AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

Whatever You decide to do, he is shoring up big problems for himself in the future. If his auditory nerve isn’t getting enough stimulation in the way of an effective hearing aid then over time, his brain will slow down lose the ability to interpret speech in normal time.

You are four dates in and you are frustrated and exhausted at exactly the point when everything should be shiny and new and exciting.

By all means tell him honestly how you’re feeling but don’t expect miracles. He’s showing you how he deals with his own health and it’s up to you to decide whether you could live with this. I couldn’t.

If you are finding it frustrating after 4-5 dates, it's not going to get better. His hearing loss won't resolve itself. Can you live with that.
My DM has loss and refuses to contemplate aids because that's acknowledging that shes old. Conversation is incredibly frustrating as everything has to be repeated 2-3 times. I find myself talking to her less and less because it's irritating, especially as it's solvable, but she just refuses to even try.So you aren't wrong to consider whether there is a future in this relationship

My NHS ones were adjusted I think 3 times but in the end they did just shrug and say "it is what it is". I havent seen them since but tbf I've not chased them either.

If buying private was hundreds I'd be more open to them but £4000+ (I need 2) is a lot to spend on something I'm not sure will work.

Doesn't have a hearing issue but can never hear you??

Has he had his hearing tested?

I could do this with mine but choose not to as it gives me a headache. I just keep my aids on and turn off the Bluetooth.

Man this breaks my heart. My son is deaf. He finds hearing aids in a crowded place incredibly difficult and not actually helpful. They magnify sound, they do not replace lost hearing. Your speech is as magnified as the speech of others.
Hearing fatigue is a real thing. It takes twice as much energy to “hear” speech when you don’t have it.
your new chap does need to go back to audiology and have the aids tested though, sweat corroded my sons and the batteries were dying after an hour,
please give this guy a chance if “hearing” or lack of it is the only issue.

My DH doesn’t have a hearing issue but can never hear me but this seems to be lately! It infuriates me! I can’t always remember to talk loudly and repeating myself is so annoying! However he’s my DH and perfect if every other way and literally can’t help it, this new fella of yours can change things but won’t… I’d throw him back!

My private ones are chalk and cheese compared with the NHS ones.

My audiologist explained that the private ones are the latest version but that some/all NHS trusts are buying older versions from the same supplier.

But it's not just the aids themselves, the time/quality of the tweaking is also chalk and cheese. For mine, the private audiologist spent ages "tweaking" the settings, then did repeat hearing test/tweaking a couple of weeks later, and again another couple of weeks later. Taking on board my comments about what I could hear, what was causing problems, and making adjustments. Compare that with the NHS where the initial "fitting" was a rushed 10 minute appointment, no tweaking at all, just uploaded the settings from the hearing test, with a "call us if any problems" which I did, and couldn't get a review appointment for 2/3 months later, which was another 10 minute appointment with another disinterested worker who basically dismissed my comments and just shrugged saying "it is as it is"!

I don't have the answer to this I'm afraid but I can totally sympathise. My late DM was rather deaf over the last 10 years of her life. She was given an NHS hearing aid but said she 'couldn't get on with it'. I found it very draining having to constantly repeat myself,plus the added irritation of her thinking that every time I spoke to someone else who was with us,I was speaking to her. After a few hours of this,I felt mentally exhausted!

The biggest preventer of dementia is wearing hearing aids.

The problem with NHS aids is they tend to be bought from one supplier (usually the one offering the best deal to gain the contract) and with HAs you do need to try different ones from different manufacturers. I bought mine privately because the only aids my local trust would supply were Phonak and to me they sounded tinny and awful.

If you do decide to buy, you can try aids for up to 60 days and get a refund. You can then repeat the process with aids from another manufacturer until you the find right ones for you (or not). A good audiologist will spend time fine-tuning the aids to achieve the right sound for you.

I've just checked my supplier's price list and their most expensive aids with the latest technology are £3895 per pair; the cheapest are £1895 per pair. It's also worth noting that with HAs the most expensive ones don't equate to the best sound quality; it's very subjective.

After two trials with other manufacturers, I settled on Widex. They cost just under £3k and I could hear perfectly from day one when my audiologist set them up for me.

I should have clarified. He is the one who turns the radio on really loud, not me. He listens to talk radio which is near impossible anyway in a busy hour in the morning, but he turns it up so loud that he can hear it clearly but then can't hear me. Then expects me to yell above all the noise so he can hear.

There are some who would definitely benefit from using HAs, but still have enough hearing to get by and kid themselves the problem lies with people who mumble or don't pronounce their words properly.🙄

Audiologists can testify it's the non-deaf partner in any relationship who is usually the one who feels the greatest relief when HAs are finally fitted.

