AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

he unfortunately may not help as I have observed phones, games consoles left on floor that he run over with a chair

OOOH he sounds worser and worser, this wicked stepkid.🙄

Oh, wow. This has went on for far too long.

If this was any other 13 year old child treating you like this in your own home (your child, your friend’s child, your nephew, your grandson etc) the replies would be entirely different. But because this is a stepchild, he can apparently behave towards you however he likes and do whatever he pleases and he will never be held responsibile for his own behaviour. No matter how old he gets. It will be your fault and his father’s fault. Forever.

There is not a chance I would ever let my children witness someone treating me like this.

I think it’s time your DH saw his son outside of your home until his son can treat you with a basic level of respect that every single other adult in his life expects from
him.

It’s absolutely disgusting what some people think stepmums should have to tolerate.

You calling a child “that” is shocking.

That doesn't work legally if you are married and since you keep using DH I'm assuming you are. All assets are split from the 50/50 starting point.

I'm afraid it is your husband who is the problem. He is happy to sit around whilst you spend your day cooking, then expects you to do some more cooking, and then throws in a weeks worth of childcare without discussing it with you.

Your teenage stepson will copy the way he sees his father treating you, which sadly, is not a great example.

You need to set some boundaries.

Yes. I suppose those women have no reason to post on MN.

From what I see and know DSS has a good relationship with his mum and her DH and the other step siblings are also in the home EOW they just are slightly younger. dSS has his own room and space in both homes

So is it just him living with his mum & step dad?

See this is why I would never ever ever accept someone else’s child in my own home. So that means no man would ever be worth it if he has kids. What a shit bag of a child. No way would I want that in my home, around my kids or want to do a single thing for. Surely a man is not that important??
I certainly would NOT be cooking and including him in activities for my own children.

That’s ridiculous. Your husband should not be doing that. If he doesn’t answer you then he misses out on the panto etc and his dad should tell him not to be so rude.

Secondly your husband asking you if you had cooked for him - I would have laughed and assumed he was joking.

He needs to tell his son if he’s going to be in the house all day he needs to cook and clean up after himself. If you get back to a mess then pull him up on it. I’d take the mess to his room. Don’t leave enough food that he can eat it all. He should have a set screen time limit
and then go out with his mates or something.

Obviously the "DH" won't be doing any of that , he sees OP as the resident cook and housekeeper. There is no way for her to make him do it.

He very much does not belong, so his feelings are valid. Anyone who sees their kid 4 days a month and doesn't even parent on those few hours is...well, my post would be deleted if I used the words I want to.

Way to make the kid feel even less like he belongs.

I missed the post with relatives - mainly hers and two of his. I totally agree that the father is useless - but if she wants to keep her marriage (not sure why she would!) she needs to ensure all children are made to feel it's their home - and it's the deadbeat dad that needs to do that. She just needs a bit more sympathy to a 13 year old who doesn't feel he belongs.

If he’s eating more than 12 times the amount eaten by one of the OP’s DC as she claims, something is monumentally wrong.

“You also have a husband problem but that’s a different post.”

I don’t think it is. It’s 100% the problem here

YANBU

It’s very easy to feel sorry for the step child when you aren’t the one being disrespected in your own home.

Yes DH should be pulling him up on this and it will only get worse. However….DSS is 13 he’s not a little child, he knows right from wrong and is choosing to behave this like towards OP and it’s not on.

DH needs to have a proper conversation with him and if he continues to ignore you, not clean up after himself etc then he wouldn’t be welcome. Why should OP have to feel like this in her own home, she’s not asking for much just basic manners. This will start to have a negative effect on her own DC, if it hasn’t already.

Take all the snacks, all the stuff he eats and doesn’t clean. Put them where he can’t get them. He is abusing your house and doesn’t give a shit about or his dad. Dad needs to step in and say as long as dss is disrespectful to you then he will be getting nothing. You should never ever be made to feel unwelcome in your own home, this is YOUR safe space. This boy is 13, old enough to clean up after himself. If he can’t do it, he gets nothing, simple. And get dad to clean what he doesn’t do. Your husband needs to tell him this tho, not you. You also have a husband problem but that’s a different post.

I would call a family meeting, say you would like to live in a happier, more harmonious house and to be treated with respect.

Tell him what you've said here, you like him, think you treat him equally etc and you think it's more than reasonable that he's at minimum polite to you. Offer him the chance to say what his problem is, if he doesn't have one he has no reason to be rude. It's fair to limit his food to a normal amount. he should consider other people in the house. You could address that by saying we all need to consider each other etc re not talking specially about him.

Good luck with him. He sounds unhappy. Your husband isn't dealing with it well at all.

An unhappy blended family. Everyone unhappy. And probably have been for years.

And so it will stagger on until either you split up and carve out something happier for the remainder of their childhood or (more likely) it just gets unhappier.

Yes i feel sorry for him. Direct your anger at your DH

Something of a back pedal there from the impression you gave in your OP @Bookworm847

I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer

Your DSS seems to be learning "how to be a dick man" from your DH. They're both arses.

@Pieceofpurplesky the OP posted whose relatives were at the party, and no one can 'make' a parent function. She needs to prioritise herself and her kids and get the pointless man out of their lives.

Agree.
But men like this loser would quickly move on to someone else who is prepared to house them.
That is when the women, desperate to hang on to the loser, sacrifice their children's home by allowing it to to be used to hang on to them.
Its definitely a MN thing.

In real life it isn't something I have come cross. Divorced women, or those that have lost their husbands have completely prioritised holding on to their assets for their children whilst still having new relationships.
The men are never moved in to the home.
"Together but apart" being how they do it.
Very successfully too I might add.

Who was at the 'huge family gathering' was it just your family or some of your DH's? Your OP is full of 'my home'. Is it not his home too, albeit part time. Is he being made to stay for a week as you say 'DH agreed' - was it even your DSS' choice?.
I only point these out as my DS had a terrible time when he went to stay with his father and new wife. Everything was about her and he felt like an outsider. His 'bed' was a sleeping bag on a sofa. She always referred to 'her home' and him being a guest. She would cook things he didn't like and cry when he would eat them. He did end up not really speaking g to her and being rude if he had to go. From 13 he never went and now has no relationship with his dad - not spoken to him in over 4 years.
It might not be like that in your house but your DSS was 4 when you and his dad got together and it's clear he feels unwelcome in your house. His dad is with your kids a lot more than he is with him. Maybe have some sympathy to the situation - and make his dad be an actual dad before it's too late.