AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

Are you genuinely saying that the kids Dad couldn't have gotten to an open store yesterday or this morning to make sure there was enough extra food for one day?

Because if so... then that's pathetic.

she posted yesterday. Easter Sunday is a bank holiday. What’s your definition of in advance enough to plan the shop?

Yes... but guess what.... she managed to post on Mumsnet, in ADVANCE of the week he was due to stay? So clearly she fucking knew in advance.

Also I've already said, it's the Dads responsibility

I never blamed the OP... I've specifically said on numerous occasions her DH is the problem. He hasn't disciplined his child against this rudeness, but he has also abandoned his child.

A mother cannot just up and move far enough away that it hinders a Father's access, without the Fathers approval. If she did... he didn't seem bothered enough to fight it. They had 50/50 access for 6 or 7 years and there's SS was therfore a massive part of the OPs family too. But I bet he feels cast aside now that his Dad barely sees him.

I've also not mentioned anything about the OP being alone with the SS... I think maybe you are quoting the wrong person?

Perhaps one day I will be less astonished at the number of people on Mumsnet who jump to share massively judgey views on posters when they have not even read their opening post. She knew fuck all about him staying all week and it’s right there in the opening post. If I think my dh and dc are out the next few nights I won’t have food in for them either, and if they suddenly are home we would need to shop, not because I don’t love them but because I did not expect them so I did not plan for them. Opening post is quoted below to help you.
DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation

OP said the reduction in contact came from his mum, who moved further away. I find it really shocking that posters are pretzeling themselves to blame a step parent for the fact that her SS has decided to treat her with contempt. I seriously doubt whether her critics would be happy to try to accommodate a child who is continually directs hostility, rudeness and ignorance towards them.

The main complaint on MN is that step parents don’t make the effort to integrate step children into their own wider families. Here OP is doing exactly that, SS is refusing to engage and OP is still getting the blame.

This boy is 13. It’s up to his actual parent to do his job and address the problem before it goes any further. What happens if the attitude continues, and OP is left alone with a 16 or 17 year old hostile individual who could very well turn out to be a threat to her safety ?

My SS is here 50% but the way it works is 2255 so some weeks he is here w days a week, other week 5 days a week. We automatically ensure there is a bigger shop the week he's here longer. During the summer and holidays it's an even bigger shop because he's a growing teen with a bottomless stomach and snacks all day 😂

It just isn't an issue!

But the big thing is... my DH and I would never ever allow access to drop to 14% because of school. My DH would move heaven and earth to be with his kid as much as possible.

If you’re not there @Bookworm847 do your dc get to stay in the home with your dh? Or do they need to leave and stay at their dads?

The pizzas were for the Saturday. Which he cooked for himself. Presumably he was not fed with everyone else on Saturday either ?
The OP was suggesting he could eat pizza again. Or chicken ( need to defrost).
The OP doesn’t want this child around and should be honest about it. For his sake and everyone else’s.

What a surprise. Way to go to make his son feel utterly unwanted once again. Your husband is a shitty father. Good on the mother for not saying no to the detriment of her son’s feelings.

This, making it clear “well we need to be going out of our way if he’s here..”
as opposed to it being the standard food shop on the days the family is bigger.
reminds me of a pp who would always include her dc in “our little family” and not the dsd who after 2 years was still sleeping on the sofa as her little family shouldn’t have to share..

I agree with people about your set up and your dh but it’s terrible people are calling a 13yo teen a little shit, his parents split and now he has a different mother figure in his life at a time most kids are struggling with hormones.

Leaving him for a week and she hadn't stocked for it...

She knows in advance.. one of the adults of the house should ensure there is enough food. Why would the place not be stocked when they know he's coming? That's just vile

This. A 13 year old is nothing compared to an angry post pubescent male. If you feel nervous in your own home now its definitely going to get a lot worse.
I can't believe the child's father has let this go on for 2 years. Has he even tried to get to the bottom of it. Most fathers would pull their son's up first time they were rude to their wife, whether mother or stepmother. 2 years, unbelievable.

