AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

Why the fuck should he be there
Because it was his second home from age 4 to 10. He has step siblings.

Until it was taken from him.

OP is no saint.

Why is it natural consequences when you cheer on OP to be abusive to her step son for what is actually very common, mild, teenage behaviour but it isn’t natural consequences for a child to be withdrawn and unfriendly after all the adults decided to keep him from his dad and his dad’s new family?

If we are going to talk natural consequences, the rudeness seems to be the natural consequence of his dad, mum and OP pulling the rug out from under him with a bit of teen hormones on top.

You can’t punish a child into being nice to you when you’ve abandoned them and are actively making them a unwanted guest that you hide the biscuits from and refuse to feed them if they haven’t had any dinner.

Oh, I’m sure it was discussed with his wife. But ultimately, it’s not her decision, is it? Because she isn’t her stepson’s parent.

She’s even asking about that here, is she being unreasonable to demand that DS can only be at the house when his dad is physically also at the house because she doesn’t want him around at all.

And I don’t blame her. The child hasn’t spoken to her and has ignored her for the past 2 years. Why the fuck should he be there (why would he even want to be there) when his father - the only person he appears to interact with - isn’t there.

Not the OP’s responsibility, not the OP’s problem.

Quite frankly, she’s a saint for putting up with this for the past 2 years and for encouraging her children not to treat her stepson any differently. I wouldn’t have tolerated it. I’m not sure many people would.

It’s called natural consequences.

Add this entire fucked up dynamic on top of the fact that most teenagers go through rude and surly phases even in loving, stable homes where there’s no climate of you being the mistake between a mum and dad who went on to find new partners and new children. Zero empathy is being displayed here by the OP.

The logistics is also fuck all to do with the child.

What we have here is a Father who won't discipline his child, who he has also basically abandoned.

Of course the OP shouldn't have to put up with rudeness, but the root cause is her lazy prick of a husband (and also possibly a bit of abuse on her end giving she wants to withhold food).

I am apportioning blame on his dad and mum, and I say that the OP is somewhere between complicit and actively encouraging /driving a wedge.

Again what has OP done to deserve respect? Why should this child give her the time of day when she thinks it’s ok to withhold food so he goes hungry when he is visiting? That’s the kind of person she is.

You could be right that DH decided this without even discussing it with his dear wife of 11 years, the OP. She is absolutely just a bystander with no influence at all.

The most likely reality is that there was a discussion about it and OP had something to say about it. From her posts, I would not anticipate that she stood up for the boy and was all too happy to slash the contact time. She’s even asking about that here, is she being unreasonable to demand that DS can only be at the house when his dad is physically also at the house because she doesn’t want him around at all.

The logistics is fuck all to do with OP so stop blaming her just because shes a step mum.

Shes literally done nothing wrong and is faced with a disrespectful, messy, entitled teenager in her own home, who won’t even acknowledge her. I don’t bloody blame her for being annoyed.

But let’s all feel sorry for a rude teenager who is choosing to behave this way.

OP and her DH didn’t have to agree to drop the 50/50 for as a matter of logistical convenience.

The OP doesn’t get to agree or disagree with any arrangement made between her DH and her stepson’s mum. She is not the child’s mother.

Hasn’t been an issue until his Dad and OP were all to happy to cut his time with them by 75% from 15 days a month to 4. It was because of this that his behaviour towards them changed.

The adults caused this problem.

Honestly what has ANY adult in this child’s life done to earn his respect?
His dad and mum are the worse, but OP is supporting his dad.
You have to actually parent a child to deserve respect.

The issue seems to align with the fact that the stepson actually hardly sees his Dad because his Dad has dropped his contact. Imagine going from see your Dad (and extended family) 50% of the week to just 14%! I'd be pissed if my Dad abandoned me too

Oh boohoo the poor little 13 year old teenager isn’t getting Daddy all to himself……

OP has been with his Dad for years and there hasn’t been an issue till the last 2 years when DSS has decided to treat her with zero respect in her own home. So yes he is creating the problem, and yes DH should be correcting the problem, but they both seem equally shite.

As a pp said, the anger is misdirected. Her husband has opted out of being a dad. A secondary school could have been picked that wasn’t so far away. The DH didn’t have to have a job where he works away all week every week. OP and her DH didn’t have to agree to drop the 50/50 for as a matter of logistical convenience.

So OP says. But that would not have happened if his dad and stepmom had not agreed to it. It seems it was too inconvenient for them to make any effort to keep him in the family.

My advice would be to sit down and insist on chatting with them both. Ask the lad what he wants because he probably doesn't even want to be there. BTW 13yo kids have hollow legs so he will be eating loads. Forget the "yes buts" etc, people react to kindness over being shouted at or told what to do. If you can both hold your tongues and allow the child to speak you will probably both hear some home truths. Your DH sounds really immature to be acting like that and he's supposed to be an example for his son. Maybe the lad doesn't want to be away from his home and friends.

Jeez I really feel for this kid. 13 is a tough age without the upheaval of going from 50/50 to barely seeing his Dad. I can't fathom what led your husband to agree to this?

Yes he sounds rude.... but he sounds absolutely miserable tbh. I'd be trying to get to the bottom of that.

Also... he's there like 4 days a month... don't even consider restricting food. Honestly that's insane!!

You have a DH problem... not a SS problem.

And every child is different. Your children may be coping well. He might not be. Why is that so hard to understand?
I really feel sorry for him. I suspect he just feels unwanted. His feelings are valid, even if that is not the case.

Well what a leap to assume he’s eating a multipack of crisps 😂
i have two teen kids, same kind of frame, neither carry excess weight, my younger one is constantly hungry and eats like a horse, teen boys are renowned for being hungry!! For the OP, It’s for a couple of days every other week, I’m sure I’d cope with getting extra snacks in

But they might not have manners if EOW they went to their dad's where they knew they were considered as less tidy, less polite and as eating far too much more than their SSs.

That might make the manners start to curdle.

But you are right up to the point that your DH sounds as though he is totally dropping the ball with this child. But blame him, not the child.

I think you need to say to your husband that your SS needs a long overdue talk with him. He needs to get to the bottom of his son’s behaviour towards you and tell him acting out because he’s unhappy doesn’t solve anything.
Does SS feel abandoned because his dad works away all week now and because of his school being far away he doesn’t see as much of him? Is he transferring his hurt and anger towards SM because he is having trouble at school or at his mum’s and jealous because when OP’s son’s are struggling she gets involved yet he feels invisible to his own parents. Has OP said or done something he took exception to two years ago that needs to be spoke about? Does he not feel part of the family? And then he needs a talk on how blanking SM is upsetting and unacceptable, that’s not how problems get resolved and if he doesn’t speak to her he can’t stay whilst his dad is away as it’s too awkward.

No one said that though, they said limit foods, I’ve had to do that with my asd son or he would have been obese, teaching healthy eating sometimes involves limiting access to unlimited snacks. My cousins who had access to anything and everything ended up obese and now have eating disorders/ disorder eating and low self esteem as adults

Everything in moderation is a thing to teach. Not that some foods shouldn’t be eaten at all.

That’s rubbish! Not doing it as a parent leads to obesity which is abuse