid wee jokes and have a great relationship with spontaneous. I’m partially deaf- not a recluse. Which means people are a bit more considered / deliberate about communicating with me and just don’t expect me to hear them hollering from upstairs / across an office which is what works to my advantage.

Im not here walking through life deliberately ignoring people in perpetual solitude.

God forbid someone with a lived experience of having a disability comes and shares their experience and admits that it’s not the end of the world for them and that available tech actually doesn’t benefit them and that they manage without.

It's extremely tiring living with someone who misses a lot of what you say.

And yes, you are at a much higher risk of dementia if you have hearing loss.

And yes, they are harder to get used to and take a bit of looking after.

If this is irritating you now, I'd call it a day.

This.

Possibly consider whether your communication could change? He isn’t the only person you know who is Deaf or has hearing loss, I can guarantee you that.

If you’re not able or willing to change, then fine, stop seeing him.

Good advice, especially the telling him you can't have a relationship with him unless he starts to deal with his hearing loss. You shouldn't be compromising so early in a relationship. He needs a "nudge" to take it seriously and deal with it and if that means threatening to break up with him, then so be it. You'll soon see how serious he is about you.

Good advice, but you can't always choose quiet places, i.e. shopping centres, airports, train stations, restaurants etc are all often inherently noisy, so if he won't help himself, then you're always going to struggle, not just getting him to hear you, but you'll end up having to deal with other people, i.e. ordering meals, asking shop assistants, communicating with airport staff, etc., as he won't be able to hear what they're saying to him, won't be able to hear announcements etc. You'll end up being his "crutch" in all the normal/loud places.

There are plenty times it works to my advantage to be honest

Fine. But it’s not to the advantage of anyone else. Of course you are the main "sufferer" and how you cope is up to you, but you are surely aware that you’re not the only one affected. As someone who lives with a partner with a hearing problem I have to say I find it enormously frustrating and I don’t understand why someone with that problem wouldn’t want to at least try to improve things.

If your DH is happy with the way things are, obviously no problem. But you are both missing out on all those little shared things that contribute a lot to a relationship - the muttered aside, the casual, spontaneous comment, the off-the-cuff joke.

If I were OP I would tell him it’s a deal-breaker. If he tries good ones and really can’t get on with them, fair enough I suppose (though I have a friend who turns hers off in crowded, noisy places but keeps them switched on all the rest of the time) but to not even try properly just seems selfish to me. Sorry.

Oh get a grip- I don’t sit there ignoring people calling my name and pretend to be deaf. But it makes people more deliberate and considered about what and when they speak to me and it can save folk asking me questions for the sake of it, and I also get less phone calls / random drops past my desk which helps unnecessary interruptions at work so I can get more done.