When children are hard to love, is when they need the most love … He’s struggling - and as hard as it is to be on the receiving end, he needs warmth and tolerance not the hostility and contempt that’s coming through on this post .

It's really hard to get a picture here as to why he didn't go as his grandparents were there. That seems strange. In most family scenarios the 13 year old wouldn't even think they had a choice of not going. It would have been a this is what is happening thing.
Did he get asked if he wanted to go and maybe said no to test if he was wanted? Did he announce he wasn't going (once again a test of whether he was really welcome) Why did anyone have to make dinner for him when you returned. Surely something should have been made for him to eat while you were away, like a dish he could heat up.

Here you go - it’s the ops comment saying the food that was available for him while they were out and also that the boy had eaten two pizzas for lunch the day before. Do you still want to say they are withholding food from him? Because that’s a really strong accusation to make about a parent since it’s neglect to not provide food for a child, I’d read things very carefully before saying that as that kind of accusation can understandably really upset some people.

As I was walking out the door to family’s home I told DH there is pizza, chicken, meal preps in the freezer which he is normally able to cook to suit himself- he had 2 whole pizza for lunch Saturday that he managed to cook

The op was talking about if he’s here for the week and she hadn’t stocked for it? Not for 4 days a month. I think she also says she left him two pizzas for lunch, so no one is starving the boy or restricting his caloric intake to any lower than what about two regular people need.

You’ve been together 9 years which makes step son 4 when you first got together…..hardly being thrown in to a blended family like others have suggested. Defo a husband problem he should have gripped his son a long time ago. Regardless whether it was a family gathering with your side of the family, your in laws or both I feel after 9 years that’s irrelevant. 13 year olds are often incredibly anti social humans and given half the chance mine wouldn’t ever leave their rooms let alone socialise but the don’t get to do what they want when they want especially when their behaviour is rude and incredibly disrespectful.

nothing will change unless your husband implements the changes although it will take some time just like it will have taken time for the situation to have got to this. I’m afraid I’ve no magic way to fix this it all depends on your husband now. Xx

Where does the OP say she is withholding food from her stepson?

I’ve read through her comments and all I can see is this:

“That’s the thing if my children were being greedy with food I would absolutely limit it and stop it but as it is DSS I feel that would be seen as an attack on him so I don’t mention it I just buy and rebuy.”

I absolutely limit my children’s access to junk food. Don’t most people?

Imagine being that tight you think it’s perfectly normal to withhold food from a child. Some of the people on here should never have children.

It's 4 days a month... I don't think he's really eating every morsel of the household food. The OP just doesn't want to buy extra. But Dad should.

He has step siblings.

He’s lucky they even still speak to him and that things haven’t escalated between him and the OP’s sons due to his treatment of their mother.

Have none of the people who are talking rubbish about withholding food had a teenager who thinks they are allowed to eat anything in the house? My dp was like this when he moved in and my brothers were like this growing up- I had to ‘withhold food’ from my dp according to these posters when I told him I’d cooked for two meals and if he just wanted to eat it all then he was cooking and he was sorting the food budget. My eldest is tween and I have a list in my head of filling simple food he will have to learn to make himself so he gets fed without me making 5 meals a day or finding I can’t cook dinner as he’s eaten it all.

How is the OP being abusive to her step son? And what am I cheering on, exactly?

Look, ignoring the existence of an adult for 2 years is not “very common, mild teenage behaviour”, and the natural consequences of doing that will be that that adult will eventually drop the rope.

It certainly doesn’t sound like the stepson is being punished. He absolutely should have been though, and well before now. It’s astounding to me that this has been allowed to go on for so long.

The OP refusing to cook for her stepson, and refusing to be responsible for him in his father’s absence isn’t the stepson being punished, but just the natural consequences of his behaviour towards the OP.

Ultimately, the OP isn’t her stepson’s parent, and she isn’t obligated to tolerate such disrespect from him. She has put up with it for 2 years, which is 2 years too long. I’m really glad she has now put her foot down.