AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

You don’t need to limit him like he’s on a diet just don’t keep it all in a place where he can access too much crap all day. Can he come out with you and your son?

You need to insist that your husband parents him or backs you up to do so while he’s not there. Why are you scared it would be seen as an attack if you’ve left him plenty and offered a day out. Neither of his parents are even there!

He sounds distressed and lonely.

If the whole family had plans to go out including for dinner and he was invited in plenty of time but opted out, then there's no need for you to make him dinner even if you normally do most of the cooking for the household for whatever reason. If he's 13 and old enough to stay home alone, he's old enough to make a sandwich or microwave leftovers when he gets hungry, at the very least. His dad should make sure he knows how to do this. Or his dad could have given him money for a takeaway.

I realise that there are all kinds of different circumstances and it's difficult for your SS to go back and forth between households as his mum has moved, but it strikes me strongly that all of the children involved here are in their dads' care less than 10% of the time!!! It may not be able to be helped in the specific circumstances, but it shouldn't be normalised. And there's no excuse for the dads not doing their absolute best and putting the children above everything else when they do have them.

That’s how to give them eating disorders.

I think the point that you, and others, are missing is that there is one child in this scenario. One who has been messed about by the, frankly, selfish people in his life.

So, he didn’t want to go to dinner with people who are mainly strangers. He’s been displaying distress since his circumstances were changed by the adults around him. For TWO YEARS, so from he was 11 years old 😢.

And for some reason, he’s not only getting the blame for circumstances outwith his control, he’s also getting the blame for them forgetting completely about him when they were both at a “gathering” and the main focus is who was responsible for forgetting that he actually need to eat too!

Plus he seems to be getting the blame for not cooking beans on toast on Easter fucking Sunday, from a step parent who thinks he eats too much anyway and a parent who forgot he needed his dinner while drinking and playing football with children who aren’t his.

The only victim here is a child who has been let down by every adult in his life, while one of them is posting on an Internet forum about her “Prince” blaming her for them BOTH neglecting a wean.

He deserves better and the replies on here about a neglected child are truly shocking.

Plus, he is not a “kid” which is a baby goat,

He is a CHILD.

This
this child is not your responsibility and he sounds rude and entitled!

Agree, does the boy have a “safe space”?

His mum was the one who cut it down to EOW as she moved further away and OP says the school is even further out so not practical.

How can he possibly be there 50/50 when his father works away during the week?

The OP has already confirmed that 50/50 was changed to EOW by the child’s mother due to the logistics of him starting a secondary school which was close to his mum’s home and nowhere near where his father lives.

His parents haven’t been together since he was 4 and his mother is remarried.

His father does spend 1:1 time with him.

What’s the next excuse?

Pretty obvious your DSS is miserable and is acting out in the hope someone will notice… He doesn’t like you because he probably wants his parents to still be together or, failing that, at least spend time with his Dad alone. He only sees him 4 days a month so should be doing this 1:1 with him imo.

If the kid is part of the family - then he behaves like it.

If the kid were part of the family then he would still be there 50/50 and not have been cut down to every other weekend two years ago.

He is reacting to what he has been shown by his dad and step mum.

Is it? You wouldn't limit the food for your own children if they were eating say, an entire multipack of crisps and a whole family pack of mini rolls when they're for the whole family?

Anyway - YABU but only because it's your husband who is the issue here. How dare he expect you to be the skivvy for a child who won't even treat you with civility. If the kid is part of the family - then he behaves like it. At 13, I expect being more removed from family life - but his dad is allowing him to behave appallingly and is then backing it up with the expectations that you'll cook for HIS SON when you get home?! Is he not able to rustle up some beans on toast? Either the son or the dad for his son? Why on earth are you on point for that?!

You have a lazy entitled parent problem. Address that and stop making excuses for him. His son treats you the way he does because his ineffective dad allows it. The effing cheek of the man to expect you to cook for his son and to be responsible for him while he’s at work.

Take a good hard look in the mirror op because you are part of the problem by putting up with this.

I think there is a connection between this:
When DS was 4-10 we had him 50/50 but when he started secondary school he [sic] didn’t work due to distance so his mum moved it to EOW

and

About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me

From DSS13 perspective he went from part of the family, there 50% of the time to no longer a part of the family and there every other weekend which is 14% of the time. He must have been terribly hurt and rejected. Why play happy families with his dad’s new family when he has been pushed away? Of course he is not going to want to go to family events (he’s been shown he isn’t part of the family) and then to be called rude and disrespectful, have his dad and you no empathy for him at all? You all go out to eat and then it’s 8pm and no one thought, not even his own dad, to bring him any food back? And you’re just as bad with the he can go hungry because he refused to go to the family event.

You both want respect from a child you both rejected? I think he is doing the perfectly natural response of keeping his distance so he doesn’t get hurt again.

Sounds like he's learned his disrespect from your husband. You've been out all day and he turns to you to ask what you'll be cooking his son? He can sort it himself! He needs to model respect so his son can see what it looks like

^ This

Yes, this kid has 4 adults in his life and seems he is back of the line with all 4. His parents need to step up.

Looks like it worked fine for a while, as she has been in this child’s life for a long time, but the behaviour in question has been over the past 2 years.

But you’re right, she doesn’t have to tolerate anything

Her husband can see stepson outside of her home until he can treat her with a basic level of respect that every single other adult in his life expects from him.

I'd say thank goodness for any future stepkids! Yet you'd expect a bloke to accept your dcs?

Contrary to the majority opinion, can I please say that you need to sit down calmly and discuss this with DH. By your own admission, he's a great step dad. He's probably as frustrated with his own child as you are but has the absent parent guilt, and hence is unable to discipline.
Why dont both of you work together to solve the issue? All teenagers, step or otherwise, will act out. Unfortunately, your DH has let it carry on for far too long, but please, please work with him together on this, for the sake of the child and your marriage.

My dh would be cooking if it were our own child in those circumstances op, so you are not being unreasonable. I also agree he needs to take the week off, and he needs to pull his finger out. Find something he’d like to go to/do, you ask him, he ignores you, and dh doesn’t repeat your question he says ok I guess it’s just us and Bob and Sarah, we’ll do it on the weekend <dss name> isn’t here since he doesn’t want to come. Be much more clear that not responding to you doesn’t always mean he still gets the question or option. But also reach out to him much more actively- he sounds like he’s struggling and it’s a difficult age and your dh needs to put more work into it. Starting with taking the week off, since he needs to put more of his own work into it not commit more of your work.

It’s absolutely disgusting what some people think stepmums should have to tolerate.

They don't have to tolerate anything.

The complications inherent in blending families should be thoroughly thought through before embarking on the blending. If it isn't clear how it is going to work for ALL parties, then don't just forge ahead into a boggy situation.

There IS a choice.