Vanity seems to be the main reason people resist wearing aids and it's only when they can't hear a thing without them they concede defeat.

I have an NHS hearing aid the kind with bluetooth and connect to my phone, they work really well. The expensive ones do the exact same thing, but cost a lot and some are chargeable, no one sees mine as it is a clear tube into the ear so people are surprised I have one in. The less he uses them the worse the hearing becomes. He's not doing himself any favours. I'd throw this one back.

Plenty of advice here and I haven’t searched each results page but haven’t seen anyone else mention - the newer Apple AirPods Pro are £250 and can act as hearing aids, if that might be a lower cost lower stakes and more palatable solution

This sounds very frustrating OP.

It’s not exactly the same, but my
DS has ADHD, and I find it very frustrating to have to go through a separate exercise of getting his attention before speaking to him. Not his fault but it is frustrating, especially when you need to just ask someone something quickly.

I would break it off tbh, as he’s a boyfriend not your son! Or at least make it clear that it’s either working hearing aids (at his expense) or break it off.

My DH has hearing aids but doesn't wear them all the time and it is so frustrating for me as well as him. If I raise my voice he tells me not to shout. If I speak normally he asks me endlessly to repeat. Or yes the farce of misunderstanding.
He's had an ear infection since January and sometimes he can't physically bear wearing them, but every time I suggest he sees the GP he says oh my ears are almost better now. No they bloody aren't.
I'm so fed up with not being able to have a straight forward conversation.

Ask him how to communicate with him? Tell him you are finding it hard.

My mum had a learning curve with hearing aids too, took some time to get them comfortable and working but thankfully she persisted. Otherwise we could only communicate by text.

It's also easier to communicate with no background noise. So noisy restaurants are pretty much impossible to talk in.

Well, it’s up to him isn’t it but I would find it annoying.

DH has significant hearing loss and has had hearing aids since he was a child. The first 10 years we were together he didn’t wear any as the ones he was offered on the NHS weren’t great and he felt self conscious and that the improvement wasn’t great enough.

About 5 years ago he invested in a private audiologist and some much better hearing aids. They’re virtually invisible, moulded to fit his ears so no gaps which means no feedback or hissing etc. it’s been an amazing change for him as well as me and DC. So much easier for everyone! It took him a while to adjust to wearing them but he’s never without them now.

My Dad on the other hand is an absolute bugger for not wearing his - largely because he lives along so doesn’t see the point and then forgets. It is so frustrating having to repeat myself constantly and talk painfully loudly…. Especially as when he does wear them we can have a completely normal conversation so they clearly do the job.

So yes, I know it would drive me mad. Fair enough if he’s not able to get ones that are effective etc and if he doesn’t want to then that’s his choice. I couldn’t live like that though if it was by choice.

It is worth saying some people get on fine with them. I'm just not one of those people, and know a lot of people who are similar regardless of how much we have tried!
My nhs ones are better than private options I tried too.
The Bluetooth feature is probably the saving grace for many!

Absolutely love mine wear them all day and pop in the charging case every night. I take phone calls through them and listen to music and podcasts direct to my ears

It's not necessarily a case of being 'used to quiet', it's that they add extra noise on top over and above standard noise, along with the sounds of tinnitus for many people as well.

The idea of being used to quiet? How I wish that were the case, but I haven't had a second of quiet for years - it doesn't get across that it's perfectly possible to have normal hearing in some ranges + amplified in the crossover frequencies + amplified in the reduced frequencies + the noise of the hearing aids + sounds of your hair touching the aids + wind noise + traffic noise + general noise in a noisy world oblivious to the effects + people alternately mumbling/turning their faces away + people shouting at you + sudden noises that cause pain.

You know what it feels like if you've been squinting at screens all day in bright light, then travelled home with the sun directly in your face and then you sit down, thinking you'll be able to rest your eyes for a bit, but somebody comes in and switched the Big Light on? It's the auditory version of that.

I would be concerned that his motivation to see if he can get the aids to work for him (and the others around him) is quite low and that he's quick to write off potential solutions that aren't free. My concern is that this would also apply to other aspects of life and health which would also be problematic.

4-5 dates is very early days and the relationship should be fun at this point. It shouldn't feel like you're battling to make it work, on either side. Adapting to change within a long term relationship is another matter, but a relationship shouldn't be hard work from the beginning.

(FWIW I have auditory processing difficulties so use a lot of strategies such as lip reading and struggle against background noise, but hearing aids wouldn't help as volume and hearing range isn't an issue. It could be a compatability issue to someone liking socialising in loud venues and expecting me to accompany them)

How incredibly selfish.

I wear hearing aids, so does my dad. He often leaves his office and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating to have to shout, repeat yourself ad nauseum .

read a later post - you may one day find your DH has had enough . I wouldn’t blame him.