AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

I was thinking about this.

I have sons and there is not a chance that they wouldn’t have said something to SS in these circumstances.

How can @Bookworm847 parent a child who refuses to engage in any conversation with her? Who ignores her and walks off when she asks him a question. His father the only adult in the household who he speaks to should have sat down and found out why he feels angry towards SM or maybe he is taking his frustration out on her because really he’s angry at his dad, and explained that whatever issue he has needs to be aired and resolved by talking about it. His father is ignoring the elephant in the room, instead he repeats OP’s question like his son is deaf and pretends that life is A-OK!

I was with you until the childish HTH.

This is a DH problem. There is no way it’s acceptable for a child to ignore an adult for two years. How would DH feel if his son ignored DH’s parents or a teacher? Presumably he’d do something about it. So he should do something about it when he ignores you.

He needs to step up and parent properly. It sounds like they need more 1:1 time or this will get harder through teen years,

How do your children feel about everything? Are they happy or is this just all a drain on your focus and energy?

Kid is an informal word for child, for the entirety of the English-speaking world - including Scotland. I also don't live in London.

And you don't need to address me about victim blaming because I haven't blamed anyone apart from the husband and he isn't a victim. HTH.

It was Easter Sunday yesterday and even my friends who aren’t church goers had special/roast meals usually with extended family. I’m assuming that’s why you had a family gathering?

I cannot imagine going out for a special day not discussing or knowing what a 13yr old (or any age really) child would be eating, before you left - let alone both adults actively arguing later as neither wanted to cook something! At 13 he is old enough to cook himself but a conversation would have been had before leaving.

We are are Team Passover so I don’t know the usual etiquette but all my non Jewish friends seemed to have special meals and/or family round - mostly for lamb! As well as chocolate eggs and Easter egg hunts of course. It seems like an “important” festival day so it’s sad to think of a 13 yr old having a special day like this on his own with so little thought given to him and what he would be doing/eating. Your DH is a really really shit parent and you need to massively raise your bar.

This is really depressing to read.

(I have made the assumption you celebrate Easter, excuse me if not)

I'd also argue regardless of parentage that as OP did the lunch, the H should do any dinner needed when they're both off all day.

Thanks for proving my point.

He is old enough to make his own food, if there was food available. Given that he's helping himself elsewhere, I doubt he went hungry.

Did anyone ask him about how he felt about the impact his changed secondary school would have on arrangements? If not, then that's neglectful. However that is his father's responsibility.

And even though he's old enough to be home alone, unless the father is also checking in regularly, checking his son is ok with this, and ensuring enough food is there then that is also neglectful. OP has shown she does care but she is not legally nor morally responsible for this child - who has ignored her for 2 years (lack of boundaries and respect from his father there again) - so to expect her to change carefully laid plans with her own children last minute is very unreasonable of her H. Especially given he's not parenting effectively around his rudeness to his stepmother. I really don't see why OP should be expected to step in last minute with no notice and give up valuable leave (as well as make everything worse for her own children) for a child that is treating her with total disrespect but where she does not feel she has the authority to step in and address this.

The H in this situation is treating everyone incredibly badly and needs to take a week off to spend with his son to start to put things right. If not now, the next half term.

Plus “wean is a Scottish word for child. We don’t all live in London.

Arguing that Dad should cook a meal because he is his son seems odd to me.
I hope they don’t separate daily life like that all the time ?
I think if you dislike him so much you need to own it and reorganise your lives.

Then I can’t be arsed addressing your victim blaming.

Also - just to note - this child IS part of a family. Part of being in a family, is that sometimes you are told no. Another part of being in a family, is recognising that adults might go on a forum to sound off about a very specific part of life that is annoying them, without talking about everything else that they and the other party are doing to ensure that the child is fine.

I don't think this child did anything wrong not wanting to go to the Easter dinner. His father is completely at fault for getting into a strop about making him dinner. But even strangers living together will show basic courtesy to their housemates but saying hello and goodbye which is what I was referring to in my initial post.

No problem.

I think the point YOU are missing is that OP is asking about the fact that her husband got in a strop because he expected her to make a meal for his son, and the other stuff is just background.

The rest of the stuff you've written here I literally cba addressing. Not everything written down is what has literally, physically happened, just like your interpretation of what OP has shared isn't literally what has happened. A stepmum telling her husband to make the child a meal himself doesn't mean that a screaming match where they pass back and forth the responsibility, slinging insults about how he "eats too much anyway" probably didn't happen.

And if you're going to object to me using the word "kid" for child which as you well know is a completely normal informal word, then maybe you shouldn't be using "wean"?

At thirteen if he’s old enough to decide he doesn’t want to go to a family function where the rest of the family were eating, then he’s old enough to make himself beans on toast or something simple. And they weren’t virtual strangers - they were his step family who he’s known since he was four, and his grandparents were there. Nothing excuses his rudeness to OP - she is getting the brunt of it and her DH is doing nothing about it. That’s the problem.

Sorry I realised I had quoted the wrong post !

But my use of ‘your’ is not literal but ‘ a person’ in this situation.

Me? He’s not my child.

Age 13 he can be home alone.

He comes with the parent. So you are responsible in as far as you have accepted the parent into your life, and by default, also him.
You are the adult so whilst in your home he is both your responsibility. Both Dad and Stepmum. You cannot parent on some sort of severe dividing line of ‘he belongs to you only’. That makes for a very dysfunctional upbringing.

My family live within 3 roads of me and are very close- in and out of each others houses etc so have been involved with DSS since he was 4. He gets the same Xmas, birthday and Easter presents as my DS and is not treated any differently

Above post from OPer...

So, he didn’t want to go to dinner with people who are mainly strangers.

Mainly strangers?
He's known his step family and has been in their lives since he was 4 years old, nine years so hardly strangers.

By 13 a child knows what manners are and how to treat people, so I'm going against it being all DH's problem.

To many people forget that it's a parents/carers job to raise DC to become part of society in a way that they are civil to others around them, using excuses that DC have it hard due to family separation can be, in some cases bull and not an excuse to allow bad behaviour to continue and carried over into manhood/womanhood.

If your DH is expecting you to take on his DC and your DSS is expecting to be treated as one of the family then the same rules apply throughout to all involved.

Agreed.

Too many posters are too quick to take an adult's perspective.